New experiences can bring couples closer because they recreate some of the growth and discovery you felt early in your relationship. Research on self-expansion suggests that doing novel, mildly challenging activities together, such as a class, a new place or a shared project, is linked with more closeness, satisfaction and desire than repeating the same pleasant routine. It doesn't need to be expensive or risky. It needs to be new to both of you.
Below we explain the idea, what studies have actually found, 25 novel experiences to try, and how to fit novelty into a busy life. For the full picture on couple time, see our complete guide to date nights.
The self-expansion idea
Self-expansion is a theory from relationship science, developed by psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron. It starts from a simple observation: people are motivated to grow, learn new things and broaden who they are.
Close relationships are one of the main ways we do that. When you fall for someone, you take on parts of their world: their friends, interests, ways of seeing things. Researchers call this "inclusion of the other in the self," meaning you start to experience your partner's perspectives, resources and identity as partly your own [1]. You can read a short definition in our glossary entry on self-expansion.
Why relationships can start to feel flat
Early on, self-expansion happens fast. Every conversation teaches you something new about your partner. Over time, that pace naturally slows. You know their stories, their habits, their opinions. The researchers who developed this idea argue that this is a big reason long relationships can start to feel dull, even when nothing is wrong [2].
Their proposed fix: do novel and challenging things together, so the feeling of growth becomes linked to the relationship again [2].
What studies found
This isn't just a nice theory. Several kinds of studies have tested it. The evidence is encouraging, though most studies are fairly small and short-term.
Experiments in the lab
In three laboratory experiments, couples did either a 7-minute novel and arousing task or a more mundane one. Couples in the novel condition showed bigger increases in relationship quality, and the effect also showed up in how observers rated their conversations afterward. A no-activity control group confirmed the effect came from the novel task. The same paper's survey studies found that couples who reported more shared exciting activities were more satisfied, partly because they felt less bored [3].
Experiments in real life
In a 10-week study, married couples assigned to spend 90 minutes a week on activities they found exciting reported higher satisfaction than couples assigned to activities they found pleasant [4]. In a later randomized trial, a 4-week online program that encouraged couples to do exciting activities together for about 90 minutes a week raised excitement, positive feelings and satisfaction compared with a waiting-list group. The program group's scores were still above their starting point four months later [5].
Novelty and desire
Across three studies with long-term couples, using daily diaries, follow-up over time and an experiment, shared self-expanding activities were linked with higher sexual desire, and that desire was linked with greater relationship satisfaction. The researchers reported the benefit wasn't explained only by good mood or time spent together [6].
Growing apart vs growing together
Personal growth on your own matters too, but how you handle it seems important. Studies of couples found that day-to-day boosts in personal growth were linked with more passion. But people who were consistently growing outside the relationship in ways they didn't share with their partner reported less intimacy and, through that, less passion [7]. The takeaway: share what you're learning. Bring it home.
Not everyone needs thrills
In three 21-day diary studies with 390 couples, partners higher in attachment avoidance felt more satisfied on days with more novelty and excitement. Partners higher in attachment anxiety felt more satisfied on days with more comfort and familiarity [8]. So if your partner loves "our usual" while you crave adventure, you're not mismatched. Plan both.
For a closer look at the strengths and limits of this research, read do date nights really help?
25 novel ideas
Each idea is new to most couples, engaging and a little challenging. Start with ones that feel slightly outside your comfort zone, but not frightening for either of you.
Learn something together
- Take a one-night beginner class: pottery, glassblowing, welding, improv or bread-making.
- Learn 50 words of a language before a trip, real or imaginary.
- Learn a partner dance from beginner videos over four weeks, then go out dancing once.
- Take a free online course on a topic neither of you knows, and discuss one lesson a week.
- Learn to identify five local birds, trees or plants on your walks.
Go somewhere new
- Visit a neighborhood in your city you've never explored and eat at a place you've never tried.
- Take a day trip to the nearest town you've never visited.
- Go to a cultural festival from a culture neither of you belongs to, with curiosity and respect.
- Book a cheap night somewhere new, even 30 minutes away.
- Try a sunrise or night hike on a trail you haven't done.
Do something a little challenging
- Try an escape room, which you can only solve as a team.
- Go to a beginner climbing or bouldering session.
- Sign up for a charity walk or 5K and train for it together.
- Rent a tandem bike, kayak or canoe.
- Enter a trivia night, a pub quiz or a cooking competition.
Make something together
- Cook a full meal from a cuisine neither of you has tried.
- Build a piece of furniture, a garden bed or a birdhouse.
- Start a small shared project, such as a podcast, a photo book or a family recipe collection.
- Write and record a silly song together.
- Plant a vegetable garden and cook with the first harvest.
Experience something unfamiliar
- Go to a type of performance neither of you would usually choose: opera, a drag show, a poetry slam, a rodeo.
- Volunteer together somewhere new for an afternoon.
- Do a "yes day" where you say yes to each other's (reasonable) suggestions.
- Swap hobbies: each spend an evening teaching the other something you love.
- Have a "surprise date" where one partner plans everything and the other doesn't know what's coming.
Want more? The free date night generator filters ideas by budget and energy, and our list of date ideas for married couples who feel stuck has many more new-experience dates.
Fitting novelty into busy weeks
You don't need a big adventure every week. Small doses of novelty can help, and they fit into ordinary life.
Change one variable
Take something you already do and change one thing about it:
- Same walk, new route.
- Same takeout night, new cuisine.
- Same movie night, a genre neither of you usually picks.
- Same weekend coffee, a cafe across town.
Use the "one new thing a month" rule
Commit to one genuinely new shared experience each month. Put it on the calendar at the start of the month, and take turns choosing. Twelve new experiences a year adds up.
Keep a shared "someday" list
Whenever either of you hears about something interesting, such as a class, an exhibit or a restaurant, add it to a shared note. When date night comes, pick from the list instead of starting from scratch.
Mix novelty with comfort
Alternate new-experience dates with comfortable favorites. That balance suits most couples and respects the research showing people differ in what helps them feel close.
If one of you resists new things
It's common for one partner to crave novelty while the other prefers routine. Pushing harder rarely helps. Instead, let the less adventurous partner set the size of the step: a new recipe rather than a new country, a short beginner session rather than a full course. Let them veto anything that feels like too much, and pair something new with something comforting, like a new trail followed by your favorite diner. Over time, small successes tend to build appetite for slightly bigger ones.
Make it about the two of you
Novelty seems to help most when it's shared. Phones away, attention on each other, and a quick debrief afterward: "What was your favorite moment?" That small habit helps link the experience to your relationship.
If boredom has been building for a while, our article on getting unstuck from a relationship rut has more ideas.
When to get professional help
New experiences help couples who've drifted into routine. They won't resolve deeper issues like contempt, broken trust or constant conflict. If you've tried adding novelty and still feel distant or stuck, a licensed couples therapist can help you figure out what's underneath. Our guide to getting help explains your options.
These ideas assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, please visit Help Now for confidential support.