---
title: Signs Your Relationship Is in Trouble (and What Helps)
url: https://strongercouple.app/blog/signs-your-relationship-is-in-trouble
author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team
published: 2026-10-18
updated: 2026-10-18
lastReviewed: 2026-10-18
topic: Struggling relationships
sources: 10
---

# Signs Your Relationship Is in Trouble (and What Helps)

> Which warning signs are normal rough patches and which deserve real attention? An honest checklist with next steps for each.

> **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now

## Key takeaways

- A relationship is in real trouble when negative patterns like contempt, constant criticism or shutting down become the default, not the exception.
- The Gottman Institute describes contempt, such as mockery and eye-rolling, as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research.
- Losing the small daily moments of turning toward each other is often an earlier warning sign than big fights.
- Fear, control, threats or monitoring are signs of abuse, not ordinary relationship trouble, and call for a domestic violence advocate rather than couples work.
- Most warning signs come with a concrete next step, and spotting them early makes change easier.

Your relationship may be in trouble if contempt, constant criticism, defensiveness or shutting down have become your normal way of interacting, if you rarely turn toward each other in small daily moments, or if one of you has quietly stopped trying. A rough patch usually has a clear cause and still leaves room for warmth. If you feel afraid of your partner, that is not ordinary trouble. It is a safety issue.

> **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead.
>
> - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
> - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
> - In an emergency, call 911.
>
> More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now)

These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now).

This checklist is part of our [guide to struggling relationships](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/struggling-relationship). It is not a diagnosis. It is a way to look honestly at what is happening and find a sensible next step for each sign you recognize.

## Is this a normal rough patch or real trouble?

Every long relationship has hard seasons. The question is not "Do we have problems?" but "What kind of problems, and are we still able to reach each other?"

| Question                            | Rough patch                                | Real trouble                           |
| ----------------------------------- | ------------------------------------------ | -------------------------------------- |
| Can you name a cause?               | Yes: new baby, job stress, illness, a move | Not really, or it has lasted years     |
| Do you still have good moments?     | Fewer, but yes                             | Rare, and they feel forced             |
| How do fights end?                  | Heated, then some repair                   | Contempt, silence, or days of coldness |
| Do you still feel on the same team? | Mostly, when things calm down              | Rarely; it feels like opponents        |
| Does either of you want out?        | Not seriously                              | One or both of you is checking out     |

Transitions can make a good relationship feel shaky. In a study that followed 218 couples over eight years, relationship quality dropped suddenly after the first child was born, for both parents [^1]. That kind of dip is common and does not mean you chose the wrong person. It does mean the relationship needs more care than usual.

## 10 warning signs worth taking seriously

Each sign below includes what it can look like and a first step. Recognizing two or three of these does not mean your relationship is over. It means it needs attention.

### 1. Contempt has crept in

Contempt is talking to or about your partner as if they are beneath you: eye-rolling, mocking, sneering, sarcasm about their character, name-calling. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research [^2].

**What it sounds like:** "Oh, sure, because you're such a genius with money."

**First step:** Notice your own contempt first. Each time you feel the urge to mock, ask what you actually need and say that instead. Then deliberately name one thing you respect about your partner each day. Read more about [contempt in a relationship](https://strongercouple.app/blog/contempt-in-relationships).

### 2. Complaints have turned into character attacks

A complaint is about a behavior: "I was worried when you didn't call." Criticism is about who someone is: "You're so selfish; you never think about anyone else." Criticism is one of the four patterns the Gottman Institute calls the [Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/four-horsemen) [^2].

**First step:** Swap "you always" and "you never" for a soft startup: a feeling, a specific situation and a request.

### 3. Every concern is met with defensiveness

When one partner raises anything, the other immediately counters with excuses or blame: "Well, if you hadn't…" Over time, the person raising concerns stops bothering, and the person defending feels constantly attacked. In a study of 73 couples, those with more negative than positive interactions also showed more defensiveness, more stubbornness and withdrawal, and a greater risk of separating [^3].

