--- title: Turning toward / away / against url: https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/turning-toward author: Stronger Couple Editorial Team published: 2026-10-18 updated: 2026-10-18 lastReviewed: 2026-10-18 topic: "Appreciation & connection" sources: 3 --- # Turning toward / away / against > Turning toward means responding to your partner's bids for attention. Learn the three response types from Gottman's research, with everyday examples. ## Key takeaways - Turning toward means acknowledging and engaging with a partner's bid for connection. - Turning away means ignoring or missing the bid, and turning against means responding with irritation or hostility. - The Gottman Institute reports that couples still married at a six-year follow-up turned toward each other 86% of the time, versus 33% for couples who divorced. - Turning toward can be brief: a look, a short reply or a touch is often enough. Turning toward is responding with interest when your partner reaches for your attention. Psychologist John Gottman describes three ways people respond to a partner's bid for connection: turning toward (engaging), turning away (ignoring or missing it) and turning against (responding with irritation or hostility). These tiny moments happen dozens of times a day, and over time the pattern shapes how close and trusted partners feel. ## Where the idea comes from Gottman and Joan DeClaire laid out the three responses in _The Relationship Cure_, building on observations of couples in everyday settings [^1]. The Gottman Institute reports that in a study of newlyweds, couples who were still married at the six-year follow-up had turned toward each other 86% of the time, while couples who divorced averaged only 33% [^2]. Related research with 49 newlywed couples found that warmth and playfulness in a casual dinnertime conversation went along with more humor and affection during a conflict discussion [^3]. Those studies observed newlyweds and were correlational, but they support the idea that small daily moments build a cushion for harder ones. ## What it looks like Imagine one partner says, "I think I'm going to try running again." | Response | Example | | --------------- | ------------------------------------------------------------ | | Turning toward | "Oh nice, what made you want to start again?" | | Turning away | Silence while scrolling, or "Did you pay the electric bill?" | | Turning against | "You say that every year." | Turning toward doesn't need to be enthusiastic every time. A nod, "mm-hm, tell me more" or a squeeze of the hand can be enough. Turning away is often not deliberate. Phones, kids, work and exhaustion pull attention elsewhere. Turning against usually comes from built-up resentment, and it tends to stop future bids altogether. ## What to do about it - **Do a quick audit.** Ask yourself honestly, as the Gottman Institute suggests, whether you're closer to 33% or 86%. - **Create bid-friendly moments.** A phone-free dinner or a ten-minute check-in after work gives bids a place to land. - **Use a "pause" response.** "I'm in the middle of something. Can I hear about it in ten?" is still turning toward. - **Notice your own bids.** If yours are often missed, try making them clearer and more direct. - **Talk about it without blame.** "I've noticed we both miss each other's little moments lately. Want to try paying more attention this week?" A weekly check-in is a natural time to talk about how connected you've each felt. **In the Stronger Couple app:** [Weekly check-ins](https://strongercouple.app/app/weekly-check-ins) ## Related terms - Start with what a [bid for connection](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/bids-for-connection) is. - Read [why small moments matter in turning toward vs. turning away](https://strongercouple.app/blog/turning-toward-vs-away). - Turning toward is one part of [emotional responsiveness](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/emotional-responsiveness). - If you feel distant, see [how to reconnect when you feel disconnected](https://strongercouple.app/blog/feeling-disconnected-from-partner). ## When to get professional help If one of you feels ignored or rejected most of the time, or attempts to connect regularly meet hostility, a couples therapist can help. Our [guide to getting help](https://strongercouple.app/library/guides/getting-help) explains where to start. If reaching out to your partner feels unsafe, visit [Help Now](https://strongercouple.app/help-now). ## Questions people ask ### Do I have to turn toward every bid? No. Nobody responds to every bid, and the research describes overall patterns. If you can't engage right now, a kind 'Give me five minutes, then I want to hear this' still turns toward your partner. ### Is turning away always a problem? Occasional misses are normal. A steady pattern of turning away can leave a partner feeling invisible, which often shows up later as loneliness or bigger fights. ## Sources [^1]: The Relationship Cure. Crown / Harmony, 2001. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/69873/the-relationship-cure-by-john-m-gottman-phd-and-joan-declaire/9780609809532/ [^2]: Turn Toward Instead of Away. The Gottman Institute, 2024. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/ [^3]: Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301-314, 2004. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2004.00024.x