A repair attempt is anything you say or do during or after an argument that stops it from spiraling, like "Can we start over?", "You're right about that part," a shared joke or a gentle touch. Repairs work only when they're received, so noticing and accepting your partner's attempts matters as much as making your own. Couples who repair early and often tend to recover from conflict faster and stay closer.

This article is part of our relationship science guide. For a quick definition, see our glossary entry on repair attempts.

These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, or if "making up" follows a cycle of threats or harm, repair skills aren't the right tool. Please visit Help Now for confidential support.

What is a repair attempt?

A repair attempt is, in John Gottman's words, "any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control." [1] The word "any" matters. A repair can be an apology, a joke, a hand on the arm, a request to slow down, or agreeing with part of what your partner said.

Repair isn't about fixing what's broken. It's about getting back on track before the conversation goes somewhere neither of you wants.

Why repair matters

Every couple says hurtful things sometimes. What seems to separate couples who thrive is how they recover.

  • In a study of 73 married couples, conflict that tilted toward negativity, including more defensiveness, was linked to lower satisfaction and greater risk of separation. [2] Repair is how couples interrupt that tilt.
  • In another study, researchers looked at how couples interacted during a positive conversation held right after a conflict discussion. How warmly couples rebounded was strongly linked to whether they divorced over the next four years, at least as strongly as the conflict conversation itself. [3]
  • A study of 100 couples found that the minutes after a conflict matter on their own. Keeping the negativity going after the conflict, which the researchers called "recovery sabotage," predicted satisfaction and stability a year later, separately from whether the couple had resolved the issue. [4]

These are observational studies with modest samples, so they show links, not guarantees. But the pattern is consistent: the ability to come back to warmth is one of the most protective things a couple can have.

What are some examples of repair attempts?

Repairs come in many forms. The Gottman Institute's repair checklist groups phrases into categories such as "I feel," "Sorry," "Get to yes" and "Stop action," the last being phrases meant to interrupt escalation before someone gets flooded. [1] Here are examples in our own words, using those four categories plus two of our own.

"I feel" repairs: saying what's happening inside

  • "I'm starting to feel defensive."
  • "That hurt my feelings."
  • "I'm getting scared we're not going to work this out."
  • "I'm feeling overwhelmed."

"Sorry" repairs: owning your part

  • "I'm sorry, that came out harsher than I meant."
  • "You're right, I did forget. I'm sorry."
  • "Let me try saying that again, more kindly."
  • "I overreacted. Can I start over?"

"Get to yes" repairs: finding common ground

  • "You've got a point there."
  • "I agree with part of what you're saying."
  • "Let's find something we both agree on."
  • "What do you need from me right now?"

"Stop action" repairs: hitting pause

  • "Can we take a break?"
  • "I need to calm down. Give me 20 minutes."
  • "Let's stop for a minute."
  • "This is getting heated. Can we slow down?"

"I appreciate" repairs: reminding each other you're on the same side

  • "I know you're trying."
  • "I love you, even when we disagree."
  • "We're a team. Let's figure this out together."
  • "Thank you for listening."

Nonverbal repairs

  • A gentle touch on the hand or shoulder
  • A softening of your voice
  • A small smile
  • Sitting down next to your partner instead of across from them
  • An inside joke that makes you both laugh

Humor and affection deserve a special mention. In an observational study of 49 newlywed couples, those who were more playful and enthusiastic in everyday moments, like dinnertime, showed more humor and affection during conflict discussions. [5] Warmth built outside of conflict seems to carry into it.

Why do repair attempts fail?

Repairs fail for a few predictable reasons. Knowing them helps you avoid taking a missed repair personally.

1. One of you is flooded

When your body is in full stress mode, it's hard to even notice a repair, let alone accept it. If you're too flooded to take in a repair, take a break first. Our emotional flooding guide explains how.

2. Negativity has built up

When a relationship has been tense for a long time, partners start hearing neutral or even kind comments as attacks. A repair like "Can we start over?" can sound like "You're being dramatic." The Gottman Institute notes that unhappy couples tend to have fewer positive interactions to offset escalating negativity. [6] Building positivity in daily life, outside of fights, is what makes repairs land.

3. The repair comes with a sting

"Fine, I'm sorry you're so upset" isn't a repair. Neither is a joke at your partner's expense. Sarcasm, blame and eye-rolling turn a repair into another attack.

4. The repair doesn't match what's needed

Sometimes your partner needs an apology and you offer a joke. Or they need a break and you offer to solve the problem. If a repair doesn't land, ask: "What would help right now?"

5. The repair isn't recognized

Some repairs are subtle: a sigh and a softer tone, a change of subject, a small touch. Your partner may not realize you were trying. When in doubt, name it: "I'm trying to make this better."

How do you accept a repair attempt?

Accepting a repair is a skill. It often means choosing to soften even when you're still a bit upset.

  1. Notice it. Look for any sign your partner is trying to de-escalate: an apology, a softer voice, a joke, a reach for your hand.
  2. Take it, even if it's clumsy. A partial or awkward repair is still a repair. "Thanks for saying that" goes a long way.
  3. Soften in return. Lower your voice, relax your posture, acknowledge their point.
  4. Say what you still need. Accepting a repair doesn't mean the issue is closed. "I appreciate that. I'd still like to talk about the bills, more calmly."
  5. Don't punish the attempt. Responses like "Oh, now you're sorry" make your partner less likely to try next time.

A before-and-after example

Without repair:

Alex: "You said you'd call the plumber. Again, it didn't happen." Riley: "I've been slammed at work. You could have called." Alex: "Of course. It's always my job." Riley: "Here we go."

With repair:

Alex: "You said you'd call the plumber. Again, it didn't happen." Riley: "I've been slammed at work. You could have—" (pauses) "Actually, you're right. I said I'd do it, and I didn't. Sorry." Alex: "Thanks. I'm frustrated because the sink's been leaking for a week." Riley: "That's fair. I'll call first thing tomorrow. Can you remind me at breakfast?"

Riley's repair, owning part of the problem, changed the direction of the whole exchange. Alex's acceptance, "Thanks," kept it on track.

How to build a repair habit as a couple

Repair works best when it's planned before you need it.

  • Choose your phrases. Pick three repair phrases you both like and write them down. Our printable repair phrases card can help.
  • Agree on a pause signal. A word or gesture that means "let's stop for 20 minutes." When you return, open with a repair, like apologizing for your part. [7]
  • Practice on small stuff. Use repairs in minor disagreements, like who forgot the milk, so they come naturally in big ones.
  • Debrief later. After a disagreement, ask: "What helped us calm down? What made it worse?"
  • Learn to apologize well. Our guide on how to apologize to your partner covers what makes an apology land.

For the bigger picture on how conflict patterns work, read about the Four Horsemen of relationships.

When to get professional help

If repair attempts are almost always rejected, if conflicts regularly end in days of silence, or if one of you has stopped trying, a licensed couples therapist can help you rebuild the foundation that makes repair possible. This article is for education and isn't a substitute for professional help. Our getting help guide explains how to find one.

Repair is different from a cycle of harm followed by apologies. If your partner hurts, threatens or frightens you and then makes up, that pattern is a warning sign of abuse, not a repair problem. Visit Help Now, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788).