--- title: Repair attempts url: https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/repair-attempts author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: Relationship science sources: 2 --- # Repair attempts > A repair attempt is any word or action that stops a fight from escalating, from a joke to an apology. See examples and how to accept them. > **Safety first.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now ## Key takeaways - A repair attempt is any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that keeps negativity from escalating out of control. - In Gottman's research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. - Repairs only work if the other partner can accept them, so receiving repair is a skill too. - Couples can agree on repair phrases ahead of time so they are easy to use in the moment. A repair attempt is any word or action that stops a disagreement from spiraling out of control. It can be an apology, a joke, a touch, "Can we try that again?" or simply "You have a point." John Gottman's research treats repair as one of the most important skills in a relationship, because every couple fights, and what matters most is whether they can get back on track. > **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. > > - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. > - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. > - In an emergency, call 911. > > More resources: [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now) These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Visit [Help Now for confidential support](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Where the idea comes from Gottman describes a repair attempt as "any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control," as quoted by the Gottman Institute [^1]. The Institute adds that in Gottman's research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. Gottman and Nan Silver cover repair as part of a broader set of principles in _The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work_, alongside friendship and managing conflict [^2]. The key insight is that success depends on two things: one partner making the repair, and the other being able to receive it. ## What repair attempts look like Repairs come in many flavors: - **Owning a part.** "I was harsh just now. Sorry." - **Asking for a reset.** "Can we start over? I want to hear you." - **Agreeing with something.** "That's fair. I didn't think of it that way." - **Calming things down.** "Let's slow down. This matters to me." - **Humor.** A shared inside joke that breaks the tension, when both of you find it funny. - **Touch.** Reaching for a hand, if that's welcome. - **Calling a pause.** "I'm getting flooded. Twenty minutes, then let's come back." Some couples even use a signal. The Gottman Institute describes a couple who keeps a yellow flag that either partner can "throw" to stop an argument from escalating [^1]. It works because they agreed on the rule ahead of time. ## What to do about it - **Make repairs early.** It is easier to steer a small disagreement than a full-blown fight. - **Accept repairs generously.** If your partner tries, even clumsily, meet them halfway: "Okay. Thanks for saying that." - **Agree on phrases in advance.** Pick a few lines you'll both recognize as an olive branch. - **Watch for flooding.** When either of you is overwhelmed, repairs bounce off. A real break helps first. - **Repair after, too.** Talking through a fight once you're calm is also repair. **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Conflict resolution](https://strongercouple.app/app/conflict-resolution) ## Related terms - Read [how couples recover mid-argument with repair attempts](https://strongercouple.app/blog/repair-attempts). - Print the [repair phrases card](https://strongercouple.app/library/exercises/repair-phrases-card) to keep handy. - Repair is the counterweight to the [Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/four-horsemen). - Repairs fail when someone is [emotionally flooded](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/emotional-flooding). ## When to get professional help If repair attempts are usually rejected, or fights keep ending without resolution, a couples therapist can help. See our [guide to getting help](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help). If apologies are followed by the same frightening behavior again and again, that may be a cycle of abuse. Visit [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Questions people ask ### What are some examples of repair attempts? 'Can we start over?', 'I'm sorry, that came out wrong', 'You have a point', a gentle touch, a shared inside joke, or 'I need a short break, but I'm coming back.' ### Why doesn't my partner accept my repair attempts? Repairs are harder to accept when someone is flooded or when there is a lot of built-up resentment. A break, a clearer apology or working on the underlying hurt may be needed first. ## Sources [^1]: R is for Repair. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/ [^2]: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (revised edition). Harmony Books, 2015. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/248395/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-by-john-gottman-phd-and-nan-silver/9780553447712/