Contempt in a relationship means treating your partner as if they're beneath you: eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm, name-calling or open disgust. It's the most damaging of the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict, and the Gottman Institute calls it the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research. The antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect: deliberately noticing what your partner does well and saying it out loud.
These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to Help Now.
This article is part of our communication and conflict guide. It explains how to recognize contempt, why it does so much harm, how to replace it, and when it crosses into abuse.
What does contempt look like?
Contempt is treating a partner with disrespect from a position of moral superiority. The Gottman Institute lists mockery, sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, eye-rolling and scoffing as common forms, and notes that it makes the target feel worthless [1].
Verbal signs
- Sarcasm: "Oh, wow, you remembered to buy milk. Should we throw a parade?"
- Name-calling: "idiot," "pathetic," "useless"
- Mocking imitation of your partner's voice or words
- Put-down humor, especially in front of others
- Correcting their grammar or facts to make them look foolish
- "You're unbelievable" or "What is wrong with you?"
Nonverbal signs
- Eye-rolling
- Sneering or a curled lip
- A sharp, dismissive laugh
- Heavy sighs while your partner is talking
- Turning away with a look of disgust
Contempt vs criticism
| Criticism | Contempt | |
|---|---|---|
| Message | "You did something wrong because of who you are." | "You are beneath me." |
| Example | "You're so forgetful. You never remember anything." | "Of course you forgot. You can't handle the simplest thing." (with an eye-roll) |
| Emotion underneath | Frustration, hurt | Disgust, superiority |
Criticism and contempt often travel together. Unchecked criticism can harden into contempt over time [1].
Why is contempt so damaging?
It attacks the person, not the problem
A complaint invites a solution. Contempt invites nothing but shame and defensiveness. It's very hard to cooperate with someone who has just signaled that they think less of you.
It predicts relationships ending
The Gottman Institute describes contempt as "the single greatest predictor of divorce" in its research [1]. In Gottman's four-year study of 73 couples, the unstable couples were marked by hostility, while stable couples could be calm, passionate or avoidant, as long as negativity didn't dominate [2]. The Gottman Institute summarizes the healthy balance as about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict [3]. Contempt tips that balance hard, because a single sneer can outweigh several kind words.
These findings come from relatively small, mostly married, heterosexual US samples. But therapists across many approaches recognize contempt as especially corrosive.
It may affect health
The Gottman Institute reports that contemptuous couples in its research were more likely to get infectious illnesses [1]. Separately, in a hospital study, couples who were consistently hostile toward each other healed from small wounds at about 60% of the rate of low-hostility couples [4]. That study measured hostility in general, not contempt specifically, but it suggests that how partners treat each other can have physical effects.
Where contempt comes from
Contempt rarely appears out of nowhere. It usually builds from:
- Resentment over unresolved hurts or unequal effort
- Long periods of feeling unheard
- Seeing your partner's differences as character flaws
- Stress and exhaustion that leave little room for generosity
- Patterns learned in your family growing up
Understanding the source doesn't excuse contempt, but it points to what needs attention. If resentment is the root, read resentment in a relationship.
How do you build a culture of appreciation?
The Gottman Institute's antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect: regularly expressing appreciation, gratitude, affection and respect, in "small things often" [5].
Why appreciation works
Contempt is fed by a habit of scanning for what your partner does wrong. Appreciation retrains your attention to notice what they do right. There's research support for the idea that expressing appreciation changes how people see their relationships:
- It changes the giver. In studies by Nathaniel Lambert and colleagues, expressing gratitude to a partner increased the expresser's sense of how strong and caring the relationship was, more than just thinking grateful thoughts [6].
- It changes the receiver. In a lab study by Sara Algoe and colleagues, when one partner expressed gratitude, the receiver's sense that the expresser was responsive predicted improved relationship quality six months later [7].
- It feeds a cycle. Research by Amie Gordon and colleagues found that people who felt appreciated by their partners were more appreciative in return, and more appreciative partners were more responsive and more committed [8].
How to practise it
- Notice one thing a day. Each day, notice one specific thing your partner did that you appreciated, however small.
- Say it specifically. "Thanks for making coffee before I woke up. It made my morning easier" lands better than "Thanks for everything."
- Appreciate character, not just tasks. "I love how patient you were with your dad today."
- Remember the good past. Talk about how you met, a trip you loved, a hard time you got through together.
- Catch the contemptuous thought. When you notice "They're so useless," replace it with something true and fairer: "They're overwhelmed at work right now."
- Complain without contempt. When something bothers you, use a soft startup instead of sarcasm.
For dozens of specific ideas, read how to show appreciation to your partner.
If you've been the one showing contempt
Owning it is a powerful first step. Try: "I've noticed I've been really sarcastic with you lately, and rolling my eyes. That's not fair to you. I'm going to work on it, and I'd like you to tell me when I slip." Then apologize specifically for recent instances. Our guide on defensiveness can help you stay open when your partner responds.
If your partner shows contempt toward you
Being on the receiving end of contempt hurts, and it's tempting to fire back with your own. That usually deepens the cycle. Instead, in a calm moment, name the specific behavior and its effect: "When you rolled your eyes while I was talking about my job, I felt small. I'd like us both to drop the sarcasm when we disagree." Keep it about the behavior, not about your partner's character.
If your partner can hear that and makes an effort, notice and thank them. If they mock you for raising it, or the contempt escalates, take that seriously. See the next section.
A two-week reset
Some couples find it helpful to agree on a short, shared experiment:
- Week 1: No sarcasm or eye-rolling, by agreement. Each of you can flag a slip with a gentle, agreed word. The person flagged simply says, "Let me try that again."
- Week 2: Add three specific appreciations each per day, said out loud or written in a note.
- At the end: Talk for 15 minutes about what changed, what was hard, and what you want to keep.
Two weeks won't undo years of resentment. But it can show you both that a different climate is possible, and give you something to build on.
When does contempt become abuse?
Occasional contempt in a heated moment is damaging but common. It becomes something more serious when it is sustained, one-sided and used to belittle, humiliate or control.
Signs that contempt may be part of emotional abuse:
- Constant put-downs, especially in front of others
- Being told you're stupid, worthless or crazy
- Mockery of your appearance, intelligence, family or background
- Contempt alongside control of money, phone, friends or movements
- Feeling afraid of your partner's reactions
- Being blamed for your partner's contempt ("You make me act like this")
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention includes psychological aggression meant to harm a partner mentally or emotionally, or to control them, in its definition of intimate partner violence [9]. If this sounds familiar, building appreciation is not the answer, and couples counseling is generally not recommended. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains why [10].
You can call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. In an emergency, call 911. Read more about the signs of emotional abuse.
When to get professional help
Contempt that has become a habit is hard to change alone. Consider a licensed couples therapist if you notice:
- Ongoing contempt or withdrawal
- An affair or another serious breach of trust
- Addiction affecting the relationship
- Depression or anxiety affecting daily life for either of you
- Any fear of your partner (go to Help Now instead)
- Thoughts of self-harm (call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org)
A research review found couple therapy helps about 70% of couples who receive it [11]. See our getting help guide and how to find a good couples therapist. This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.