Falling out of love is common in long relationships, and it is often less final than it feels. The early rush of new love almost always fades, but research suggests a calmer kind of romantic love, with real attraction and engagement, can last for decades. Feelings tend to follow actions. Many couples find that love comes back when they rebuild daily connection, repair old hurts and try new things together.
These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to Help Now.
This article is part of our guide to struggling relationships. If you are reading this because you feel numb toward your partner, or because your partner told you they are not sure they love you anymore, you are not alone, and it is not hopeless.
How love changes over time
Most people expect love to feel the way it did at the start: the racing heart, the constant texting, the feeling of not being able to get enough of each other. When that changes, it can feel like love has gone. Often, love has changed shape.
Researchers distinguish between a few kinds of love:
| Type | What it feels like | How it tends to change |
|---|---|---|
| Passionate (obsessive) love | Intense longing, plus uncertainty and anxiety | Usually fades as the relationship becomes secure |
| Romantic love | Intensity, engagement and sexual attraction, without the anxious obsession | Can last in long relationships for some couples |
| Companionate love | Friendship, warmth, comfort and trust | Often grows with time |
In a review of 25 studies including 6,070 people, Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron found that romantic love, meaning intensity and attraction without obsession, was linked to higher satisfaction in both short- and long-term relationships. Companionate love was only moderately linked to satisfaction, and the anxious, obsessive kind of love was linked to satisfaction more in short-term relationships than long ones [1].
That matters because it means:
- Losing the anxious, can't-eat-can't-sleep feeling is normal and even healthy.
- Settling into pure "roommates who get along" is not the only option either.
- A warm, engaged, attracted kind of love is possible in a long relationship.
A small brain-imaging study adds to this picture. Researchers scanned 17 people who had been married an average of 21 years and who said they were still intensely in love. When they looked at photos of their partner, their brains showed activity in reward areas similar to people in new love, along with areas linked to attachment and bonding [2]. The authors note this is true "for some individuals," and the sample was small and self-selected, but it shows long-term romantic love is not a myth.
Why the spark fades
Feelings rarely disappear for no reason. Common causes include:
Routine and boredom. Doing the same things in the same way can flatten feelings. In a series of studies, couples who reported more shared exciting activities were more satisfied, partly because they were less bored. In lab experiments, couples who did a novel, mildly challenging task together felt better about their relationship afterward than couples who did something routine [3].
Stress and big transitions. A new baby, a demanding job, illness or caregiving leaves little energy for each other. In one study of 218 couples, relationship quality dropped suddenly after the first child was born, for both parents [4].
Missed connection. When small attempts to connect, which researchers call bids for connection, go unanswered for months, warmth drains out. The Gottman Institute reports that in one study, newlyweds who stayed together turned toward each other's bids far more often than those who later divorced [5].
Unresolved hurt and resentment. It is hard to feel love for someone you are quietly angry with. Old fights that never got repaired can sit between you like a wall. See resentment in a relationship.
Contempt. When eye-rolling, mockery or a sense of superiority creeps in, love is hard to sustain. The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research [6].
Not really knowing each other anymore. People change. If you stop updating what you know about your partner's worries, hopes and inner life, you can end up loving someone who no longer quite exists. The Gottman Institute calls this knowledge love maps and says couples with detailed love maps keep updating them as life changes [7].
Something going on inside you. Depression, burnout, grief and anxiety can make everything feel flat, including your relationship. If you feel numb about many things, not just your partner, that is worth exploring with a doctor or therapist before drawing conclusions about the relationship.
Can feelings come back?
Often, yes. Not always, and not on a schedule, but many couples do find their way back to warmth and attraction.
A helpful idea: feelings tend to follow actions more than the other way around. Waiting to feel in love before acting loving can keep you stuck. Acting with care, curiosity and appreciation often brings the feelings back, gradually.
Some evidence points in this direction:
- Everyday gratitude seems to give relationships a short-term lift. In a study that tracked 65 couples day to day, feeling grateful toward a partner went along with higher satisfaction and connection, with effects still visible the next day [8].
- Celebrating each other's good news matters. Across four studies, people whose partners responded to their good news with enthusiasm reported more intimacy and satisfaction [9].
- Shared novelty helps. Trying new and mildly challenging activities together improved how couples felt about their relationship in lab experiments [3].
There are also situations where feelings may not return, or should not be forced:
- There is abuse, control or fear.
- One partner has ongoing contempt and no interest in changing.
- You have both honestly tried, with help, and still feel the relationship is not right.
If you are in that place, our guide to should I stay or leave may help.
What to try first
Here is a practical starting plan. Do it for six to eight weeks before judging the results.
1. Separate "no spark" from "no love"
Ask yourself honestly:
- Do I still respect my partner?
- Do I want good things for them?
- When life is calm, do moments of warmth still happen?
- Am I numb only toward my partner, or toward most things in my life?
If you still respect and care about your partner, you are likely dealing with a faded spark, not an empty relationship.
2. Turn toward small moments
For one week, catch three of your partner's bids each day and respond warmly. Make two bids of your own. A comment, a question, a touch on the arm. Small and often beats big and rare.
3. Say what you appreciate, specifically
Each day, name one thing your partner did and why it mattered: "Thanks for taking the car in. It saved me a stressful morning." Specific appreciation helps you notice the good, which is part of how feelings return.
4. Do something new together every week
Novelty does not need to be expensive. Ideas:
- Cook a dish from a cuisine neither of you has tried.
- Take a free class or workshop together.
- Explore a neighborhood, trail or museum you have never visited.
- Learn a few steps of a dance from a video in the living room.
- Play a two-player game you have never played.
For more, see novel experiences for couples and our at-home date night ideas, or try the date night generator.
5. Get curious about who your partner is now
Ask questions you have not asked in years:
- What's something you've been thinking about a lot lately?
- What's a dream you've let go of that you sometimes miss?
- What part of your life feels most stressful right now?
- What's something you're proud of this year that I might not know about?
- When have you felt most like yourself recently?
Our list of deep questions to ask your partner has many more.
6. Deal with the hurt underneath
If resentment is part of the picture, appreciation and date nights will only go so far. Pick one old hurt and talk about it gently, using a soft startup: "I've been carrying something from last year, and I think it's been making me pull away. Can I tell you about it?"
7. Talk about it honestly, without a verdict
If you are the one who feels less in love, consider telling your partner in a way that invites teamwork rather than a crisis:
- Instead of: "I don't think I love you anymore."
- Try: "I've been feeling far away from you, and it scares me. I don't want to stay this way. Can we try to get closer again, maybe with some help?"
If your partner is the one who said it, try to stay curious rather than defensive: "That's really hard to hear. Can you tell me what's changed for you? I want to understand."
When to get professional help
A couples therapist can help you understand what is behind the faded feelings and practice reconnecting with guidance. Consider professional help if you notice:
- Ongoing contempt, or one of you withdrawing for weeks at a time.
- An affair or another serious breach of trust.
- Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or anything else.
- Depression or anxiety affecting daily life. Numbness toward your partner can be a symptom.
- Any fear of your partner. Contact a domestic violence advocate first, not a couples therapist.
- Thoughts of self-harm. Call or text 988.
Our getting help guide explains the options, and how to find a good couples therapist covers what to look for. If you are unsafe, go to Help Now.
This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.