**First step:** Practice taking responsibility for one small part: "You're right that I forgot. I'm sorry."

### 4. One of you shuts down during conflict

Stonewalling is going silent, leaving, or tuning out in the middle of a conversation. It often happens when someone is overwhelmed, not because they do not care. The Gottman Institute links stonewalling to physiological flooding and recommends a break of at least 20 minutes for the body to calm down [^4].

**First step:** Replace silent withdrawal with a named break: "I'm getting overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes, then I'll come back." Our article on [stonewalling in relationships](https://strongercouple.app/blog/stonewalling-in-relationships) explains how.

### 5. You've stopped turning toward each other

This sign is quieter but important. You stop responding to small bids for connection: the comment about the news, the "look at this," the hand on your back. The Gottman Institute reports that in one study, newlyweds who stayed married six years turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time in the lab, versus 33% for those who later divorced [^5].

**First step:** For one week, try to catch and respond to three bids a day. See [feeling disconnected from your partner](https://strongercouple.app/blog/feeling-disconnected-from-partner).

### 6. The bad moments outweigh the good

Every couple has negative moments, including during arguments. The Gottman Institute says stable, happy couples tend to have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict, and describes a ratio of one to one or lower as a warning sign [^6]. That ratio comes from lab conflict conversations, so do not try to count every interaction at home. Ask the broader question: does warmth still outweigh hostility?

**First step:** Add small positives on purpose: a thank-you, a laugh, a touch, a question about their day.

### 7. You remember the past mostly in negative terms

How couples tell the story of their relationship matters. In University of Washington research using a one-hour "oral history" interview, the way partners described their shared past (warmly or with disappointment and negativity) predicted which newlywed couples stayed together with 87% accuracy over four to six years. The researchers noted their sample was self-selected and the findings were preliminary [^7].

**First step:** Look through old photos together, or ask each other: "What's a memory of us that still makes you smile?"

### 8. You feel lonely even when you're together

You share a home, a calendar and maybe children, but not your inner lives. Conversations are logistics only. This is sometimes called roommate syndrome, and when one partner's emotional needs go unmet for a long time, it can feel like [emotional neglect](https://strongercouple.app/blog/emotional-neglect-in-marriage).

**First step:** Schedule 15 minutes a few times a week for non-logistical talk. A conversation prompt can help you get started.

### 9. You've stopped trying to repair after fights

Healthy couples fight. What sets them apart is repair: apologizing, softening, making a joke, reaching for a hand. When fights end and nobody reaches back, resentment builds. Read more about [resentment in a relationship](https://strongercouple.app/blog/resentment-in-relationships).

**First step:** Learn a few repair attempts, like "Can I try that again?" or "I can see my part in this," and practice accepting your partner's attempts too.

### 10. One of you has checked out

This sign is the most serious non-abuse warning sign. One partner stops raising concerns, stops fighting, and stops hoping. It can look calm from the outside. Inside, they may be planning a life without the other person.

**First step:** Ask directly and gently: "I've noticed you seem far away. Are you thinking about whether you want to stay?" Then listen. If one of you is leaning out and the other wants to try, read [how to save your marriage when it feels too late](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-save-your-marriage).

## Signs that point to abuse

The signs above describe relationships that are struggling but where both people are safe. The signs below are different. They point to abuse, and abuse is not a communication problem.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) describes intimate partner violence as abuse or aggression in a romantic relationship. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression, which means using words or actions to harm a partner mentally or emotionally or to control them [^8].

Signs that point to abuse include:

- You feel afraid of your partner or of how they will react.
- Your partner hits, pushes, grabs, chokes or physically hurts you, or threatens to.
- You are pressured or forced into sexual activity.
- Your partner monitors your phone, location, messages or spending.
- You are cut off from friends, family or money.
- Your partner threatens to hurt you, themselves, your children or your pets if you leave.
- You are constantly humiliated, called names, or told no one else would want you.
- You change your behavior to avoid setting your partner off.

If these sound familiar, couples counseling is generally not recommended. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abuse is not a relationship problem and that what is said in joint therapy can be used against the person being abused [^9]. Instead:

- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
- If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
- If you are thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988.

