--- title: The Four Horsemen of Relationships, Explained url: https://strongercouple.app/blog/four-horsemen-of-relationships author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: "Communication & conflict" sources: 12 --- # The Four Horsemen of Relationships, Explained > Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling: what Gottman's research found, how to spot each one, and the antidote that replaces it. > **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now ## Key takeaways - The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, four conflict patterns that psychologist John Gottman linked to relationships ending. - Each horseman has an antidote: a gentle startup for criticism, a culture of appreciation for contempt, taking responsibility for defensiveness, and self-soothing for stonewalling. - The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research, which makes eye-rolling, mockery and sarcasm worth taking seriously. - Gottman's prediction studies were careful but relatively small and mostly involved married, heterosexual US couples, so the horsemen are strong warning signs rather than a verdict. - Every couple uses the horsemen sometimes; what matters is noticing them sooner and repairing afterward. The Four Horsemen of relationships are four conflict patterns that psychologist John Gottman found to predict breakups: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Criticism attacks a partner's character, contempt expresses disgust or superiority, defensiveness deflects blame, and stonewalling shuts the conversation down. Each has an antidote you can practise: a gentle startup, appreciation, taking responsibility, and calming yourself before you continue. > **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. > > - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. > - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. > - In an emergency, call 911. > > More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). This explainer is part of our [communication and conflict guide](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/communication-and-conflict). Below you'll find what the horsemen are, what the research really shows (including what it doesn't), how to recognize each one in your own arguments, and a one-week plan to start replacing them. ## What are the Four Horsemen? The [Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/four-horsemen) are a metaphor borrowed from the Book of Revelation, where four horsemen signal the end of the world. Gottman used the image to describe four behaviors that, in his lab's research, tended to signal the end of a relationship [^1]. They often arrive in order. Criticism invites defensiveness. Repeated criticism can harden into contempt. And when someone feels constantly attacked, they may eventually shut down entirely. | Horseman | In one sentence | Example | | ------------- | ------------------------------------------------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | Criticism | Attacking who your partner is, instead of what they did | "You're so selfish. You never think about anyone else." | | Contempt | Treating your partner as beneath you | Rolling your eyes and saying, "Oh, poor you, so tired from your _video games_." | | Defensiveness | Protecting yourself by deflecting blame | "It's not my fault we're late. You took forever." | | Stonewalling | Withdrawing from the conversation | Going silent, staring at your phone, walking away without a word | ## What the research actually found Gottman's work is some of the best-known relationship research in the world. It is also widely misquoted. Here is what the studies found, as precisely as we can put it. ### The core findings - **Negativity and withdrawal predicted trouble.** In a study that followed 73 couples from 1983 to 1987, couples whose conflict conversations had more negative than positive behavior showed more defensiveness, stubbornness and withdrawal. They also reported lower satisfaction and poorer health, and were more likely to consider or go through separation [^2]. - **Openings mattered.** In 124 newlywed couples, the emotional tone of just the first three minutes of a conflict discussion predicted whether the couple was still married six years later [^3]. - **Balance matters more than style.** Gottman found that couples could be stable whether they were calm, passionate or conflict-avoidant. The unstable couples were marked by hostility [^4]. The Gottman Institute summarizes this as a ratio of about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict in stable, happy couples [^5]. - **Contempt stands out.** The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research [^1]. ### What about "94% accuracy"? You will often see claims that Gottman can predict divorce with 94% accuracy by watching a couple argue. That's not quite right. The 94% figure comes from a 1992 study in which researchers interviewed 56 couples about the history of their relationship, then coded _how_ they told the story (for example, with fondness or with disappointment). That coding predicted, with 94% accuracy, which couples would still be married three years later. A follow-up study of 95 newlywed couples found 87% accuracy over four to six years, and the researchers noted their participants were self-selected [^6]. ### The limits These studies were careful and influential, but they were relatively small, and most participants were married, heterosexual and from the United States. Prediction in a research sample is also not the same as prediction for your relationship. Think of the horsemen as warning lights on a dashboard. They tell you something needs attention. They don't tell you the engine is gone. ## How to spot each horseman Most people recognize the horsemen in their partner first. The real work is catching them in yourself. Here's what each one looks and sounds like, and the thought that often drives it. ### Criticism Criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint is