--- title: "Fair Fight Agreement: A Couples' Worksheet" url: https://strongercouple.app/library/exercises/fair-fight-agreement author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: "Communication & conflict" sources: 4 --- # Fair Fight Agreement: A Couples' Worksheet > Write your own rules for fighting fair: a pause signal, a 20-minute break, turn-taking, and off-limits moves. Includes a printable agreement to sign. > **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now ## Key takeaways - A fair fight agreement is a set of rules you both write while calm, so you have a plan before the next argument starts. - The Gottman Institute advises that a break during a heated argument should last at least 20 minutes so your body can calm down. - Breaks work best when you agree on a return time, ideally no more than 24 hours later. - Turn-taking, where one person speaks and the other listens and summarizes, comes from couples communication programs such as PREP. - These rules assume both partners feel safe; they are not a tool for relationships with fear, threats, or control. A fair fight agreement is a short set of rules you and your partner write together while you are calm, so you already have a plan when the next argument starts. It covers how to raise issues, a signal to pause, how long breaks last, how to take turns, what is off-limits, and how to reconnect afterward. This worksheet takes about 45 minutes and ends with a printable agreement you both sign. > **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. > > - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. > - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. > - In an emergency, call 911. > > More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, if arguments involve threats, intimidation, or being stopped from leaving, a fair fight agreement is not the right tool. Please visit [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) instead. Fighting is normal. What matters is how you fight. Gottman's research describes four patterns that predict trouble, which he called the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling [^1]. A good agreement is mostly a plan for catching those patterns early. You can read more in our [explainer on the Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/blog/four-horsemen-of-relationships). ## Time needed About 45 minutes to write the agreement the first time, and 10 minutes every few months to review it. ## What you need - The printable agreement below, or a shared note - A calm hour when neither of you is upset - Optional: our [free conflict pause timer](https://strongercouple.app/tools/conflict-pause-timer) for breaks and speaking turns ## Steps 1. **Choose a calm time.** Write the agreement when neither of you is upset. Right after a fight is the worst time, because you will write rules aimed at each other. 2. **Agree on a pause signal.** Pick a word, phrase, or gesture that either partner can use to stop the conversation. Agree that using it is never an accusation. It simply means "I need a break before this gets worse." 3. **Set your break rules.** The Gottman Institute advises that a break should last at least 20 minutes, because it takes about that long for your body to calm down [^2]. Agree that breaks will also have an end, ideally no more than 24 hours later [^3]. During the break, do something soothing, such as a walk or music, rather than replaying the argument. 4. **Decide how you will take turns.** One person speaks while the other listens, then summarizes what they heard before replying. This "speaker and listener" style comes from couples communication programs such as PREP, which has been studied in long-term follow-ups [^4]. 5. **List off-limits moves.** Name the specific things you both agree not to do: name-calling, eye-rolling, swearing at each other, threats to leave, bringing up old fights, or arguing in front of the kids. 6. **Plan how you will reconnect.** Decide what repair looks like for each of you. Some people want a hug, some want a short talk, and some want a cup of tea and quiet. See our [repair phrases card](https://strongercouple.app/library/exercises/repair-phrases-card) for ideas. 7. **Sign and review.** Both sign the agreement. Keep it somewhere you can find it, and review it every few months or after a fight that went badly. ## Debrief questions - Which rule do you think will be hardest for you, not your partner, to keep? - What does it feel like in your body when you start to get overwhelmed in an argument? - What helps you calm down fastest during a break? - What does a good repair look like to you? - When should we look at this agreement again? **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Conflict resolution](https://strongercouple.app/app/conflict-resolution) ## Printable worksheet Fill this in together. Both partners sign at the end. ### Our fair fight agreement 1. Our pause signal is: Answer: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ 2. When either of us uses it, the other agrees to: Answer: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ 3. Our breaks last at least \_\_\_\_ minutes (we suggest 20) and we come back within \_\_\_\_ hours (we suggest no more than 24). 4. During a break, I will calm down by: Partner A: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Partner B: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ 5. How we will take turns speaking: Answer: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ ### Things we agree not to do - [ ] Name-calling or insults - [ ] Mocking, eye-rolling, or sarcasm - [ ] Bringing up old fights - [ ] Threatening to leave - [ ] Arguing in front of the children - [ ] Other: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ ### Things we agree to do - [ ] Start with how I feel, not what you did wrong - [ ] Stick to one issue - [ ] Summarize before I reply - [ ] Take a break when either of us asks - [ ] Come back and finish the conversation ### How we reconnect after a hard talk 1. What helps Partner A feel close again: Answer: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ 2. What helps Partner B feel close again: Answer: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ ### Signatures Partner A: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Date: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Partner B: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Date: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Next review date: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ For more on why breaks matter, read about [emotional flooding](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/emotional-flooding) and our full [rules for fighting fair](https://strongercouple.app/blog/fighting-fair-rules). ## When to get professional help An agreement can make fights calmer, but it is not therapy. If you keep having the same fight, if one of you regularly shuts down, or if contempt has become a habit, a licensed couples therapist can help. Our [guide to getting help](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) explains how to find one. If you feel afraid of your partner at any point, go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now), or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. ## Questions people ask ### What is a fair fight agreement? It is a short written list of rules you and your partner agree on while you are calm, covering how to raise issues, how to pause, what is off-limits, and how to come back together. You both sign it and review it every few months. ### How long should a break be during a fight? The Gottman Institute recommends at least 20 minutes, because it takes about that long for your body to calm down. Agree on when you will come back, ideally within 24 hours, so the break does not feel like being abandoned. ### What if my partner breaks the agreement? Point to the agreement calmly once things settle, not in the middle of the fight. If rules are broken often, or if breaking them involves threats, intimidation, or fear, that is not a communication problem. Visit Help Now for confidential support. ## Sources [^1]: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ [^2]: The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/ [^3]: Does Flooding Play a Role in Your Perpetual Conflict?. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/does-flooding-play-a-role-in-your-perpetual-conflict/ [^4]: Preventing marital distress through communication and conflict management training: A 4- and 5-year follow-up. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 70-77, 1993. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.61.1.70