A monthly relationship check-in is a longer, deeper conversation, usually 45 to 60 minutes, where you step back from the week's logistics and look at the bigger picture: how connected you feel, money, intimacy, goals, fun and family. Pick one or two themes each month, start by naming the month's highlights, talk through what you'd like more or less of, and finish with one shared goal for the month ahead.
It fits alongside the weekly habit described in our complete guide to relationship check-ins.
These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to Help Now.
Weekly vs monthly: what's the difference?
Weekly check-ins handle the near term. Monthly check-ins handle the long term. Both have a place.
| Weekly check-in | Monthly check-in | |
|---|---|---|
| Length | 15–20 minutes | 45–60 minutes |
| Focus | This week: appreciation, one issue, one plan | This month and beyond: themes, patterns, goals |
| Typical topics | Chores, scheduling, a small hurt | Money, intimacy, goals, how you spend time together |
| Ends with | One small plan for the week | One shared goal or experience for the month |
| Setting | Home, after dinner | Somewhere a little special: a café, a walk, a picnic |
Weekly check-ins are good at catching small things. But they rarely make room for questions like "Do we still want to move in two years?" or "Are we OK with how little time we spend alone together?" A monthly check-in gives those topics a protected slot. The Gottman Institute lists monthly check-ins among its examples of rituals of connection [1].
The closest research to a monthly check-in is the Marriage Checkup, where couples reviewed their relationship's strengths and concerns with a clinician and repeated it a year later. In a randomized trial, those couples reported more intimacy and felt more accepted than couples on a waitlist [2]. Your monthly check-in is a do-it-yourself version of that big-picture review. If you're unsure whether you need weekly, monthly or both, read how often should couples check in?
Topics to cover
Rotate five themes. Choose one or two per month, so in a typical year each theme comes up two or three times.
- Connection and fun: time together, affection, novelty, laughter.
- Intimacy: emotional closeness, physical affection, sex.
- Money and home: spending, saving, debt, chores and the mental load.
- Goals and growth: shared dreams, individual goals, progress on plans.
- Family, friends and the outside world: in-laws, kids, friendships, work stress, time for yourselves.
A simple rotation:
| Month | Themes |
|---|---|
| January | Goals and growth + Money and home |
| February | Intimacy + Connection and fun |
| March | Family and friends |
| April | Money and home |
| May | Connection and fun + Goals check-in |
| June | Intimacy |
Then repeat, adjusting to what's happening in your life. A new baby, a job change or a move might call for an extra "how are we handling this?" month.
Why connection and fun deserve a slot
It's tempting to treat fun as a reward for when everything else is sorted. Research suggests it's part of the maintenance. In experiments, couples who did a novel, exciting task together showed bigger gains in relationship quality than couples who did a mundane task, and surveys linked shared exciting activities to satisfaction partly through less boredom [3]. Planning something new each month is a small way to put that into practice.
Questions by topic
Pick three to five questions from your chosen theme. Both partners answer. Remember that sharing feelings, not just facts, is linked to feeling closer [4].
Looking back (every month)
- What was the highlight of this month for us?
- When did you feel most loved by me this month?
- What's something I did this month that you'd like more of?
- Was there a moment this month you felt disconnected from me?
Connection and fun
- Do we have enough time together that isn't about chores or kids?
- What's something new you'd like us to try next month?
- What used to make us laugh that we haven't done in a while?
- How would you like to spend our next free weekend?
Intimacy
- How have you felt about our physical closeness this month?
- Is there a kind of affection you'd like more of, big or small?
- Is there anything that gets in the way of you feeling relaxed or close with me?
- Is there something about our sex life you've wanted to talk about but haven't?
Intimacy can be a tender topic. Go slowly, and agree that either partner can say "let's come back to this." For more, see our questions about intimacy to ask your partner.
Money and home
- How are you feeling about our finances right now, on a scale of 1 to 10?
- Are there big expenses coming up in the next few months?
- Are we saving toward the things that matter most to us?
- Does the way we split chores and household planning feel fair to you?
If the split of household work comes up, the concept of the mental load can help you name the invisible planning and remembering that often goes unnoticed. Our 30 money questions every couple should discuss can go deeper.
Goals and growth
- What's one personal goal you're working on, and how can I support it?
- Are we making progress on the shared goals we set?
- Is there a dream we've stopped talking about?
- Where do you hope we'll be a year from now?
Family, friends and the outside world
- How are you feeling about the time we spend with family?
- Are there friendships either of us has been neglecting?
- Is work or anything else outside our relationship taking more of your energy than you'd like?
- Do you feel like you get enough time for yourself?
Looking ahead (every month)
- What's one shared goal for next month?
- What's one thing we'll do just for fun?
- Is there anything we should put on the calendar now so it actually happens?
Template
Copy this into a notes app or notebook. Each of you can jot notes before you talk.
Monthly relationship check-in
Month: ______ Themes this month: ______
1. Look back (10 minutes)
- Our highlight this month: ______
- When I felt most loved: ______
- Something I'd like more of: ______
2. Theme conversation (25–35 minutes)
- Theme 1: ______
- My answers to the questions: ______
- What I heard from you: ______
- Theme 2 (optional): ______
- My answers: ______
- What I heard from you: ______
3. One thing to change or try (5 minutes)
- What we'll do differently next month: ______
4. Look ahead (10 minutes)
- One shared goal for next month: ______
- One fun or new thing we'll do: ______
- Date on the calendar: ______
5. Close
- One thing I appreciated about this conversation: ______
If your goals keep coming up, our couple goals planner and guide on how to set goals as a couple can help turn them into steps.
A sample monthly check-in
Here's how it might go for a couple, Jamie and Lee, who chose "Connection and fun" and "Money and home" for March.
They meet at a café on the first Saturday morning. Over coffee, they each name a highlight: Jamie loved the snowy walk, and Lee felt most loved when Jamie covered school pickup during a crunch week at work. For connection, they realize they haven't had a night out in six weeks, and they book a cooking class. For money, Lee admits feeling anxious about the credit card balance. Jamie listens, reflects that back, and they agree to look at the budget together on Wednesday instead of solving it at the café. They end by putting the class and the budget night on the calendar. Total time: about 50 minutes.
How to keep the monthly check-in from feeling like an audit
- Make it a treat. Do it over brunch, on a long walk, or with a favorite dessert.
- Look back before you look forward. Starting with highlights reminds you what's working.
- One or two themes only. Depth beats coverage.
- Talk about feelings and needs, not faults. The Gottman Institute's gentle start-up approach applies here too: describe what you feel and what you'd like, rather than what's wrong with your partner [5].
- Leave big decisions for a follow-up. If you hit something major, like a move or a job change, agree on a separate time to decide.
- Pause if it gets heated. Take at least 20 minutes before continuing. The conflict pause timer can help.
When to get professional help
A monthly check-in can surface bigger issues. Consider a licensed couples therapist if you notice:
- Ongoing contempt, mockery or withdrawal.
- An affair or a breach of trust.
- Addiction affecting the relationship.
- Depression or anxiety affecting daily life.
- Any fear of your partner. Go to Help Now; couples work isn't recommended when there's abuse.
- Thoughts of self-harm. Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Our getting help guide and how to find a couples therapist explain your options. This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.