--- title: Bids for connection url: https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/bids-for-connection author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: "Appreciation & connection" sources: 3 --- # Bids for connection > A bid for connection is any attempt to get your partner's attention, interest or support. Learn how small bids work and why responding to them matters. ## Key takeaways - A bid for connection is any attempt, verbal or nonverbal, to get a partner's attention, affection or support. - John Gottman and Joan DeClaire called the bid the basic unit of emotional connection. - The Gottman Institute reports that newlyweds still married six years later had turned toward bids 86% of the time, versus 33% for those who divorced. - Bids are often small and easy to miss, so noticing them is a skill couples can practice. A bid for connection is any attempt to get your partner's attention, interest, affection or support. Bids can be words ("Look at that sunset"), questions, touch, a text, a sigh or a funny face. Psychologist John Gottman called the bid the basic unit of emotional connection. How partners respond to these small, everyday reaches, more than to big gestures, helps build the trust and warmth that carry a couple through hard times. ## Where the idea comes from Gottman and Joan DeClaire described the emotional bid as the fundamental unit of connection in their book _The Relationship Cure_ [^1]. In Gottman's lab, researchers watched couples go about ordinary activities and recorded how often partners responded to each other's bids. The Gottman Institute reports that newlywed couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time in the lab, while couples who later divorced had done so only 33% of the time [^2]. A separate study of 49 newlywed couples found that playfulness and enthusiasm during an ordinary dinnertime chat was linked to more humor and affection during a later conflict discussion [^3]. The authors note that their findings are correlational, so they can't prove that responding to bids causes better conflict. ## What bids look like Bids are often so small they slip past unnoticed: - "You won't believe what my coworker said today." - Holding up your phone to show a photo. - A hand on the shoulder while passing in the kitchen. - "Do you want to go for a walk?" - A heavy sigh while reading the news. - A text with nothing but a song link. Some bids are hidden. A partner who says "The car is making that noise again" may be asking for help, reassurance or just company in the worry. ## What to do about it - **Notice first.** For one day, count how many times your partner reaches toward you. Many couples are surprised by the number. - **Respond, even briefly.** "Huh, that's wild" while making eye contact counts. You don't have to drop everything every time. - **Make your own bids clear.** Instead of hinting, say what you'd like. - **Repair missed bids.** Come back later and pick up the thread. Responding to a bid is called [turning toward](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/turning-toward). Ignoring it is turning away, and responding with irritation is turning against. **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Daily appreciations](https://strongercouple.app/app/daily-appreciations) ## Related terms - Read [what bids for connection are and why they matter](https://strongercouple.app/blog/bids-for-connection). - Learn the three responses in [turning toward, away and against](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/turning-toward). - Sharing good news is a special kind of bid. See [capitalization](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/capitalization). - Explore [daily rituals of connection for busy couples](https://strongercouple.app/blog/daily-rituals-of-connection). ## When to get professional help If bids go unanswered for long stretches and you feel lonely in your relationship, a couples therapist can help you rebuild connection. Our [guide to getting help](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) is a good starting point. If you feel unsafe reaching out to your partner at all, visit [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Questions people ask ### What are examples of bids for connection? Pointing out something out the window, sending a funny link, sighing loudly, asking 'How was your day?', reaching for a hand, or sharing a worry. Any small reach for attention can be a bid. ### What if I miss my partner's bids? Everyone misses bids sometimes. What matters is the overall pattern. You can also repair later: 'Earlier you mentioned your sister. I was distracted. Tell me now?' ### How do I make clearer bids? Be direct and specific. 'Can you sit with me for ten minutes? I had a rough day' is easier to answer than a sigh in the next room. ## Sources [^1]: The Relationship Cure. Crown / Harmony, 2001. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/69873/the-relationship-cure-by-john-m-gottman-phd-and-joan-declaire/9780609809532/ [^2]: An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/ [^3]: Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301-314, 2004. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2004.00024.x