---
title: Bids for Connection: What They Are and Why They Matter
url: https://strongercouple.app/blog/bids-for-connection
author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team
published: 2026-10-18
updated: 2026-10-18
lastReviewed: 2026-10-18
topic: "Appreciation & connection"
sources: 4
---

# Bids for Connection: What They Are and Why They Matter

> Bids are small attempts to connect. Learn what research found about turning toward bids, how to notice them and how to respond.

> **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now

## Key takeaways

- A bid for connection is any small attempt to get a partner's attention, interest, affection or support, such as a comment, a question, a touch or a sigh.
- Partners can respond to a bid by turning toward it, turning away from it, or turning against it.
- The Gottman Institute reports that newlyweds still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time in the lab, versus 33% for couples who divorced.
- Turning toward a bid can take just a few seconds: looking up, answering, or asking one follow-up question.
- Many bids are hidden inside complaints or offhand remarks, so learning to hear the request underneath is a core relationship skill.

A bid for connection is any small attempt to get your partner's attention, interest, affection or support. It can be a comment ("Look at that"), a question, a touch, a joke or even a sigh. How partners respond to these moments, by turning toward, away or against them, shapes how close they feel. Bids are tiny, but they happen all day, and together they add up to the emotional climate of a relationship.

This article is part of our [guide to appreciation and connection](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/appreciation-and-connection). Below, you'll learn how to spot bids, what the research says, and simple ways to respond better, starting today.

> **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead.
>
> - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
> - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
> - In an emergency, call 911.
>
> More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now)

## What is a bid for connection?

A bid is an invitation. When your partner makes a bid, they are asking, often without words, "Will you notice me? Are you interested? Are you with me?" The term comes from psychologist John Gottman, and our glossary has a short definition of [bids for connection](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/bids-for-connection).

Bids come in many forms:

- **Attention:** "Hey, did you see this?"
- **Interest:** "Guess what happened at work today."
- **Humor:** a pun, a meme, a silly dance in the kitchen.
- **Affection:** reaching for your hand, a hug from behind.
- **Support:** "I'm so nervous about tomorrow."
- **Help:** "Can you grab the other end of this?"
- **Play:** "Race you to the car."

Most bids are not dramatic. That's exactly why they're easy to miss. Your partner probably doesn't think, "I'm making a bid right now." They just want to share a moment with you.

### The bid behind the complaint

Some bids arrive in disguise. "You're always on that phone" can be a criticism. It can also be a clumsy way of saying "I miss you." "We never go anywhere anymore" might really mean "I want time with you that feels special."

Hearing the bid underneath doesn't mean you have to accept the criticism. It means you can answer the need: "You're right, I've been glued to this. Want to take a walk after dinner?"

## Turning toward, away or against

When a bid comes in, there are three basic ways to respond. Our glossary explains the concept of [turning toward](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/turning-toward) in more depth.

| Response        | Description                                      | Example reply to "Look at that sunset"   |
| --------------- | ------------------------------------------------ | ---------------------------------------- |
| Turning toward  | Acknowledging the bid with interest or warmth    | "Oh wow. Let's go out on the porch."     |
| Turning away    | Ignoring or missing the bid                      | Silence, or "Hmm" without looking up     |
| Turning against | Responding with irritation, sarcasm or hostility | "I'm trying to watch this. Can you not?" |

### Turning toward doesn't have to be big

Many people assume turning toward means dropping everything. It doesn't. Turning toward can be:

- Looking up and making eye contact.
- A short, warm reply: "Ha, that's great."
- One follow-up question: "Wait, what did your sister say?"
- A touch back when your partner touches you.

Small responses are enough most of the time. What hurts is a steady pattern of no response.

### Turning away is usually not on purpose

Almost nobody turns away to be cruel. People turn away because they're distracted, tired, stressed or absorbed in a screen. That's why it's worth paying attention to. The fix is usually awareness, not a personality change.

### Turning against is a warning sign

Occasional snappy replies happen in every relationship, especially when someone is hungry or overwhelmed. But if one partner regularly mocks, belittles or punishes the other for reaching out, that is a different problem. It is closer to [contempt](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/contempt) than a missed bid. These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) for confidential support.

## What the research found

The idea of bids comes from studies in which couples were observed in everyday settings, not just during arguments.

**The 86% vs. 33% finding.** The Gottman Institute reports that newlywed couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time while in the lab. Couples who had divorced by then had turned toward each other only 33% of the time [^1]. The page doesn't describe the sample or methods, so treat the exact numbers with some caution. It also shows an association, not proof that turning toward prevents divorce.

**Everyday moments and conflict.** A peer-reviewed study of 49 newlywed couples looked at a 10-minute dinnertime interaction and a separate 15-minute conflict discussion. Couples who showed more playfulness and enthusiasm in everyday moments tended to show more humor and affection during conflict [^2]. The researchers noted the study was correlational, so it can't prove that daily moments cause better conflict. But the pattern makes sense: goodwill built in small moments seems to carry over.

**Good news is a bid, too.** When partners share good news, the way the listener responds matters. In a set of four studies, people whose partners typically responded to good news with enthusiasm reported more intimacy and daily satisfaction in their relationships [^3]. We cover this in our article on [responding to your partner's good news](https://strongercouple.app/blog/responding-to-good-news).

### What the research doesn't say

- It doesn't say you must catch every bid. Nobody does.
- It doesn't say missed bids alone cause breakups.
- Much of it comes from observing specific samples of couples, mostly newlyweds, so it may not describe every relationship.

What it does suggest is that the small, repeated moments of daily life are worth taking seriously.

