Relationship glossary

Plain-language definitions of relationship ideas from research, like the Four Horsemen, bids for connection, repair attempts and attachment styles.

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The 5:1 ratio (magic ratio): The 5:1 ratio is Gottman's finding that stable couples show about five positive moments for every negative one during conflict. Here's what it means.

Adult attachment styles: Attachment styles describe patterns in how adults seek closeness and handle distance in relationships. Learn the research and why styles can change.
Anxious attachment: Anxious attachment is a pattern of worrying about a partner's love and needing reassurance. Learn the research, everyday signs, and what helps.
Avoidant attachment: Avoidant attachment is a pattern of discomfort with closeness and depending on others. Learn the research, everyday signs, and how couples work with it.

Bids for connection: A bid for connection is any attempt to get your partner's attention, interest or support. Learn how small bids work and why responding to them matters.

Capitalization (active-constructive responding): Capitalization is sharing good news with a partner. Responding with active, constructive enthusiasm is linked to more intimacy and satisfaction.
Contempt: Contempt is treating your partner as beneath you through mockery, sarcasm or disgust. Why it matters most of the Four Horsemen, and what helps.
Criticism (vs complaint): Criticism attacks your partner's character; a complaint addresses one behavior. Learn the difference and how to raise issues without blame.

Defensiveness: Defensiveness is protecting yourself from a complaint by counterattacking, making excuses or playing the victim. Learn the antidote: taking responsibility.

Flooding (diffuse physiological arousal): Emotional flooding is feeling so physically overwhelmed in conflict that you can't think clearly. Learn the signs and how a 20-minute break helps.
The Four Horsemen: The Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling: four conflict habits Gottman's research linked to unhappy relationships.

Love languages: Love languages are the idea that people prefer to give and receive love in different ways. Learn where the idea came from and what research says.
Love maps: A love map is what you know of your partner's inner world: worries, hopes, history and daily life. Learn where the idea comes from and how to update it.

Mental load (cognitive labor): The mental load is the invisible work of anticipating, planning, deciding, and keeping track of household needs. Learn the research and how to share it.

Perpetual vs solvable problems: Perpetual problems are lasting disagreements rooted in personality or lifestyle differences. Gottman reports 69% of conflict is perpetual. How to cope.
Pursue-withdraw (demand-withdraw) cycle: The pursue-withdraw cycle is a pattern where one partner pushes for engagement and the other pulls away, each fueling the other. How to break it.

Repair attempts: A repair attempt is any word or action that stops a fight from escalating, from a joke to an apology. See examples and how to accept them.
Responsiveness (A.R.E.): Emotional responsiveness means noticing, understanding, and caring about a partner's feelings and needs. Learn the research and A.R.E. in daily life.

Secure attachment: Secure attachment means feeling comfortable with closeness and confident your partner will be there. Learn what it looks like and how couples build it.
Self-expansion: Self-expansion is the idea that relationships thrive when partners grow and try new things together. Learn the research on novelty and couples.
Soft (gentle) startup: A soft startup raises a concern gently, with a feeling, a specific situation and a positive need. Learn the formula and why first minutes matter.
State of the Union meeting: A State of the Union meeting is a regular, structured check-in where partners share appreciations, talk through one issue, and ask what each needs.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling is shutting down and withdrawing during conflict, often because you feel flooded. Learn the signs and how to take a real break instead.

Turning toward / away / against: Turning toward means responding to your partner's bids for attention. Learn the three response types from Gottman's research, with everyday examples.