A healthy relationship rests on a baseline of safety, respect, honesty, and freedom. Both partners can speak up without fear, keep their own friends and interests, make their own choices about money and their bodies, and disagree without being threatened or belittled. Couples still argue and still struggle. But if one partner uses fear, threats, or control to get their way, that is abuse, and it needs a different kind of help.
If you are in danger right now, call 911. If you are afraid of your partner, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org, 24 hours a day. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. You can also visit our Help Now page.
Why we start with safety
Every other page on this site, from check-ins to conflict tips, assumes something basic: that both of you feel safe. Communication skills help when two equals are struggling to understand each other. They do not help, and can make things worse, when one partner is using power over the other.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes relationship abuse as a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner [1]. Its Power and Control Wheel shows how subtle, continual controlling behaviors over time sit alongside physical and sexual violence [2]. That is why this guide puts safety first.
The four parts of the baseline
Safety
You are not afraid of your partner. You do not change what you say or do to avoid their anger. No one hits, shoves, blocks doorways, breaks things, or threatens harm, including threats to harm themselves to control you [3].
Respect
You can disagree and still be treated as an equal. Your partner does not mock, humiliate, or call you names, in private or in public. Your feelings are taken seriously even when your partner sees things differently.
Honesty and trust
You can generally believe what your partner tells you. Privacy is respected: neither of you demands passwords, reads the other's messages, or tracks the other's location without agreement. Domestic violence advocates note that phones and online accounts can be used to monitor and track a partner [4].
Freedom
You each keep your own friends, family ties, interests, and opinions. You both have a say in money. You choose what happens with your body. Saying no does not lead to punishment, sulking for days, or threats.
Healthy, unhealthy, or abusive?
Relationships are not perfect, and most couples have unhealthy moments. The key difference with abuse is a pattern of power and control, where one partner is afraid of the other. Here is a simple comparison. Our article on healthy, unhealthy, or abusive relationships goes deeper.
| Area | Healthy | Unhealthy | Abusive |
|---|---|---|---|
| Disagreements | You argue, then repair and move on | Fights repeat, get personal, or go unresolved | You fear their reaction, or fights include threats or violence |
| Communication | Honest and mostly kind | Frequent criticism, sarcasm, or silent treatment | Constant put-downs, humiliation, or name-calling |
| Time apart | Both keep friends and interests | Some jealousy or guilt about time apart | One partner isolates the other from friends or family |
| Money | Decisions are shared | Money causes stress and fights | One partner controls all money or blocks the other from working |
| Phones and privacy | Privacy is respected | Occasional snooping or insecurity | Monitoring, tracking, or demanding passwords |
| Sex and touch | Both feel free to say yes or no | Pressure or mismatched needs cause tension | Coercion, guilt-tripping, or forced sexual contact |
If most of your answers sit in the first column, you have a solid base to build on. If many sit in the middle column, the tools on this site and a couples therapist can help. If any sit in the last column, please read Is this abuse? and talk to an advocate.
Healthy couples still fight
A healthy relationship is not one without conflict. The Gottman Institute reports that 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems rooted in lasting differences in personality or needs, and that all couples have them [5]. What matters is how you handle them.
Gottman's research highlights four patterns that predict trouble: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling [6]. These are unhealthy, and worth working on. Read our glossary entry on the Four Horsemen to learn what they look like. But these patterns are different from abuse. In an unhealthy relationship, both partners can push back. In an abusive one, one partner is afraid to.
Warning signs of abuse
The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists warning signs that a partner may be abusive [7]. Some common ones include a partner who:
- Tells you that you never do anything right
- Shows extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away
- Keeps you from spending time with friends, family, or peers
- Insults, demeans, or shames you, especially in front of other people
- Stops you from making your own decisions, including about work or school
- Controls household money without discussion, or refuses money for necessities
- Pressures you to have sex or do sexual acts you are not comfortable with
- Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
- Intimidates you with threatening looks or actions, or with weapons
- Insults your parenting or threatens to harm or take away your children or pets
- Destroys your belongings or your home
Abuse can happen to anyone. The Hotline notes that domestic violence affects people of every gender, including men, and offers help confidentially and without judgment [8]. Our article on signs of emotional abuse covers non-physical abuse in more detail.
Why couples work is not the answer to abuse
When there is abuse, couples counseling, couples apps, and communication techniques are not the fix. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. It explains that abuse is not a relationship problem, and that counseling cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of abuse [9]. Sessions can even be used against the person being abused.
This applies to our app too. Stronger Couple is designed for couples where both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, please do not use relationship tools as a way to manage the situation. Talk to an advocate instead.
If you are worried about your relationship
You do not have to be sure it is abuse to reach out. Advocates can help you think it through.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7.
- love is respect (for teens and young adults): call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522 [10].
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org [11].
- Emergency: call 911.
The Hotline can also help you make a safety plan, a personal plan for staying safer whether you stay, are thinking of leaving, or have left [12]. Remember that browser history and phones can be monitored; if that is a concern, use a device your partner cannot access [4].
If your relationship is safe but struggling
If you read this guide and feel reassured that the baseline is there, good. Many couples who feel distant or keep fighting have a solid foundation and need better habits. Good next steps:
- Read our guide to getting help to understand your options.
- Look at 15 signs of a healthy relationship for a picture of what you are working toward.
- Learn about jealousy in relationships if insecurity is part of the picture.
What respect looks like day to day
Respect is easier to recognize in small, ordinary moments than in big statements. Here are examples of what it can look like:
- Listening without interrupting. Your partner lets you finish, even when they disagree.
- Asking, not assuming. "Do you want help, or do you want me to just listen?"
- Taking no for an answer. A no to sex, plans, or spending is accepted without sulking, pressure, or punishment.
- Speaking well of each other. No mocking or put-downs in front of friends, family, or children.
- Supporting each other's goals. Encouraging school, work, friendships, and hobbies, even when they take time away.
- Owning mistakes. "I was wrong about that. I'm sorry." without turning it back on you.
- Sharing decisions. Big choices about money, moves, and children are made together.
And here are some things that are not about respect at all, even when they are described that way: checking your phone "to make sure you're honest," deciding who you can see "because they're a bad influence," or controlling money "because you're bad with it." These are forms of control, even when they are framed as care.
A quick self-check
Take a minute with these questions. They are for reflection, not diagnosis.
- Do I feel safe disagreeing with my partner?
- Can I see friends and family without guilt or punishment?
- Do I have access to money and a say in how it is spent?
- Can I say no to sex without fear of what happens next?
- Do I change what I say or do to avoid my partner's anger?
- Has my partner ever threatened me, my children, my pets, or themselves to get their way?
If you answered "no" to any of the first four, or "yes" to either of the last two, please read Is this abuse? and consider talking with an advocate. You do not need to be certain to call.
When to get professional help
This guide is for education and is not a substitute for professional help. A licensed couples therapist can help if you see ongoing contempt or withdrawal, if there has been an affair, or if addiction, depression, or anxiety is affecting daily life. See our guide to getting help.
If there is any fear of your partner, see a domestic violence advocate rather than a couples therapist, and visit Help Now. If you are having thoughts of self-harm, call or text 988.