Getting through hard times as a couple means facing the problem together instead of facing each other as enemies. That usually looks like slowing down, naming what happened honestly, protecting small moments of connection, and getting outside help early when the hurt is big. It also means checking one thing first: hard times are survivable, but fear of your partner is a safety issue, not a relationship rough patch.
This guide covers the hardest seasons couples go through: broken trust, affairs, jealousy, outside stress, money and chore fights, anxiety, desire differences, in-law tension and a partner's depression. Each section gives you the core idea, what research suggests, and a next step, with links to deeper articles.
These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Go to Help Now instead.
First: is this a hard time or something unsafe?
A hard time is painful but mutual: you both still have a voice, and nobody is being controlled or frightened. Abuse is different. It is a pattern where one partner tries to gain power and control over the other [1].
Use this table to get your bearings. It is a guide for reflection, not a diagnosis.
| Situation | What it often looks like | Where to start |
|---|---|---|
| A hard time | Stress, hurt, distance or repeated fights, but both partners can speak up and say no without fear | This guide, a weekly check-in, and a couples therapist if you feel stuck |
| An unhealthy pattern | Frequent contempt, silent treatment, keeping score, poor repair after fights | Couples therapy is often helpful if both feel safe |
| Warning signs of abuse | Extreme jealousy, isolating you from friends or family, controlling money, insults, threats, intimidation, pressure for sex | Confidential help from a domestic violence advocate, not couples work |
The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists warning signs including extreme jealousy of your friends or time away, preventing you from seeing others, controlling finances without discussion, and intimidating you with looks, actions or weapons [1]. The Hotline also says it does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner, because therapy cannot fix the unequal power at the heart of abuse, and what is said in a session can be used against the person being abused later [2].
If any of that sounds familiar, you can talk to an advocate confidentially. Call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org (external site). If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Our guide to healthy, unhealthy and abusive behaviors goes deeper.
Everything below is written for couples where both people feel safe.
How trust breaks, and how it comes back
Trust breaks when one partner learns that what they relied on was not true. That can be a big betrayal like an affair, or a slower wearing-down: hidden spending, broken promises, lies about small things.
Trust comes back through behavior. A Gottman Institute article summarizing John Gottman's work in The Science of Trust puts it simply: restoring trust is an action rather than a belief, and it rests more on what a partner does than what they say [3].
In practice, rebuilding trust usually asks three things of each partner.
The partner who broke trust:
- Stops the behavior completely and ends any ongoing secret contact.
- Tells the truth, including the parts that are embarrassing.
- Answers questions patiently, even repeated ones.
- Offers transparency before being asked.
- Stays consistent for months, not days.
The hurt partner:
- Names the impact honestly, using "I" statements where possible.
- Asks for what would help them feel safer.
- Notices and acknowledges real change, even while still hurting.
- Gets their own support from friends, a therapist or both.
Together, both partners:
- Agree on what "transparency" means in concrete terms.
- Set a regular time to talk about the injury, so it does not take over every conversation.
- Rebuild ordinary connection alongside the hard talks.
Our full article on how to rebuild trust in a relationship walks through each step with scripts and a realistic sense of timing.
A simple trust-repair script
When the hurt partner raises the injury again, the partner who broke trust can try:
"I can see this is hitting you hard again. That makes sense. I did this, and I'm not going to rush you. What are you feeling right now, and what would help tonight?"
Notice what it does: it takes responsibility, validates, and asks a question. It does not defend, explain, or ask "aren't we past this yet?"
Affairs: what recovery can look like
An affair is one of the most painful things couples face, and one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. The research is limited but cautiously hopeful.
In one exploratory study inside a larger randomized trial of couple therapy, couples dealing with infidelity started treatment more distressed than other couples. Couples whose affair was revealed before or during therapy improved in satisfaction at least as much as couples without infidelity. The infidelity group was small (19 couples), so treat this as a hopeful signal, not a promise [4].
A larger community study in Germany and Austria compared 145 couples who named infidelity as a problem with 385 couples in therapy for other reasons. The affair couples were more distressed and had more depressive symptoms at the start, kept improving through therapy, and six months later were not statistically different from the other couples [5].