Our page on [healthy, unhealthy and abusive behaviors](https://strongercouple.app/help-now/is-this-abuse) can help you sort out what you are experiencing.

## What to do next

If you recognized warning signs but you feel safe, here is a practical order of operations:

1. **Pick the one or two signs that feel most true.** Not all ten. Focus beats overwhelm.
2. **Talk about it gently.** Try: "I've been feeling far from you, and I miss us. Can we find time this week to talk about how we're doing?"
3. **Start with warmth, not problem-solving.** A week of turning toward bids and specific thank-yous makes the hard talk easier.
4. **Take a snapshot.** The free [relationship check-in quiz](https://strongercouple.app/tools/relationship-check-in-quiz) or the [Four Horsemen self-check](https://strongercouple.app/tools/four-horsemen-self-check) can give you a shared starting point.
5. **Follow a plan.** Our [12-step plan for fixing a struggling relationship](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-fix-a-struggling-relationship) walks through what to try first.
6. **Set a check-in date.** In four to six weeks, ask each other honestly whether things feel better, the same or worse.

Tracking how you are doing over time can make patterns easier to see than relying on memory after a bad week.

**In the Stronger Couple app:** [Relationship insights](https://strongercouple.app/app/relationship-insights)

If you are not sure you want to work on it at all, that is a real and common feeling. Our guide to [should I stay or leave](https://strongercouple.app/blog/should-i-stay-or-leave) offers careful questions to think through.

## When to get professional help

You do not have to wait for things to get worse. A major research review found that couple therapy helps about 70% of couples who receive it [^10]. Get professional support if you notice:

- Ongoing contempt, or one of you withdrawing for weeks at a time.
- An affair or another serious breach of trust.
- Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or anything else.
- Depression or anxiety that is affecting daily life for either of you.
- Any fear of your partner. Contact a domestic violence advocate first, not a couples therapist.
- Thoughts of self-harm. Call or text 988.

Our [getting help guide](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) explains the options, and [how to find a good couples therapist](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-find-a-couples-therapist) covers credentials and questions to ask. If you're unsafe, visit [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now).

This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.

## Keep going

- Back to the [struggling relationships guide](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/struggling-relationship)
- [How to fix a struggling relationship: 12 steps](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-fix-a-struggling-relationship)
- [Feeling disconnected from your partner? How to reconnect](https://strongercouple.app/blog/feeling-disconnected-from-partner)
- [The Four Horsemen of relationships, explained](https://strongercouple.app/blog/four-horsemen-of-relationships)

## Questions people ask

### What are the biggest red flags in a relationship?

The most serious red flags are signs of abuse: feeling afraid of your partner, being threatened, hurt, monitored or controlled, or being cut off from friends and money. Among non-abusive warning signs, regular contempt and one partner emotionally checking out are the most concerning.

### Is it normal to fight a lot in a relationship?

Some conflict is normal and even healthy. What matters more is how you fight and whether you can repair afterward. Fights that regularly include insults, contempt, threats or days of silence are a warning sign, especially when warmth between fights has faded.

### Can a relationship in trouble be saved?

Many can, especially when both partners feel safe and are at least somewhat willing to try. Couple therapy helps a majority of couples who receive it. Some relationships are not healthy to save, particularly when there is abuse, and ending them can be the right choice.

## Sources

[^1]: The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2702669/
[^2]: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute, 2026. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
[^3]: Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1992. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1403613/
[^4]: The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute, 2025. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling-part-ii/
[^5]: An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust. The Gottman Institute, 2012. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
[^6]: The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. The Gottman Institute, 2017. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio/
[^7]: UW researchers can predict newlywed divorce, marital stability with 87 percent accuracy. University of Washington News, 2000. https://www.washington.edu/news/2000/03/27/uw-researchers-can-predict-newlywed-divorce-marital-stability-with-87-percent-accuracy/
[^8]: About Intimate Partner Violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2026. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
[^9]: Should I Go to Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?. National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2026. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
[^10]: Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 2012. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22283385/