Contempt is treating your partner as if they are beneath you. It shows up as mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, sneering or eye-rolling, and it sends a message of disgust rather than disagreement. Of John Gottman's Four Horsemen, contempt is the one the Gottman Institute calls the single greatest predictor of divorce. It is also one couples can work on, starting with how they think about each other.

These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Visit Help Now for confidential support.

Where the idea comes from

Gottman's research on couples found that criticism attacks what a partner does, while contempt attacks who they are from a position of superiority. The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce [1].

The Institute also reports that unhappy couples in its research showed roughly one positive interaction for every negative one during conflict, while happy couples kept about five positive interactions for every negative one [2]. Contempt tips that balance quickly. These findings come from studies of particular couples, so treat them as strong patterns rather than guarantees.

What contempt looks like

Contempt can be loud or quiet:

  • Mockery. Repeating your partner's words in a whiny voice.
  • Sarcasm used as a weapon. "Oh, great job. Really impressive."
  • Body language. Eye-rolling, sneering, a disgusted sigh.
  • Name-calling and insults. Even "joking" ones.
  • Moral superiority. "I would never do something that thoughtless."

A couple arguing about money might start with a complaint about a purchase. Contempt enters when one partner says, with a laugh, "Of course you bought it. You can't be trusted with a credit card." The topic is money. The message is "you are less than me."

What to do about it

The Gottman Institute's antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect [3]. In practice:

  • Catch the thought before the words. Contempt grows from long-running negative thoughts about a partner. When you notice "they're so useless," look for one thing they did well today.
  • Say appreciation out loud. Small, specific thanks ("Thanks for picking up my prescription") count more than grand gestures.
  • Name the need under the scorn. Contempt often hides an unmet need. Say the need directly.
  • Repair fast. "That was mean. I'm sorry. Let me try again."

When to get professional help

Steady contempt is one of the clearest reasons to see a couples therapist. Our guide to getting help can help you start. If put-downs come with threats, control, isolation or fear, that may be abuse. Go to Help Now or read how to tell healthy, unhealthy and abusive apart.