What these studies share is that couples did their work with a therapist. Affair recovery is very hard to do alone, because both partners are often flooded with emotion and the conversations can spin out quickly.
Common phases people describe:
- Crisis. Shock, sleeplessness, intrusive images, strong swings between rage and closeness.
- Understanding. Slowly learning what happened and what made the relationship vulnerable, without blaming the hurt partner.
- Rebuilding. New agreements, new rituals, and a decision about the future.
Read our full guide to recovering from infidelity, and our article on emotional affairs if the betrayal was emotional rather than physical.
Jealousy: a feeling, not permission to control
Jealousy is a normal human emotion. It is a signal that something you value feels threatened. Feeling jealous does not make you a bad partner, and it does not mean your relationship is broken.
The line is crossed when jealousy turns into control. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away, and preventing you from seeing friends or family, among the warning signs of abuse [1].
| Healthy jealousy | Controlling jealousy |
|---|---|
| "I felt uneasy when you texted your ex. Can we talk about it?" | Demanding passwords, checking your phone, tracking your location |
| Asking for reassurance, then accepting it | Accusations that do not stop no matter what you say |
| Talking about boundaries you both agree on | Rules about who you can see, what you wear or where you go |
| The jealous partner owns the feeling | The jealous partner blames you and punishes you |
If you recognize the right-hand column in your partner, please read Help Now. If you recognize it in yourself, that matters too, and an individual therapist can help. Our article on jealousy in relationships covers where jealousy comes from and how to talk about it.
When outside stress comes home
Stress from work, money, health or caregiving does not stay outside the front door. A review of stress research describes it as a real threat to relationship satisfaction and stability [6].
One study of newlyweds found that on days when people were under more outside stress, their overall feelings about the relationship swung more with each small positive or negative moment with their partner [7]. In plain terms: stress makes small things feel bigger.
The good news is that coping as a team helps. A meta-analysis of 72 samples and more than 17,000 participants found a strong link between dyadic coping (the ways partners help each other handle stress) and relationship satisfaction. Supportive coping and coping together mattered more than simply telling your partner you were stressed [8].
Try this tonight:
- Ask, "What was the hardest part of your day?"
- Listen for five minutes without fixing anything.
- Take their side against the stressor, not against them: "That sounds unfair. No wonder you're wiped out."
- Ask, "Do you want help solving it, or do you just need me to listen?"
Learn more in how stress affects relationships, and try the daily stress-reducing conversation.
Money fights and chore fights
Money and household work are two of the most common sources of ongoing friction. They are rarely just about dollars or dishes. They are about fairness, security, freedom and feeling respected.
Money
A diary study of 100 married couples found that money was not the most frequent topic of conflict at home. But money fights were more pervasive, more problematic and more likely to repeat and go unresolved than other conflicts, even though couples tried harder to problem-solve them [9].
That pattern suggests money fights are often about deeper values, such as safety versus enjoying life now. Our article on how to stop fighting about money helps you find the values underneath, and setting financial goals as a couple gives you a calm process for planning.
Financial control is different. Controlling all the money without discussion, taking a partner's money or refusing money for necessary expenses is listed by the Hotline as a warning sign of abuse [1].
Chores and the mental load
The mental load is the invisible work of running a household: noticing, remembering, planning and coordinating. A systematic review of 31 studies found that women generally do more of this mental labor, especially around children, and experience more stress and lower relationship satisfaction as a result. Most studies were of middle-class US and European couples, so the picture may differ elsewhere [10].
The first step is making the invisible visible. Write down every recurring task, including the thinking parts ("noticing we're low on diapers"), and divide whole tasks, not just the doing. See fighting about chores for a full method.
Anxiety, desire and in-laws
Relationship anxiety
Relationship anxiety is persistent worry that your relationship will end or that your partner does not really love you. It often shows up as repeated reassurance-seeking, staying quiet to avoid conflict, and partners bending over backwards to calm the worry.
