--- title: Perpetual vs solvable problems url: https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/perpetual-problems author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: "Communication & conflict" sources: 3 --- # Perpetual vs solvable problems > Perpetual problems are lasting disagreements rooted in personality or lifestyle differences. Gottman reports 69% of conflict is perpetual. How to cope. > **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now ## Key takeaways - Perpetual problems are recurring disagreements rooted in fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle needs. - The Gottman Institute reports that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems, and all couples have them. - The goal with a perpetual problem is an accepting, ongoing dialogue, not a final solution. - Perpetual problems can become gridlocked, which usually brings in the Four Horsemen. Perpetual problems are disagreements that keep coming back because they grow out of real, lasting differences between two people, such as personality, values or lifestyle needs. Solvable problems, by contrast, can be settled with a decision or compromise. The Gottman Institute reports that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems. The goal is not to win or fix them, but to talk about them with acceptance. > **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. > > - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. > - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. > - In an emergency, call 911. > > More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Visit [Help Now for confidential support](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Where the idea comes from John Gottman and Nan Silver describe the difference between solvable and perpetual problems in _The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work_ [^1]. The Gottman Institute summarizes the finding this way: 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems, all couples have them, and what matters is not solving them but the feeling with which they are discussed [^2]. The Institute also notes that the same topic can be solvable for one couple and perpetual for another. Chores, money, sex and in-laws can fall into either category, depending on whether the disagreement touches a deep difference. ## What it looks like | Solvable | Perpetual | | -------------------------------------- | ---------------------------------------------------------------- | | Who picks up the kids on Wednesdays | One partner values spontaneity, the other needs a plan | | Whether to replace the couch this year | One partner is a saver, the other enjoys spending on experiences | | Which family to visit this holiday | Different levels of closeness each of you wants with family | A perpetual problem can be handled well or become **gridlocked**. Gridlocked conflict feels like the same painful fight with no movement. The Gottman Institute says gridlocked discussions almost always involve the [Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/four-horsemen) and lead to painful exchanges or icy silence [^2]. ## What to do about it - **Name it.** "This is one of our forever topics." Saying so takes pressure off finding a final answer. - **Look for the dream underneath.** Each position often hides a hope, value or story. Ask, "What does this mean to you?" The Gottman Institute calls this exploring the dreams within conflict [^3]. - **Aim for dialogue, not victory.** Talk with curiosity, humor and affection. - **Find a temporary compromise.** Agree on what you'll try for now, and revisit it later. - **Watch for flooding.** If either of you gets overwhelmed, pause and come back. **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Conflict resolution](https://strongercouple.app/app/conflict-resolution) ## Related terms - Read [having the same argument over and over](https://strongercouple.app/blog/same-argument-over-and-over). - Explore [dreams within conflict](https://strongercouple.app/blog/dreams-within-conflict) to loosen gridlock. - Gridlock often brings on [emotional flooding](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/emotional-flooding). - Try [prompts for hard conversations](https://strongercouple.app/library/prompts/prompts-for-hard-conversations). ## When to get professional help If a perpetual problem has become gridlocked, or it touches something like whether to have children, a couples therapist can help you talk about it without hurting each other. Our [guide to getting help](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) explains where to start. If the "same fight" involves control, threats or fear, it's not a perpetual problem. Visit [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Questions people ask ### What is an example of a perpetual problem? One partner likes a tidy home and the other doesn't notice clutter. One wants lots of social plans and the other recharges alone. These differences tend to come up again and again throughout a relationship. ### What does it mean when a perpetual problem is gridlocked? Gridlock is when the same disagreement leaves both of you feeling hurt, rejected or unheard every time, with no room to move. Talking about the dreams behind each position often helps loosen it. ### Can a perpetual problem ever be solved? Usually not completely, because it comes from who you each are. Couples can still find workable compromises and talk about the issue with humor and affection instead of pain. ## Sources [^1]: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (revised edition). Harmony Books, 2015. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/248395/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-phd-and-nan-silver/9780553447712/ [^2]: Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/ [^3]: Make Life Dreams Come True: Dreams Within Conflict. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/make-life-dreams-come-true-dreams-within-conflict/