about a specific behavior. Criticism makes it about your partner's character. - **Complaint:** "I was scared when you were late and didn't call." - **Criticism:** "You're so inconsiderate. You never think about how I feel." Watch for: "you always," "you never," "what's wrong with you," and labels like lazy, selfish or careless. The thought underneath is often, "If I make it big enough, they'll finally take it seriously." ### Contempt Contempt says, "I'm better than you." It includes sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, mimicking, sneering, scoffing and eye-rolling [^1]. It usually grows from long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner that have never been resolved. Watch for: eye-rolls, a mocking tone, "Oh, _great_ job," humor that's really a jab, correcting your partner's grammar mid-argument. The thought underneath is often, "I'm so tired of this. They're hopeless." Hostility in general also seems to have physical costs. In one hospital study, wounds healed more slowly after couples discussed a disagreement than after a supportive conversation, and consistently hostile couples healed at about 60% the rate of low-hostility couples [^7]. ### Defensiveness Defensiveness is a natural reaction to feeling attacked. But it tells your partner, "Your concern isn't valid; the problem is you." Watch for: excuses ("I couldn't, I was busy"), counter-complaints ("Well, you never..."), innocent victimhood ("Why are you always picking on me?") and "yes, but." The thought underneath is often, "If I admit any of this, I'll be blamed for all of it." ### Stonewalling Stonewalling happens when the listener withdraws: going quiet, turning away, looking busy, leaving [^8]. It's often a sign that someone is physically overwhelmed, not that they don't care. The Gottman Institute reports that in its research, men were more likely to stonewall than women [^8], though anyone can. Watch for: one-word answers, a blank face, scrolling a phone mid-conversation, leaving without saying when you'll be back. The thought underneath is often, "I can't handle this. If I say anything, it'll get worse." Read more in [stonewalling in a relationship](https://strongercouple.app/blog/stonewalling-in-relationships). ### Quick self-check Ask yourself honestly, about the last few disagreements: - Did I describe a behavior, or did I describe my partner's character? - Did I roll my eyes, use sarcasm, or mock? - When my partner raised something, did I look for my part, or for theirs? - Did I shut down without saying I needed a break? Our reflective [Four Horsemen self-check](https://strongercouple.app/tools/four-horsemen-self-check) goes deeper. It's for reflection, not diagnosis. ## What are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen? Each horseman has a specific replacement behavior, described by the Gottman Institute [^9]. Learning the antidote is more useful than simply trying to stop the horseman, because it gives you something to do instead. | Horseman | Antidote | Instead of... | Try... | | ------------- | ------------------------------------------- | ----------------------------------------- | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | Criticism | Gentle startup | "You never plan anything fun." | "I miss doing fun things together. Could we plan a date for this weekend?" | | Contempt | Build a culture of appreciation and respect | "Oh, look who finally did the dishes." | "Thanks for doing the dishes. I noticed, and it helped." | | Defensiveness | Take responsibility, even for part | "I didn't forget, you never reminded me." | "You're right, I forgot. I'll call them now." | | Stonewalling | Physiological self-soothing | Silent walkout | "I'm flooded. I need 20 minutes, then I'll come back." | ### Gentle startup (for criticism) Complain without blame. Use "I" statements about your feelings and state what you need in a positive way [^9]. A simple formula is feeling, situation and need: "I feel \_\_\_ about \_\_\_. Could we \_\_\_?" Our [soft startup examples](https://strongercouple.app/blog/soft-startup-examples) give you 25 openings to adapt. ### Appreciation and respect (for contempt) Contempt grows when you mostly notice what's wrong. The antidote is to deliberately notice what's right and say it out loud, often [^9]. This isn't about pretending problems don't exist. It's about shifting the overall climate so that a complaint lands on a foundation of goodwill. Try naming one specific thing your partner did that you appreciated, every day for a week. ### Taking responsibility (for defensiveness) Find the part that's yours, even if it's small, and say so [^9]. "You're right that I've been distracted lately" doesn't mean you accept every criticism. It means you're willing to stay in the conversation. You'll be surprised how often your partner softens in return. For phrases and practice, see [defensiveness in relationships](https://strongercouple.app/blog/defensiveness-in-relationships). ### Self-soothing (for stonewalling) When you're flooded, call a time-out, say when you'll return, and do something genuinely calming for at least 20 minutes [^9]. Julie Gottman suggests coming back within 20 to 30 minutes and never more than 24 hours later [^10]. Our [conflict pause timer](https://strongercouple.app/tools/conflict-pause-timer) can help. **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Conflict resolution](https://strongercouple.app/app/conflict-resolution) ## A one-week practice plan Reading about the horsemen is easy. Changing habits takes practice. This plan is designed for two people, but you can do it alone if your partner isn't ready. | Day | Focus | What to do | | --- | ------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | 1 | Learn | Read this article together. Each of you names the horseman you use most. Name only your own. | | 2 | Notice | During the day, quietly note every time you feel the pull of your horseman. Don't try to fix it yet. | | 3 | Criticism | Raise one small issue using a gentle startup. Afterward, ask, "How did that feel to hear?" | | 4 | Contempt | Share three specific appreciations each, out loud, by the end of the day. | | 5 | Defensiveness | When your partner raises anything, start your reply with, "The part I can own is..." | | 6 | Stonewalling | Agree on a pause signal and a break plan. Practise once on purpose, even if you're not upset. | | 7 | Review | Talk for 15 minutes: Which antidote was easiest? Which was hardest? Which one will you keep practising? | A few tips to make it stick: - **Go first.