In a small study of 21 couples, a single educational session that addressed these patterns reduced reassurance-seeking and self-silencing in anxious partners and reduced unhelpful accommodation by their partners [11]. It is an early finding, but it points to something useful: anxiety is a pattern couples can work on together. Read more in relationship anxiety.
Different levels of desire
Differences in sexual desire are among the main reasons couples seek therapy [12]. In a mixed-methods study of 229 people in long-term relationships, strategies partners did together, such as talking or finding other ways to be close, were linked with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction than strategies people did alone [12].
Desire differences are a shared puzzle, not one person's flaw. Our article on mismatched libidos has scripts for raising the topic without blame. Sex should always be freely chosen. Pressure to have sex you don't want is a warning sign of abuse [1].
In-laws
In a study that followed 355 married couples for 16 years, spouses often saw their in-law relationships differently early in marriage. Disagreement about how close the husband was to the wife's family predicted later divorce, even after accounting for the actual relationships [13]. The takeaway is less about in-laws themselves and more about being on the same page as a couple. See setting boundaries with in-laws.
When your partner is struggling with depression
Depression is a real illness, not a mood your partner can snap out of. The National Institute of Mental Health lists signs including a persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood, loss of interest in activities, fatigue, sleep changes, irritability, withdrawal, and thoughts of death or suicide [14].
Relationships and depression affect each other. A major review concluded that the evidence supports relationship distress as a causal risk factor for depression [15]. That means caring for the relationship and caring for mental health go hand in hand.
If your partner is depressed:
- Say what you see, gently: "You've seemed really low for a few weeks. I'm worried about you."
- Encourage a visit to a doctor or mental health professional, and offer practical help booking it.
- Keep some normal connection, like a short walk or a show together, without pressure.
- Look after yourself too. Supporting someone with depression is tiring.
If your partner talks about wanting to die or you are worried about their safety, call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org (external site). In an emergency, call 911. Our article on when your partner is depressed covers this in depth.
What helps across every hard season
Different problems need different tools, but a few habits help almost every couple through a rough patch.
Separate the problem from the person
Say "we are struggling with money" rather than "you are terrible with money." Couples do better when the problem sits between them, and they both look at it, than when one partner becomes the problem.
Schedule the hard talks
Hard topics take over a relationship when they can come up at any moment. A set time, such as a weekly check-in, gives the topic a container. It also frees the rest of the week for some ease. Our weekly check-in guide shows a simple format.
Keep some good moments going
Even in a crisis, small positive moments matter: a cup of coffee brought without asking, a hand on the shoulder, a genuine thank-you. They do not erase the hurt. They remind you both that there is still a "we" worth fighting for. See appreciation and connection for ideas.
Learn to pause
When either of you feels flooded, with a racing heart and a mind that won't slow down, take a break of at least 20 minutes and come back. Our conflict pause timer can help you time it.
Tell the truth about what you need
Hard seasons tempt people to go quiet to keep the peace. Over time, unspoken needs become resentment. Say the need kindly and clearly: "I need us to talk about the money once a week, not every night."
Your pillar reading list
Every article in this pillar, in one place:
- How to rebuild trust in a relationship
- Recovering from infidelity: what couples should know
- Emotional affairs: signs, causes and next steps
- Jealousy in relationships: where it comes from
- How stress affects relationships (and how to cope)
- How to stop fighting about money
- Fighting about chores? Fixing the mental load
- Relationship anxiety: signs, causes and what helps
- Mismatched libidos: handling desire differences
- Setting boundaries with in-laws as a couple
- When your partner is depressed: how to help and cope
When to get professional help
This guide is for education and is not a substitute for professional help. If you're struggling, a licensed couples therapist can help. Reach out for professional support if any of these are true:
- Contempt, withdrawal or the silent treatment have become the norm.
- There has been an affair or another serious betrayal.
- Either of you is struggling with addiction.
- Depression or anxiety is affecting daily life.
- You have thoughts of harming yourself. Call or text 988.
- You feel any fear of your partner. Go to Help Now or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
For relationship injuries where both partners feel safe, start with our guide to getting help and how to find a good couples therapist. If one partner won't go, read what to do when your partner won't go to therapy. Individual therapy can still help you, whatever your partner decides.