Should I Stay or Leave? Questions to Ask Honestly

Whether to stay or leave is one of the hardest decisions there is, and no article can make it for you. Start with safety: if you are afraid of your partner, talk with a confidential domestic violence advocate first. If you feel safe, look honestly at patterns over time, your partner's willingness to change, and who you are becoming in the relationship. Feeling torn is normal, and you rarely have to decide today.

These questions assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to Help Now.

This article is part of our guide to struggling relationships. It does not have a hidden agenda. We are not trying to talk you into staying or out of it. The goal is to help you think clearly, at your own pace, with support.

If you feel unsafe, start here

If you feel afraid of your partner, the most important question is not "stay or leave?" It is "how do I stay safe while I figure out what to do?"

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) describes intimate partner violence as abuse or aggression in a romantic relationship. That includes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression, meaning words or actions used to harm a partner emotionally or to control them ^[1].

Some signs that your situation is about safety, not just unhappiness:

• You change what you say or do to avoid setting your partner off.
• Your partner has hit, pushed, grabbed, choked or threatened you.
• You are pressured or forced into sex.
• Your partner controls the money, your phone or who you see.
• Your partner tracks your location or reads your messages.
• Your partner has threatened to hurt you, themselves, the children or pets if you leave.

If any of these are true:

• Talk with an advocate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can help you think through options and make a safety plan, whether you decide to stay for now or to leave.
• In an emergency, call 911.
• If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988.
• Be careful with your devices. If your partner may check your phone or computer, use a device they cannot access, and use the quick-exit button on our Help Now page.

Couples counseling is generally not recommended when there is abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abuse is not a relationship problem, that a partner may later use what was said in therapy against you, and that a therapist who does not recognize the abuse may side with the abusive partner ^[2]. If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing counts, read healthy, unhealthy or abusive? and our article on the signs of emotional abuse.

Why this decision is so hard

If you feel stuck going back and forth, there is a reason. In research on people who were actively considering a breakup or divorce, participants described 27 kinds of reasons for wanting to stay and 23 kinds of reasons for wanting to leave. Many people endorsed reasons on both sides at once ^[3]. Dating couples tended to name positive reasons to stay, like emotional closeness, while married participants more often named constraints, like shared investment and family responsibilities.

In other words, ambivalence is not a personal failing. It is what this decision usually feels like.

A few things can make clear thinking harder:

• Exhaustion. After months of conflict, any change can feel like relief.
• Fear of the unknown. Money, housing, children, loneliness and what people will think.
• Hope. A good week after a bad month can make everything feel fixable.
• Guilt. Especially if you are the one who wants to leave.

You do not have to resolve all of this at once. You can take one honest look at a time.

Questions about the relationship

These questions look at the relationship over time, not just at the last fight. Try answering them in writing, over several days, ideally at a calm moment.

Respect and safety

The last question matters. The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research ^[4]. Contempt is serious, but it is also something couples can work on when both are willing. See contempt in a relationship.

Patterns and repair

Willingness to change

Connection and goodwill

Values and future

Questions about yourself

The relationship is only half of it. These questions are about you.

That second-to-last question deserves care. Depression and long-term stress can drain the color out of everything, including a relationship. That does not mean your feelings are wrong. It means it may be worth getting support for yourself before making a permanent decision.

A simple exercise: two lists, then a walk

1. On one page, write your honest reasons to stay. On another, your honest reasons to leave. Do not censor either list.
2. Mark each reason as pattern (has been true for months or years) or moment (mostly about recent events).
3. Mark each reason as changeable (could realistically change if both tried) or fixed (unlikely to change).
4. Put the lists away for two days. Then reread them and notice which ones still feel true.

This will not give you an answer. It often gives you a clearer picture of what the real question is.

What staying and leaving actually require

Both paths take work. Seeing them side by side can make the choice feel less abstract.

Neither column is the "right" answer. The right answer is the one you can reach clearly, safely and without coercion from anyone.

Getting support to decide

You do not have to work this out alone, and you do not have to decide today, unless you are in danger.

Individual therapy

An individual therapist can help you understand your own feelings, patterns and fears, without an agenda about the outcome. This is often the best first step when you feel completely stuck.

Discernment counseling

If you are leaning toward leaving and your partner wants to try, or the other way around, discernment counseling was built for you. It is a short-term approach for "mixed-agenda" couples. Its goal is clarity and confidence about the next step, not saving the relationship at any cost. Sessions focus heavily on separate conversations with each partner ^[5]. In an analysis of 100 cases, about half the couples chose to start couples therapy to try to reconcile, and most of the rest chose to divorce ^[5]. Read more about discernment counseling.

Discernment counseling is not appropriate when there is abuse or fear. In that case, talk with a domestic violence advocate.

Couples therapy

If you both want to try, couples therapy has solid evidence. A major research review found it helps about 70% of couples who receive it ^[6]. See how to save your marriage when it feels too late for steps you can take together and alone.

Trusted people

Choose one or two people who are fair to both you and your partner, and who will listen rather than tell you what to do.

A note on changing your mind

You are allowed to try again after deciding to leave, and you are allowed to leave after deciding to try. In one survey of divorcing parents, about 1 in 4 believed their marriage could still be saved with hard work, which shows how unsettled these decisions can feel even late in the process ^[7]. What matters is that each step is taken as clearly and safely as you can.

When to get professional help

Consider talking with a professional now if:

• You feel any fear of your partner. Start with a domestic violence advocate, not a couples therapist.
• You are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Call or text 988.
• Depression or anxiety is affecting your daily life.
• There has been an affair or another serious breach of trust.
• Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or anything else is part of the picture.
• There is ongoing contempt, or one of you has withdrawn for weeks or months.

Our getting help guide explains your options, and how to find a good couples therapist covers credentials and questions to ask. If you are unsafe, go to Help Now.

This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.

Keep going

• Back to the struggling relationships guide
• How to save your marriage when it feels too late
• Signs your relationship is in trouble (and what helps)
• Healthy, unhealthy or abusive? How to tell the difference