Emotional abuse is a pattern of non-physical behaviors that one partner uses to control, isolate or frighten the other. Common signs include constant criticism or name-calling, humiliation, threats, and monitoring your phone or movements. Others are cutting you off from friends, gaslighting, and blaming you for their behavior. It leaves no bruises, but it is real and serious. Confidential help is available 24/7.
If you are in danger right now, call 911. To talk with a trained advocate, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. It is free and confidential. You don't need to be sure it's abuse before you reach out.
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This article is part of our guide to getting help for your relationship.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is non-physical behavior meant to control, isolate or frighten someone. In romantic relationships, the National Domestic Violence Hotline says it can show up as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation and dismissiveness [1].
It helps to understand where emotional abuse fits. The Hotline defines domestic violence as a pattern of behaviors one partner uses to maintain power and control over another in an intimate relationship [2]. That pattern can include physical violence, threats, emotional abuse and financial control, and several forms often happen together [3]. The Hotline is clear that anyone can be a victim of domestic violence [2].
Emotional abuse is very common among people who reach out for help. In the Hotline's 2020 data, 95% of contacts said they were experiencing emotional abuse [1].
Why it's so hard to name
Emotional abuse is often subtle, and it tends to build slowly. A few reasons it can be hard to see:
- It wears down your confidence. Over time, constant put-downs and second-guessing make it harder to trust your own judgment [1].
- You want to believe the best. When you love someone, it's natural to assume you overreacted or misunderstood.
- You may be told you're "too sensitive." An abusive partner may say you're being dramatic, too emotional or can't take a joke [1].
- It may start with things that look like care. Jealousy can feel flattering at first. Intense attention and gifts early on can later be used to manipulate. This is sometimes called love bombing [1].
- You fear you won't be believed. Many survivors hesitate to tell anyone because they worry they won't be taken seriously [1].
Common signs of emotional abuse
Ask yourself whether your partner does any of the following, especially as a pattern. These signs are drawn from the National Domestic Violence Hotline [1] [3].
Put-downs and humiliation
- Calls you names, insults you or constantly criticizes you
- Humiliates you, especially in front of other people
- Criticizes your appearance and tells you what to wear
- Tells you you're lucky to be with them and will never find anyone better
Control and monitoring
- Tries to control your time and your actions
- Wants you to ask permission before you do things or see people
- Monitors your activities, such as checking your phone or demanding to know where you are and who you talk to
- Acts jealous or possessive, refuses to trust you, or constantly accuses you of cheating
Isolation
- Is jealous of time you spend with friends or family
- Discourages or prevents you from seeing other people
Distorting reality (gaslighting)
- Says things didn't happen when you know they did
- Questions your memory, trivializes your feelings or denies things they said or promised
Threats and intimidation
- Threatens to hurt you, your children, your family or your pets
- Damages your belongings, punches walls or kicks doors
- Threatens to break up or divorce you to win an argument
- Threatens suicide during arguments
- Uses threats to get what they want
Blame, guilt and withholding
- Blames you for their abusive behavior
- Punishes you by withholding attention or affection
- Makes you feel guilty or immature for not wanting to have sex
The Hotline notes that even one or two warning signs can be a red flag that abuse may be present [4].
Emotional abuse rarely travels alone
Emotional abuse is often the foundation for other kinds of abuse. These include financial abuse, such as controlling all the money or stopping you from working, and sexual abuse [3]. The Hotline also notes that it is not uncommon for emotional abuse to escalate to physical violence. In some relationships this happens slowly, and in others it happens quickly [1].
Some signs mean your safety may be at immediate risk. These include threats to kill or seriously harm you, threats involving weapons, choking or strangling, or stopping you from contacting emergency services. Call 911 if you are in danger. Contact the Hotline as soon as it is safe to do so.
How is conflict different from abuse?
