Four Horsemen self-check

This free self-check helps you notice the four conflict patterns John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. You rate 12 statements about yourself, then see which patterns show up most and the antidote for each. It takes about three minutes. It looks only at your side, and it is a reflection, not a diagnosis.

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Start the self-check

Think about disagreements over the past month. For each statement, choose how often it is true for you. Answer about yourself, not your partner. All questions are required.

1.When I am upset, I talk about what is wrong with my partner, not just the problem.
2.I start hard conversations with "you always" or "you never".
3.My complaints come out as attacks on who my partner is.
4.I roll my eyes, mock or use sarcasm when my partner is talking.
5.In arguments, I feel I am better than my partner.
6.I call my partner names or make fun of them when I am angry.
7.When my partner brings up a problem, I explain why it is not my fault.
8.I answer a complaint with a complaint of my own.
9.I find it hard to admit even a small part of a problem.
10.During conflict, I go quiet, look away or leave without saying anything.
11.I feel so flooded in arguments that I shut down.
12.I avoid hard conversations by changing the subject or getting busy.

Safety question

Do you feel afraid of your partner, or has your partner threatened or hurt you?

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The four patterns and their antidotes

The Four Horsemen and their antidotes
PatternWhat it sounds likeAntidote
Criticism"You never help. You are so selfish."Gentle startup: describe the situation, your feeling and your need
ContemptEye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm, name-callingBuild a habit of appreciation and respect
Defensiveness"It is not my fault, you are the one who…"Take responsibility for even a small part
StonewallingGoing silent, looking away, walking outTake a break to calm down, then come back

Gottman’s research found these patterns were linked with more unhappy relationships over time. Read the full explanation in our Four Horsemen entry, or practice a calmer break with the conflict pause timer.

Contempt that is constant, or name-calling meant to frighten or control, can be part of emotional abuse. If that sounds familiar, please look at the resources below.

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Questions

Why does it only ask about me?

Because the part of a conflict you can change is your own. Rating your partner tends to turn into blame.

Does using these patterns mean our relationship is doomed?

No. Almost everyone uses them sometimes. What helps is noticing them and practicing the antidotes. A licensed couples therapist can help if they feel constant.

Want to keep practicing? Conflict resolution in the Stronger Couple app builds on this.