Turning toward is responding with interest when your partner reaches for your attention. Psychologist John Gottman describes three ways people respond to a partner's bid for connection: turning toward (engaging), turning away (ignoring or missing it) and turning against (responding with irritation or hostility). These tiny moments happen dozens of times a day, and over time the pattern shapes how close and trusted partners feel.
Where the idea comes from
Gottman and Joan DeClaire laid out the three responses in The Relationship Cure, building on observations of couples in everyday settings [1]. The Gottman Institute reports that in a study of newlyweds, couples who were still married at the six-year follow-up had turned toward each other 86% of the time, while couples who divorced averaged only 33% [2].
Related research with 49 newlywed couples found that warmth and playfulness in a casual dinnertime conversation went along with more humor and affection during a conflict discussion [3]. Those studies observed newlyweds and were correlational, but they support the idea that small daily moments build a cushion for harder ones.
What it looks like
Imagine one partner says, "I think I'm going to try running again."
| Response | Example |
|---|---|
| Turning toward | "Oh nice, what made you want to start again?" |
| Turning away | Silence while scrolling, or "Did you pay the electric bill?" |
| Turning against | "You say that every year." |
Turning toward doesn't need to be enthusiastic every time. A nod, "mm-hm, tell me more" or a squeeze of the hand can be enough. Turning away is often not deliberate. Phones, kids, work and exhaustion pull attention elsewhere. Turning against usually comes from built-up resentment, and it tends to stop future bids altogether.
What to do about it
- Do a quick audit. Ask yourself honestly, as the Gottman Institute suggests, whether you're closer to 33% or 86%.
- Create bid-friendly moments. A phone-free dinner or a ten-minute check-in after work gives bids a place to land.
- Use a "pause" response. "I'm in the middle of something. Can I hear about it in ten?" is still turning toward.
- Notice your own bids. If yours are often missed, try making them clearer and more direct.
- Talk about it without blame. "I've noticed we both miss each other's little moments lately. Want to try paying more attention this week?"
A weekly check-in is a natural time to talk about how connected you've each felt.
Related terms
- Start with what a bid for connection is.
- Read why small moments matter in turning toward vs. turning away.
- Turning toward is one part of emotional responsiveness.
- If you feel distant, see how to reconnect when you feel disconnected.
When to get professional help
If one of you feels ignored or rejected most of the time, or attempts to connect regularly meet hostility, a couples therapist can help. Our guide to getting help explains where to start. If reaching out to your partner feels unsafe, visit Help Now.