How long should a weekly relationship check-in take?

Most couples need 20 to 40 minutes. This worksheet is built for about 30 minutes. The Gottman Institute's State of the Union meeting runs about an hour, so take longer if you need it, but stop before you are both tired.

What if a check-in turns into a fight?

Pause. Agree to take a break of at least 20 minutes, do something calming, and come back to the conversation later. If check-ins often turn into fights, a couples therapist can help you find out why.

Do we both have to fill in the worksheet?

It works best when each of you answers the questions on your own first, then you compare answers together. If your partner is not ready, you can still use the reflection questions on your own.

Weekly Relationship Check-In Worksheet (Printable)

A weekly relationship check-in is a short, planned conversation where you share what went well, what was hard, and what you each need next week. This worksheet walks you through it in about 30 minutes. You start with appreciation, talk about one issue at most, and finish with a small plan. Each of you fills in your own copy, then you compare answers together.

The idea is simple: problems are easier to handle when they have a regular place to go. The Gottman Institute recommends a weekly "State of the Union" meeting of about an hour that opens with appreciations before any problem comes up ^[1]. Our guide to doing a weekly relationship check-in explains the thinking behind it. This page is the hands-on version.

There is also some trial evidence that regular checkups help. In a randomized trial of 215 married couples, couples who took part in brief relationship "checkups" reported more intimacy and felt more accepted than a wait-list group, with small to moderate effects ^[2]. Those checkups were yearly visits with a professional, not a weekly worksheet, so treat that as encouraging, not proof.

Time needed

About 30 minutes a week: 5 minutes to fill in your own worksheet, 20 minutes to talk, and 5 minutes to plan and close.

What you need

Two copies of the printable worksheet below, or two phones open to this page
Two pens
A quiet spot with no TV and phones face down
A timer, if you tend to run long

Steps

Pick a time and place. Choose a regular 30-minute slot each week when you are both rested, fed, and free from screens. Sunday evening or a weekday after the kids are asleep works for many couples.
Answer the worksheet on your own. Spend five minutes each filling in your own copy before you talk. Writing first slows things down and helps quieter partners get their thoughts out.
Start with appreciations. Take turns sharing two or three specific things your partner did this week that you valued. "Thanks for handling the dishes on Tuesday when I was wiped out" lands better than "thanks for everything."
Share what went well and what was hard. Each partner shares their highs and lows while the other listens. The listener's job is to understand, not to fix, defend, or correct.
Raise one issue gently. Pick a single issue. Describe how you feel, the situation, and what you need, without blame. Look for one small step you can both try this week. Save other issues for future check-ins.
Plan the week ahead. Agree on one connection plan, such as a walk or a meal together, and note busy days, deadlines, or stresses coming up.
Close warmly. End with a thank-you, a hug, or something kind. Put next week's check-in on the calendar.

Debrief questions

Use these after your first three check-ins to adjust the format.

What part of the check-in felt most useful to you?
Did either of us feel rushed, unheard, or ambushed?
Is our time slot working, or should we move it?
Did we stick to one issue? If not, what pulled us off track?
What is one thing we want to keep doing next week?

Printable worksheet

Print one copy per partner. Fill in your own copy first, then talk.

Part 1: This week

On a scale of 1 to 10, how connected did I feel to you this week? Answer: ____
One moment this week when I felt close to you: Answer: ________________________________________
One thing that was hard for me this week (inside or outside our relationship): Answer: ________________________________________

Part 2: Appreciations

Something specific you did that I appreciated: Answer: ________________________________________
A quality of yours I noticed this week: Answer: ________________________________________

Part 3: One issue (optional)

I feel: ________________________________________
About this situation: ________________________________________
What I need is: ________________________________________
One small step we could try: ________________________________________

Part 4: Next week

Busy days or stresses coming up: Answer: ________________________________________
One thing we will do together: Answer: ________________________________________
One way you could support me: Answer: ________________________________________

Closing checklist

We each shared at least one appreciation
We stuck to one issue or none
We have a connection plan for next week
Next check-in is on the calendar

For more question ideas, see our weekly check-in prompts collection and the 50 relationship check-in questions. If you want the background on the format, read the State of the Union meeting definition.

When to get professional help

A worksheet can help you talk, but it is not a substitute for therapy. Consider a licensed couples therapist if check-ins keep turning into the same fight, if one of you shuts down every time, or if you are dealing with an affair, addiction, or depression. Our guide to getting help explains your options. If you ever feel afraid of your partner, skip the check-in and go to Help Now for confidential support.

This page is for education and is not a substitute for professional help. If you're struggling, a licensed couples therapist can help. If you're unsafe, visit Help Now.