## Examples of bids (and how to respond)

Here are common bids with a turning-toward response for each. Notice how short most of the responses are.

| Bid                                          | Turning toward                                            |
| -------------------------------------------- | --------------------------------------------------------- |
| "My mom called again."                       | "How did that go? Do you want to vent?"                   |
| Sends you a funny video at work              | "This made my afternoon."                                 |
| Sighs loudly while reading email             | "That sounded heavy. What's up?"                          |
| "Do you think this shirt works?"             | "Turn around. Yes, the blue is great on you."             |
| Reaches for your hand on the couch           | Squeeze back and leave your hand there                    |
| "I'm thinking about taking a pottery class." | "Really? What got you interested?"                        |
| "Ugh, the car is making that noise again."   | "That's so annoying. Want me to look at it this weekend?" |
| Starts humming your old song                 | Join in, badly                                            |
| "I can't sleep."                             | "Want to talk, or want me to rub your back?"              |
| Points at a dog on a walk                    | "Look at its little boots!"                               |

### When you can't respond right now

Sometimes you truly can't stop what you're doing. That's fine. You can still turn toward with a "rain check":

- "I want to hear this properly. Can you tell me after this call?"
- "Hold that thought. Five minutes and I'm all yours."
- "That sounds important. Can we talk on the drive?"

The key is to follow up. A delayed response you keep is still turning toward. One you forget teaches your partner that bids get lost.

## How to notice more bids

You can't respond to bids you don't see. These habits help.

### 1. Do a "bid audit" for one evening

For one evening, quietly notice every time your partner reaches out: a comment, a look, a question, a touch. Many people are surprised by how many there are. You don't need to change anything yet. Just notice.

### 2. Put the phone in another room at key moments

Screens are a common reason bids go unanswered. The Gottman Institute suggests putting phones down for the first 10 minutes after reuniting as one ritual of connection [^4]. Try it for a week and see what changes.

### 3. Listen for the feeling, not just the words

When your partner says something offhand, ask yourself: "What might they want from me right now?" Attention? Comfort? A laugh? This one question turns many near-misses into connection.

### 4. Make bids yourself, and make them clear

Connection runs both ways. If you want more closeness, make more bids, and make them easy to catch. Instead of a vague sigh, try "I had a rough day. Can I tell you about it?" Clear bids are easier to answer.

### 5. Talk about bids together

Read this article together, then each share:

- One small way your partner reaches out that you love.
- One kind of bid you might be missing.
- One bid you wish your partner would notice more.

Keep the tone curious, not critical. The goal is to learn each other's signals.

### 6. Build a tiny daily ritual

Rituals create built-in chances to turn toward each other. Try a "best part of your day" question at dinner, a goodbye kiss at the door, or a two-minute check-in before bed. Our article on [daily rituals of connection](https://strongercouple.app/blog/daily-rituals-of-connection) has more ideas.

**In the Stronger Couple app:** [Daily appreciations](https://strongercouple.app/app/daily-appreciations)

## A one-week practice plan

1. **Day 1:** Notice bids only. Don't change anything.
2. **Day 2:** Respond to every verbal bid with eye contact and at least one sentence.
3. **Day 3:** Ask one follow-up question each time your partner shares something.
4. **Day 4:** Make three clear bids of your own.
5. **Day 5:** Try the phone-free first 10 minutes when you reunite.
6. **Day 6:** Use a rain check at least once, and follow through.
7. **Day 7:** Talk together about what felt different.

If you'd like to go deeper, read [turning toward vs. turning away](https://strongercouple.app/blog/turning-toward-vs-away) for more on the three responses, or [feeling disconnected from your partner](https://strongercouple.app/blog/feeling-disconnected-from-partner) if bids have already started to dry up.

## When to get professional help

Paying attention to bids can do a lot, but it isn't a fix for every problem. Consider talking with a couples therapist if you notice:

- Ongoing contempt or withdrawal, even when you try to reconnect.
- An affair or serious breach of trust.
- Addiction affecting the relationship.
- Depression or anxiety affecting daily life for either of you.
- Any fear of your partner.
- Thoughts of self-harm. Call or text 988 any time, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Our [getting help guide](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) explains your options, and [how to find a good couples therapist](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-find-a-couples-therapist) covers what to look for. If you feel unsafe, go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now).

This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.

## Keep going

- [The complete guide to appreciation and connection](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/appreciation-and-connection)
- [Turning toward vs. turning away: small moments matter](https://strongercouple.app/blog/turning-toward-vs-away)
- [How to show appreciation to your partner: 40 ideas](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-show-appreciation-to-your-partner)
- [Responding to your partner's good news](https://strongercouple.app/blog/responding-to-good-news)

## Questions people ask

### What is an example of a bid for connection?

Saying "Come look at this bird," sending a funny video, sighing loudly after a phone call, or reaching for your partner's hand are all bids. Each one is an invitation to pay attention, share a moment or offer comfort.

### What happens if you keep missing your partner's bids?

Occasional misses are normal. A steady pattern of missed bids can leave a partner feeling lonely and unimportant, and they may stop reaching out. The good news is that bids are constant, so there are many chances each day to start turning toward again.

### How do I respond to a bid when I'm busy?

Acknowledge it and give a time: "I want to hear this. Give me ten minutes to finish this email?" Then follow through. A delayed but sincere response still counts as turning toward.

### Who came up with the term "bids for connection"?

The term comes from psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues, who studied couples' everyday interactions. The Gottman Institute continues to teach it as a core skill.

## Sources

[^1]: An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust. The Gottman Institute, 2012. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
[^2]: Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 2004. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15386956/
[^3]: What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2004. https://www.sas.rochester.edu/psy/people/faculty/reis_harry/assets/pdf/GableReisImpettAsher_2004.pdf
[^4]: The Little Things That Keep Love Strong. The Gottman Institute, 2026. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-little-things-that-keep-love-strong/