---
title: Four Horsemen self-check
url: https://strongercouple.app/tools/four-horsemen-self-check
updated: 2026-10-18
---

# Four Horsemen self-check

> This free self-check helps you notice the four conflict patterns John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. You rate 12 statements about yourself, then see which patterns show up most and the antidote for each. It takes about three minutes. It looks only at your side, and it is a reflection, not a diagnosis.

This is an interactive tool that runs in your web browser at https://strongercouple.app/tools/four-horsemen-self-check. It is free and nothing you enter is saved or sent.

## The four patterns and their antidotes

Table: The Four Horsemen and their antidotes

| Pattern | What it sounds like | Antidote |
| --- | --- | --- |
| Criticism | "You never help. You are so selfish." | Gentle startup: describe the situation, your feeling and your need |
| Contempt | Eye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm, name-calling | Build a habit of appreciation and respect |
| Defensiveness | "It is not my fault, you are the one who…" | Take responsibility for even a small part |
| Stonewalling | Going silent, looking away, walking out | Take a break to calm down, then come back |

Gottman’s research found these patterns were linked with more unhappy relationships over time. Read the full explanation in our [Four Horsemen](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/four-horsemen) entry, or practice a calmer break with the [conflict pause timer](https://strongercouple.app/tools/conflict-pause-timer).

Contempt that is constant, or name-calling meant to frighten or control, can be part of emotional abuse. If that sounds familiar, please look at the resources below.

> **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead.
>
> - National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
> - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
> - In an emergency, call 911.
>
> More resources: https://strongercouple.app/help-now

> This tool runs entirely in your browser. Nothing you enter is saved or sent anywhere, and you do not need an account.

## Questions

### Why does it only ask about me?

Because the part of a conflict you can change is your own. Rating your partner tends to turn into blame.

### Does using these patterns mean our relationship is doomed?

No. Almost everyone uses them sometimes. What helps is noticing them and practicing the antidotes. A licensed couples therapist can help if they feel constant.