Discernment counseling is a short, structured process for couples where one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship and the other wants to try to save it. It isn't couples therapy. The goal is clarity and confidence about what to do next. It runs for one to five sessions, mostly in separate conversations with each partner. It isn't suitable where there is danger of domestic violence.
This article is part of our guide to getting help for your relationship.
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling is a brief approach for "mixed-agenda" couples. In these couples, one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. It was developed by William J. Doherty and colleagues, who note that these couples are common in therapy offices but had been neglected in the research [1].
The aim is clarity and confidence about the next step for the relationship. That clarity comes from a deeper understanding of what has happened and of each partner's contributions to the problems [1]. Its developers are explicit that it is not couples therapy. It isn't trying to help you solve problems together, communicate better or get closer. It is trying to help you decide whether to try [2].
Why it exists
Regular couples therapy works best when both partners want to work on the relationship. Research on behaviorally based couple therapies found that higher commitment predicted a lower chance of divorce or separation five years later [3]. When one partner has one foot out the door, couples therapy can stall. The leaning-out partner may feel pushed. The leaning-in partner may feel the therapy is their last desperate hope.
Discernment counseling accepts ambivalence rather than trying to work around it [2]. It avoids starting half-hearted couples therapy that neither partner fully believes in.
How does discernment counseling work?
It's short and tightly structured. The couple's first commitment is just one two-hour session. At the end of that session, each partner decides separately whether they want one more session. The process continues this way up to a maximum of five sessions [2].
What happens in sessions
- Mostly separate conversations. Sessions emphasize individual time with each partner, with carefully structured moments of sharing as a couple [1] [2].
- Each partner is met where they are. The leaning-out partner is supported in their uncertainty. The leaning-in partner is supported in their hope and distress [2].
- A focus on your own part. There is a big emphasis on what each partner can learn about themselves from the problems in the relationship [2].
The three paths
At the end, the process is framed around three possible directions [2]:
| Path | What it means |
|---|---|
| Path one: status quo | Keep the relationship as it is for now, without starting therapy or ending things |
| Path two: separation or divorce | Move toward ending the relationship |
| Path three: reconciliation effort | Commit to six months of couples therapy, with a clear agenda for personal change and divorce off the table during that time |
What happens afterward
In an analysis of 100 consecutive cases, about half of couples chose to start couples therapy to try to reconcile. Most of the rest chose the divorce path [1]. Neither outcome is treated as failure. The point is that the decision is made with clear eyes, and that both partners understand what happened and their own part in it.
This is a description of cases from the developers' own practice, not a randomized trial. It tells you what couples tend to choose, not whether discernment counseling produces better outcomes than other options.
Who is it for?
Discernment counseling is designed for couples who were committed for the long term, where one partner is uncertain about continuing and doubtful that couples therapy can help, and the other really wants to save the relationship [4]. It was built around married couples, but the official directory says unmarried partners who planned their lives together may also be eligible [4].
It may be a good fit if:
- One of you has said "I'm not sure I want to stay" or "I think I want a divorce," but hasn't fully decided.
- You've tried couples therapy before and it didn't help, and one of you has little energy for more.
- One of you is leaning in hard and the other feels pressured.
- You want to make a big decision carefully rather than in the heat of a crisis.
When it isn't the right fit
According to the official directory, discernment counseling is not suited to these situations [4]:
- When one partner has already made a final decision to divorce
- When one partner is coercing the other to participate
- When there is danger of domestic violence
That last point matters. If you feel afraid of your partner, neither discernment counseling nor couples therapy is the right step. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage counseling with an abusive partner, because therapy can't fix the power imbalance in an abusive relationship [5]. Contact an advocate instead: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
If you're the one leaning in
It's painful to want to save a relationship when your partner is unsure. A few things that tend to help:
- Don't chase. Pressure usually pushes a leaning-out partner further away.
- Work on your own part. Look at the patterns you contribute to, even if your partner's part feels bigger.
- Get support for yourself. An individual therapist, trusted friends or family can carry some of the weight.
- Suggest discernment counseling as a pause, not a trap. It is a way to slow down a life-changing decision. It isn't a way to talk your partner out of leaving.
If you're the one leaning out
You may feel guilty, exhausted or certain that nothing will change. Discernment counseling doesn't ask you to commit to fixing things. It asks you to take a careful look before deciding. That can bring peace of mind whichever way you go. If you have children, a decision made slowly and with a clear understanding of what happened may also help you approach the next stage more thoughtfully.
Questions to think about before you start
These questions can help each of you get ready. You can reflect on them alone or with an individual therapist. You don't need to share your answers with your partner.
- What would need to be different for me to want to stay?
- Have I clearly told my partner what has been hard for me, or have I mostly kept it inside?
- What part have I played in the patterns between us?
- If we chose couples therapy, what would I personally be willing to change?
- If we separated, what would I want that to look like for me, my partner and any children?
- Am I making this decision from a calm place, or in the middle of a crisis?
There are no right answers. The point is to come into the process honest with yourself.
How to find a discernment counselor
Start with the official directory, then check the person's license and training like you would with any therapist.
- Search the official directory. The Official Directory of Discernment Counselors (external site) lists independent providers by location.
- Check their license. Look for a licensed mental health professional, such as an LMFT, LPC, LCSW or psychologist. Verify the license on your state board's website.
- Ask about their training. Ask how they were trained in discernment counseling and how often they offer it.
- Ask about the structure. A provider following the model should describe a two-hour first session, with each partner choosing whether to continue, up to five sessions.
- Ask about safety screening. Ask how they check whether the process is safe for your situation.
- Plan for the next step. If you choose couples therapy afterward, ask whether they provide it or can refer you. Our guide on how to find a good couples therapist can help.
If no provider is near you, ask whether they offer sessions online. As with other therapy, providers usually need to be licensed where you are located during sessions.
Related reading
- If you're weighing whether to stay, our guide to should I stay or leave? starts with safety and offers honest questions to ask yourself.
- If you've both decided to try, read how to save your marriage when it feels too late.
- To understand what couples therapy can offer afterward, see does couples therapy work?
When to get professional help
A decision about ending a relationship is one of the biggest you'll make, and you don't have to make it alone. Consider discernment counseling or individual therapy if one of you is seriously thinking of leaving. Seek help right away if you or your partner are struggling with depression or hopelessness. If anyone is having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you feel unsafe, go to Help Now. Our guide to getting help covers every option.
This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help. If you're unsafe, visit Help Now.