Repair phrases are short things you can say in the middle of an argument to stop it from getting worse, such as "I'm sorry, that came out wrong" or "Can we start over?" This card groups original phrases into six types: sharing feelings, apologizing, finding agreement, asking for a break, stopping escalation, and appreciation. Practice them while calm, keep the card handy, and use one when things heat up.

These tips assume both partners feel safe. Repair phrases are for ordinary arguments between equals. They are not a way to manage a partner who frightens, threatens, or controls you. If that is happening, please go to Help Now.

What a repair attempt is

The idea comes from John Gottman's research. The Gottman Institute describes a repair attempt as "any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control" [1]. Gottman and Silver describe making and receiving repair attempts as one of the key skills of couples who do well [2]. The Gottman Institute also notes that when repair attempts consistently fail, it is a sign of an unhappy future [1].

Repair has two halves: making the attempt, and accepting it. A clumsy repair that gets accepted works better than a perfect one that gets ignored. Read more in our glossary entry on repair attempts and the article on how couples recover mid-argument.

The phrases below are our own wording, inspired by Gottman's categories. We are not affiliated with The Gottman Institute.

Time needed

About 15 minutes to read and personalize the card together. Using a phrase takes seconds.

What you need

  • The printable card below
  • A pen to mark favorites and add your own
  • A place to keep it: the fridge, a wallet, or a photo on your phone

Steps

  1. Read the card together while calm. Go through each group and talk about which phrases feel natural and which feel forced.
  2. Mark your favorites. Each partner marks two or three phrases they would like to hear and two or three they could actually say.
  3. Add your own. Write in private jokes, pet names, or gestures that soften things for you two.
  4. Keep it handy. Print it, stick it somewhere visible, or save a photo.
  5. Use one phrase in the moment. When things heat up, pick one phrase and say it as sincerely as you can. One is enough.
  6. Accept repairs too. When your partner offers a repair, even an awkward one, try to take it. A simple "OK, thank you" counts.

The repair phrases card

I feel

  • "I'm starting to feel defensive. Can you say that another way?"
  • "I'm getting overwhelmed and I don't want to say something I'll regret."
  • "That hurt a bit. Can we slow down?"
  • "I feel like I'm not being heard right now."
  • "I'm scared we're drifting into the old fight."

I'm sorry

  • "That came out harsher than I meant. Let me try again."
  • "You're right about that part. I'm sorry."
  • "I can see how what I did upset you."
  • "I own my part in this."
  • "I'm sorry I raised my voice."

Getting to yes

  • "I think we both want the same thing here."
  • "What part of what I'm saying makes sense to you?"
  • "Let's find one small thing we agree on."
  • "Your point about the timing is fair."
  • "Can we try your idea for a week and see how it goes?"

I need to calm down

  • "I need a break. Can we come back to this in 20 minutes?"
  • "I'm not leaving the conversation. I just need to cool off first."
  • "Can we pause and pick this up after dinner?"
  • "Let me take a walk and then I'll be ready to listen."

Stop action

  • "Can we start over?"
  • "We're getting off track. Can we go back to the main thing?"
  • "Time out. I love you and I don't want to fight like this."
  • "Let's stop and each say what we heard so far."

I appreciate

  • "I know this is hard for you too. Thank you for staying in it."
  • "I appreciate you telling me how you feel."
  • "We've gotten through harder things than this."
  • "I love you, even when we disagree."

Debrief questions

  • Which phrase would be easiest for you to say? Which would be hardest?
  • Which phrase would you most like to hear from your partner?
  • How do you usually try to repair now, and does your partner notice?
  • What makes it hard for you to accept a repair when you're upset?
  • What private signals or jokes already work for us?

Printable worksheet

Print this page. Each partner fills in their own section.

My repair plan

  1. Three phrases I can say when we're arguing: Answer: ________________________________________
  2. Three phrases I would like to hear: Answer: ________________________________________
  3. A gesture or private signal that softens things for me: Answer: ________________________________________
  4. What helps me calm down during a break: Answer: ________________________________________

Our own phrases

Practice checklist

Pair this card with our fair fight agreement and learn the signs of emotional flooding.

When to get professional help

If repairs rarely work, if arguments regularly include contempt or name-calling, or if one of you shuts down for hours or days, a licensed couples therapist can help. See our guide to getting help. If you feel afraid of your partner, go to Help Now or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.