** Changing your own horseman is more powerful than pointing out your partner's. - **Use a light touch.** Some couples agree on a gentle, playful code word, like "horse!", to flag a horseman in the moment. - **Expect slips.** You'll catch yourself mid-criticism. That's progress. Stop, and try again: "Let me start that over." ## When the horsemen point to something more serious Frequent contempt is damaging. Contempt that is constant, one-sided and used to humiliate or control can be part of emotional abuse. Other warning signs include threats, intimidation, controlling money or contact with friends, or any physical harm. If that sounds familiar, the horsemen framework and couples communication skills are not the right tool. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend couples counseling when abuse is present [^11]. You can reach the Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233, texting START to 88788, or chatting at thehotline.org. If you're in danger, call 911. ## When to get professional help Many couples can reduce the horsemen on their own. Consider working with a licensed couples therapist if you notice: - Ongoing contempt or withdrawal that doesn't improve with effort - An affair or another serious breach of trust - Addiction affecting the relationship - Depression or anxiety affecting daily life for either of you - Any fear of your partner (go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) instead) - Thoughts of self-harm (call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org) Couple therapy has good evidence: a research review found it helps about 70% of couples who receive it [^12]. See our [getting help guide](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) and [how to find a good couples therapist](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-find-a-couples-therapist). This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help. ## Keep going - Back to the [communication and conflict guide](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/communication-and-conflict) - [How to stop fighting with your partner](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-stop-fighting-with-your-partner) - [Contempt in a relationship: signs and antidotes](https://strongercouple.app/blog/contempt-in-relationships) ## Questions people ask ### What are the Four Horsemen in a relationship? They are four communication patterns identified by psychologist John Gottman: criticism (attacking your partner's character), contempt (disrespect from a position of superiority), defensiveness (deflecting responsibility) and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing). His research linked frequent use of them to a higher risk of relationships ending. ### Which of the Four Horsemen is the worst? The Gottman Institute considers contempt the most damaging and calls it the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research. Contempt communicates disgust and superiority, which makes the other person feel worthless. ### Does having the Four Horsemen mean we will break up? No. All couples use them at times. They are warning signs, and each has a learnable antidote. Many couples reduce the horsemen with practice or with help from a couples therapist. ### Is contempt the same as emotional abuse? Not always, but they can overlap. Occasional sarcasm in a heated moment is different from a sustained pattern of belittling, humiliation or control. If contempt is constant and one-sided, or you feel afraid, read our Help Now resources. ## Sources [^1]: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute, 2026. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ [^2]: Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1992. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1403613/ [^3]: Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 1999. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10526767/ [^4]: The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: a longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 1993. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8450108/ [^5]: The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. The Gottman Institute, 2017. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio/ [^6]: UW researchers can predict newlywed divorce, marital stability with 87 percent accuracy. University of Washington News, 2000. https://www.washington.edu/news/2000/03/27/uw-researchers-can-predict-newlywed-divorce-marital-stability-with-87-percent-accuracy/ [^7]: Hostile marital interactions, proinflammatory cytokine production, and wound healing. Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16330726/ [^8]: The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute, 2025. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling-part-ii/ [^9]: The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Institute, 2013. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/ [^10]: How to Fight Without Hurting Your Relationship (interview with John and Julie Gottman). Greater Good Magazine, UC Berkeley, 2024. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_fight_without_hurting_your_relationship [^11]: Should I Go to Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?. National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2026. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ [^12]: Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2012. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22283385/