The "36 questions to fall in love" are a set of increasingly personal questions from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues. Pairs of strangers took turns answering them for about 45 minutes and reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk. The study measured closeness, not love. Below is the full list in its three sets, what the research did and didn't show, and how couples can use it. For more lists, see our guide to conversation questions for couples.

Where do the 36 questions come from?

The questions come from a research procedure designed to create closeness between people who had never met. Aron and his colleagues published it in 1997 in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin [1].

Their idea was simple. One pattern that builds closeness between people is gradual, back-and-forth sharing that becomes more personal over time. The researchers wrote 36 questions that do exactly that, in three sets of twelve. Each set is more probing than the one before, and partners take turns so neither person shares much more than the other.

In the experiments, unacquainted pairs who asked each other the 36 questions reported a greater increase in closeness than pairs who asked each other 36 small-talk questions. According to the Greater Good in Action summary of the research, the effect held whether or not the pairs shared core beliefs, and whether or not they expected the exercise to work [1].

The questions became famous years later through a widely read Modern Love essay by writer Mandy Len Catron, titled "To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This," which described trying them on a date [2]. That essay, not the original study, is where the "fall in love" framing comes from.

How to do the 36 questions

You take turns asking and answering the questions in order, spending about a third of your time on each set. Here is the procedure as described by UC Berkeley's Greater Good in Action [1].

  1. Set aside 20 to 45 minutes when you can sit together without phones or interruptions.
  2. Divide your time into thirds. Spend the first third on Set I, the second on Set II and the last on Set III.
  3. Both of you answer every question. Alternate who goes first each time.
  4. Move on when the time is up, even if you haven't finished the set. This keeps you spending similar time at each level of sharing.
  5. Be honest, and either of you can pass. The exercise only works if both people feel comfortable.

The full list of 36 questions

Here are all 36 questions as published by Greater Good in Action, in their original order and sets [1]. Some items are instructions rather than questions, such as telling your life story in four minutes.

Set I

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

  1. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling…"
  2. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share…"
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

What the study did and didn't show

The study showed that structured, escalating self-disclosure can create a feeling of closeness quickly between strangers. It did not show that the questions make people fall in love or lead to lasting relationships.

Claim you may have heardWhat the research actually supports
"The 36 questions make anyone fall in love."The study measured closeness between unacquainted pairs, not romantic love [1].
"It works because of the specific questions."The design relies on gradual, mutual, increasingly personal sharing. The specific wording matters less than that structure.
"It works on everyone."Participants were volunteers in a lab, and results were averages across pairs. Individual experiences vary.
"You must stare into each other's eyes for four minutes."That step appears in popular retellings. It is not part of the published list we reproduce here.

Why would escalating questions build closeness? Broader research on intimacy offers an explanation. In diary studies of everyday conversations, intimacy grew when people shared something personal and felt their conversation partner was responsive. Sharing feelings mattered more than sharing facts [3]. The 36 questions push both people toward that kind of sharing in a safe, structured way.

There's also a reason the exercise often surprises people. In more recent experiments, people expected deep conversations with strangers to be more awkward than they turned out to be, and underestimated how interested the other person would be. Deep conversations led to more connection than shallow ones [4].

Using the 36 questions as a long-term couple

Long-term couples can use the questions to rediscover each other, because many of them ask about things partners rarely talk about once daily life takes over. You may be surprised how much you don't know.

A few tips for couples:

  • Treat it as a date, not a test. Pick a relaxed evening, make tea or pour a drink, and put your phones in another room.
  • Read "partner" as "you." Questions like "Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common" become a fun look at what you see in each other now.
  • Notice what's changed. Your answer to "What would constitute a perfect day?" may be very different than it was when you met.
  • Give extra time to Set III. Questions 28 and 31 invite direct appreciation. Don't rush them.
  • Handle the heavy ones gently. Questions 18, 24, 33 and 35 touch grief and family pain. Anyone can pass.
  • Do something new afterward. Research on couples suggests doing novel, exciting activities together is linked with feeling better about the relationship [5]. A walk somewhere you've never been is a nice way to close the evening.

If the questions open up a pattern you want to keep, a weekly ritual helps. Our app's conversation prompt library offers a fresh prompt whenever you want one, so the curiosity doesn't stop after one evening.

How to make the conversation feel safe

The exercise works only when both people feel safe to share. A few ground rules keep it that way:

  • Anyone can pass on any question, no explanation needed.
  • Nothing shared is used against anyone later.
  • Listen to understand. Reflect back what you heard before adding your own view.
  • If a question touches a sore spot in your relationship, note it and agree to come back to it another time rather than turning the evening into an argument.

If you feel afraid of your partner, a closeness exercise isn't the right tool. Please visit Help Now for confidential support.

Questions to try after the 36

Once you've finished, you can keep the momentum going with lists built for couples rather than strangers:

When to get professional help

A question exercise can bring you closer, but it can't resolve deep hurt on its own. Consider a licensed couples therapist if you notice:

  • Ongoing contempt or withdrawal
  • An affair or broken trust
  • Addiction affecting your relationship
  • Depression or anxiety affecting daily life
  • Any fear of your partner
  • Thoughts of self-harm

Our getting help guide and our article on how to find a couples therapist can help you take the next step. If you are unsafe, visit Help Now. If you're thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.

This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.

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