A bid for connection is any attempt to get your partner's attention, interest, affection or support. Bids can be words ("Look at that sunset"), questions, touch, a text, a sigh or a funny face. Psychologist John Gottman called the bid the basic unit of emotional connection. How partners respond to these small, everyday reaches, more than to big gestures, helps build the trust and warmth that carry a couple through hard times.

Where the idea comes from

Gottman and Joan DeClaire described the emotional bid as the fundamental unit of connection in their book The Relationship Cure [1]. In Gottman's lab, researchers watched couples go about ordinary activities and recorded how often partners responded to each other's bids.

The Gottman Institute reports that newlywed couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time in the lab, while couples who later divorced had done so only 33% of the time [2]. A separate study of 49 newlywed couples found that playfulness and enthusiasm during an ordinary dinnertime chat was linked to more humor and affection during a later conflict discussion [3]. The authors note that their findings are correlational, so they can't prove that responding to bids causes better conflict.

What bids look like

Bids are often so small they slip past unnoticed:

  • "You won't believe what my coworker said today."
  • Holding up your phone to show a photo.
  • A hand on the shoulder while passing in the kitchen.
  • "Do you want to go for a walk?"
  • A heavy sigh while reading the news.
  • A text with nothing but a song link.

Some bids are hidden. A partner who says "The car is making that noise again" may be asking for help, reassurance or just company in the worry.

What to do about it

  • Notice first. For one day, count how many times your partner reaches toward you. Many couples are surprised by the number.
  • Respond, even briefly. "Huh, that's wild" while making eye contact counts. You don't have to drop everything every time.
  • Make your own bids clear. Instead of hinting, say what you'd like.
  • Repair missed bids. Come back later and pick up the thread.

Responding to a bid is called turning toward. Ignoring it is turning away, and responding with irritation is turning against.

When to get professional help

If bids go unanswered for long stretches and you feel lonely in your relationship, a couples therapist can help you rebuild connection. Our guide to getting help is a good starting point. If you feel unsafe reaching out to your partner at all, visit Help Now.