--- title: Conflict Cool-Down Plan: A Pause Worksheet for Couples url: https://strongercouple.app/worksheets/conflict-cool-down published: 2026-10-30 updated: 2026-10-30 publisher: "J&H Technology LLC" pdf: https://strongercouple.app/downloads/conflict-cool-down-worksheet.pdf --- # Conflict Cool-Down Plan: A Pause Worksheet for Couples > This conflict cool-down worksheet is a pause plan you make together when you are calm, so you can use it when you are not. Fill in one copy together: your pause signal, break length, calming activities, who restarts, and what you will say on return. Keep it where you both can see it. > **If you feel unsafe.** These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, or there is abuse, threats or coercive control, couples techniques are not the right tool. Talk to a domestic violence advocate instead. National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. In an emergency, call 911. More: https://strongercouple.app/help-now ## How to use this worksheet Time needed: about 15 minutes. Print one copy to fill in together. 1. **Choose a calm moment.** Set this up when you are getting along, not in the middle of a disagreement. Plan about 15 minutes. 2. **Fill in one copy together.** Take turns suggesting answers and write down only what you both agree on. 3. **Practice the signal.** Say the pause signal aloud once, and agree that using it is never a rejection. Nobody should be chased or punished for pausing. 4. **Post it where you can see it.** Stick the in-the-moment card on the fridge or take a photo. It is easier to follow a plan you can read. 5. **Review after the first use.** After your first real pause, talk about what worked and change anything that did not. ## The worksheet ### Our pause plan 1. Our agreed pause signal is... (a word or hand sign, said kindly, such as "pause") Answer: ________________________________________ 2. Our break will last at least... (at least 20 minutes, no more than a day) Answer: ________________________________________ 3. The person who restarts the talk is... and will do it by... (agree who and when; the one who called the pause often restarts) Answer: ________________________________________ ### How we each calm down Use the break to calm your body, not to rehearse the argument. Replaying it keeps you flooded. See [emotional flooding](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/emotional-flooding). 1. What I will do to calm down (Partner A)... (a walk, slow breathing, music, a shower) Answer: ________________________________________ 2. What I will do to calm down (Partner B)... Answer: ________________________________________ 3. Signs in my body that I am flooded are... (racing heart, tight chest or jaw, hot face, can't think) Answer: ________________________________________ ### When we come back 1. What I will say when we come back is... (for example, "Thanks for the break. I want to understand you.") Answer: ________________________________________ 2. We will restart by... (such as taking turns for five minutes each) Answer: ________________________________________ ### In-the-moment card Cut this out or copy it onto a sticky note. - [ ] Say our pause signal kindly - [ ] Say when we will talk again - [ ] Take a break of at least 20 minutes, apart - [ ] Calm the body: breathe, walk, drink water - [ ] Do not rehearse the argument - [ ] Come back at the agreed time and restart gently ## Tips - A pause is not stonewalling. You say you are pausing and when you will return. Read about [stonewalling](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/stonewalling) to see the difference. - Use the [conflict pause timer](https://strongercouple.app/tools/conflict-pause-timer) so neither of you has to watch the clock. - Start with small disagreements to practice. It is hard to learn a new habit in your biggest fight. - Pair this plan with your [fair fight agreement](https://strongercouple.app/library/exercises/fair-fight-agreement) so your rules fit together. ## Questions ### Why take a break of at least 20 minutes? When you feel flooded, your body is in a stress response and it is hard to listen or think clearly. Gottman Institute guidance, cited on our [emotional flooding](https://strongercouple.app/blog/emotional-flooding) page, suggests that at least 20 minutes is needed to settle. A shorter break often means you return still upset. ### What should we do during the break? Do something that calms your body and takes your mind off the argument: a walk, stretching, slow breathing, music, a shower or a simple chore. Avoid rehearsing your points, drafting texts to your partner or drinking alcohol to cope. The goal is to come back able to listen. ### What if one of us keeps walking away and never returns? That is why the plan names who restarts and when. The pause only works if the return is certain. If one person regularly avoids returning, or the other pursues during the break, talk about it in a calm check-in. A couples therapist can also help with this pattern. See [the pursue-withdraw cycle](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/pursue-withdraw-cycle). ### Is this safe if I am afraid of my partner? No. A shared pause plan assumes both people feel safe leaving and returning. If you are afraid, if your partner blocks you from leaving, or if fights involve threats or violence, this is not the right tool. Please use the safety resources on this page and read [healthy, unhealthy or abusive](https://strongercouple.app/blog/healthy-unhealthy-abusive). ## Related - [Fair Fight Agreement: A Couples' Worksheet](https://strongercouple.app/library/exercises/fair-fight-agreement) - [Flooding (diffuse physiological arousal)](https://strongercouple.app/library/glossary/emotional-flooding) - [Emotional Flooding: Why You Shut Down in Fights](https://strongercouple.app/blog/emotional-flooding) - [How to Stop Fighting With Your Partner: A Calm Guide](https://strongercouple.app/blog/how-to-stop-fighting-with-your-partner) - [How to Stop Fighting With Your Partner: Start Here](https://strongercouple.app/topics/stop-fighting) - [Conflict pause timer](https://strongercouple.app/tools/conflict-pause-timer) Download the printable PDF: https://strongercouple.app/downloads/conflict-cool-down-worksheet.pdf