Is this abuse?
Abuse is a pattern of behavior one partner uses to gain or keep power and control over the other. It is not only physical. It can be emotional, financial, digital or sexual, and it often includes coercive control. If you feel afraid of your partner, or feel you must change what you do to avoid their reaction, that is a serious warning sign.
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Healthy, unhealthy and abusive
Every relationship has disagreements. The question is whether both people feel safe, respected and free to be themselves.
| Area | Healthy | Unhealthy | Abusive |
|---|---|---|---|
| Disagreements | You can disagree and both feel heard | Arguments often turn into blame or silence | Disagreeing leads to threats, intimidation or punishment |
| Independence | You each see friends and family freely | One partner sometimes pressures the other to stay in | One partner isolates the other or controls where they go |
| Money | Decisions are shared and open | Money causes repeated tension | One partner controls all money or blocks access to it |
| Phones and privacy | Trust without checking | Occasional snooping or jealousy | Monitoring, tracking or demanding passwords |
| Sex and touch | Both freely agree, and no means no | Pressure or guilt about intimacy | Forcing, coercing or ignoring a no |
| Fear | You feel safe around each other | You avoid some topics to keep the peace | You are afraid of how your partner will react |
Forms of abuse
- Emotional: insults, humiliation, constant criticism, gaslighting or threats to leave or harm.
- Financial: controlling money, taking earnings, running up debt in your name or stopping you from working.
- Digital: tracking your location, reading your messages, demanding passwords or posting private images.
- Sexual: any sexual activity without free consent, including pressure, guilt or threats.
- Physical: hitting, pushing, choking, restraining or damaging your things.
What coercive control looks like
Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behavior that limits your freedom. It may include isolating you from others, monitoring what you do, setting rules you must follow, controlling money and making threats. Each act might seem small, but together they leave you feeling trapped.
What to do next
- Trust your feelings. You do not need proof or certainty to ask for help.
- Talk with a domestic violence advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (external site). It is free, confidential and open 24/7.
- Do not use couples exercises, couples apps or couples counseling to fix abuse. They are not designed for it and can increase risk.
- Review Help Now for safety tips, including how to browse more safely.
Information on this page draws on the National Domestic Violence Hotline's published guidance. It is for education and is not legal or professional advice.