--- title: Contempt url: https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/contempt author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: "Communication & conflict" sources: 3 --- # Contempt > Contempt is treating your partner as beneath you through mockery, sarcasm or disgust. Why it matters most of the Four Horsemen, and what helps. > **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now ## Key takeaways - Contempt is communicating superiority or disgust toward your partner, through words, tone or body language. - The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. - Contempt usually grows from negative thoughts about a partner that build up over time. - The antidote is a habit of noticing and expressing appreciation and respect. Contempt is treating your partner as if they are beneath you. It shows up as mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, sneering or eye-rolling, and it sends a message of disgust rather than disagreement. Of John Gottman's Four Horsemen, contempt is the one the Gottman Institute calls the single greatest predictor of divorce. It is also one couples can work on, starting with how they think about each other. > **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. > > - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. > - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. > - In an emergency, call 911. > > More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Visit [Help Now for confidential support](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Where the idea comes from Gottman's research on couples found that criticism attacks what a partner does, while contempt attacks who they are from a position of superiority. The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce [^1]. The Institute also reports that unhappy couples in its research showed roughly one positive interaction for every negative one during conflict, while happy couples kept about five positive interactions for every negative one [^2]. Contempt tips that balance quickly. These findings come from studies of particular couples, so treat them as strong patterns rather than guarantees. ## What contempt looks like Contempt can be loud or quiet: - **Mockery.** Repeating your partner's words in a whiny voice. - **Sarcasm used as a weapon.** "Oh, great job. Really impressive." - **Body language.** Eye-rolling, sneering, a disgusted sigh. - **Name-calling and insults.** Even "joking" ones. - **Moral superiority.** "I would never do something that thoughtless." A couple arguing about money might start with a complaint about a purchase. Contempt enters when one partner says, with a laugh, "Of course you bought it. You can't be trusted with a credit card." The topic is money. The message is "you are less than me." ## What to do about it The Gottman Institute's antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect [^3]. In practice: - **Catch the thought before the words.** Contempt grows from long-running negative thoughts about a partner. When you notice "they're so useless," look for one thing they did well today. - **Say appreciation out loud.** Small, specific thanks ("Thanks for picking up my prescription") count more than grand gestures. - **Name the need under the scorn.** Contempt often hides an unmet need. Say the need directly. - **Repair fast.** "That was mean. I'm sorry. Let me try again." **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Daily appreciations](https://strongercouple.app/app/daily-appreciations) ## Related terms - Read [signs of contempt and antidotes in depth](https://strongercouple.app/blog/contempt-in-relationships). - Contempt is one of the [Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/four-horsemen), close cousin to [criticism](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/criticism). - The [5:1 magic ratio](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/magic-ratio) explains why positive moments matter so much. - Try the [seven-day appreciation journal](https://strongercouple.app/library/exercises/appreciation-journal-7-day). ## When to get professional help Steady contempt is one of the clearest reasons to see a couples therapist. Our [guide to getting help](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) can help you start. If put-downs come with threats, control, isolation or fear, that may be abuse. Go to [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) or read [how to tell healthy, unhealthy and abusive apart](https://strongercouple.app/blog/healthy-unhealthy-abusive). ## Questions people ask ### What are examples of contempt? Eye-rolling, sneering, mocking your partner's voice, sarcastic put-downs, name-calling and hostile humor are common examples. The message underneath is 'I am better than you.' ### Can a relationship recover from contempt? Many couples reduce contempt by deliberately building appreciation and respect, often with help from a couples therapist. Contempt combined with threats, control or fear is a safety issue, not a communication problem. ### Is sarcasm always contempt? Not always. Playful teasing that both people enjoy is different. It becomes contempt when the humor is meant to belittle or when your partner feels mocked. ## Sources [^1]: The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ [^2]: What Causes Contempt in Relationships?. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-causes-contempt-in-relationships/ [^3]: The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/