The difference is power and fear. In ordinary conflict, even heated conflict, both partners have equal footing. Each of you can disagree, say no and walk away without being afraid of what happens next. In abuse, one partner uses behaviors to gain or keep control over the other [2].
| Conflict (healthy or unhealthy) | Emotional abuse | |
|---|---|---|
| Power | Roughly equal; both can push back | One partner controls; the other adjusts to avoid trouble |
| Fear | You may feel frustrated or hurt, but not afraid | You feel afraid, watched or like you're walking on eggshells |
| Pattern | Disagreements about issues, which come and go | A steady pattern of control, put-downs or threats |
| Disagreeing | You can say no without punishment | Saying no leads to anger, threats, silent punishment or guilt |
| Accountability | Both can apologize and repair | The abusive partner blames you for their behavior |
| Outside life | Both keep friends, family and independence | Your contact with others shrinks |
Couples who aren't in an abusive relationship can still behave badly. They may yell, say cruel things or stonewall. That's unhealthy and worth working on. But unhealthy conflict between equals is different from a pattern one partner uses to control the other. For a fuller comparison, read healthy, unhealthy or abusive? You can also see Is this abuse?.
What if I recognize myself in this list?
That takes courage to notice. The Hotline points out that these behaviors can be hard to recognize when you're the one doing them. Acknowledging that you may be hurting your partner is the first step toward change [5]. Signs to look for in yourself include:
- Getting angry or possessive about your partner's friendships
- Checking their phone or messages
- Feeling that your partner needs your permission to go out or work
- Blaming your anger on alcohol or on them
- Struggling to calm down once you're angry
The Hotline takes calls from people questioning unhealthy behaviors on either side of a relationship. You can call 1-800-799-7233 to talk confidentially with an advocate about your own behavior [5]. The responsibility for stopping abusive behavior belongs to the person doing it.
Getting confidential support
You don't have to figure this out alone, and you don't have to decide anything today. An advocate can listen without judgment. They can help you understand what's happening, explore your options and make a safety plan that fits your situation [6].
National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7, free and confidential)
- Call 1-800-799-7233
- Text START to 88788
- Chat at thehotline.org
The Hotline also lists these specialized lines:
- For young people: the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474
- For Deaf and hard-of-hearing callers: The Deaf Hotline video phone, 1-855-812-1001
- For Native Americans and Alaska Natives: StrongHearts Native Helpline, 1-844-762-8483
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you or your partner are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Small, safer steps you can take now
- Tell one trusted person. A friend, family member, doctor or counselor. Saying it out loud can make it clearer and less isolating.
- Write down what happens, if it's safe to. Dates, what was said or done, and how it affected you. Keep the notes somewhere your partner can't find them, or with someone you trust.
- Be careful with technology. Use a device your partner can't access to look for help, and clear your browser history. The Hotline has guidance on internet safety.
- Make a safety plan with an advocate. A plan covers what you'd do in a crisis, who you'd call and where you could go.
- Remember that it is not your fault. Nothing you do causes someone to abuse you. The Hotline is clear that the responsibility for ending abusive behavior is the abusive partner's alone [6].
Why couples work isn't recommended
When emotional abuse is present, couples therapy, couples apps and communication techniques are not the answer. That can be surprising. If the problem is in the relationship, why not work on it together?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains why. It does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. In its words, "Abuse is not a relationship problem." [7] Its reasons:
- Therapy can't fix the power imbalance that is at the core of an abusive relationship.
- What you say can be used against you. An abusive partner may punish you later for something said in a session.
- Safety doesn't follow you home. A therapy room may feel safe, but that safety doesn't necessarily extend to your home.
- The therapist may not know about the abuse. An abusive partner may cast you as the problem, and a therapist who doesn't see the abuse may believe them.
Instead, the Hotline recommends talking with an advocate first [7]. Individual counseling with a therapist who understands domestic violence can also help you heal.
When to get professional help
If anything in this article sounds familiar, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, by texting START to 88788, or by chatting at thehotline.org. You can do this even if you're unsure. If you also feel depressed, anxious or numb, an individual therapist can help you heal. Choose one who understands abuse. Our guide to getting help explains how to find support. Our Help Now page lists every crisis resource in one place. If you're weighing whether to stay, our guide to should I stay or leave? starts with safety.
This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help. If you're unsafe, visit Help Now.