A repair attempt is any word or action that stops a disagreement from spiraling out of control. It can be an apology, a joke, a touch, "Can we try that again?" or simply "You have a point." John Gottman's research treats repair as one of the most important skills in a relationship, because every couple fights, and what matters most is whether they can get back on track.

These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Visit Help Now for confidential support.

Where the idea comes from

Gottman describes a repair attempt as "any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control," as quoted by the Gottman Institute [1]. The Institute adds that in Gottman's research, the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future.

Gottman and Nan Silver cover repair as part of a broader set of principles in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, alongside friendship and managing conflict [2]. The key insight is that success depends on two things: one partner making the repair, and the other being able to receive it.

What repair attempts look like

Repairs come in many flavors:

  • Owning a part. "I was harsh just now. Sorry."
  • Asking for a reset. "Can we start over? I want to hear you."
  • Agreeing with something. "That's fair. I didn't think of it that way."
  • Calming things down. "Let's slow down. This matters to me."
  • Humor. A shared inside joke that breaks the tension, when both of you find it funny.
  • Touch. Reaching for a hand, if that's welcome.
  • Calling a pause. "I'm getting flooded. Twenty minutes, then let's come back."

Some couples even use a signal. The Gottman Institute describes a couple who keeps a yellow flag that either partner can "throw" to stop an argument from escalating [1]. It works because they agreed on the rule ahead of time.

What to do about it

  • Make repairs early. It is easier to steer a small disagreement than a full-blown fight.
  • Accept repairs generously. If your partner tries, even clumsily, meet them halfway: "Okay. Thanks for saying that."
  • Agree on phrases in advance. Pick a few lines you'll both recognize as an olive branch.
  • Watch for flooding. When either of you is overwhelmed, repairs bounce off. A real break helps first.
  • Repair after, too. Talking through a fight once you're calm is also repair.

When to get professional help

If repair attempts are usually rejected, or fights keep ending without resolution, a couples therapist can help. See our guide to getting help. If apologies are followed by the same frightening behavior again and again, that may be a cycle of abuse. Visit Help Now.