Turning toward means responding to your partner's small bids for attention with interest or warmth. Turning away means missing or ignoring those bids, usually by accident. Turning against means responding with irritation or hostility. These tiny moments happen many times a day, and research from the Gottman Institute suggests the overall pattern is linked to whether couples stay together. The good news: turning toward usually takes only a few seconds.
This article is part of our guide to appreciation and connection. If you're new to the idea of bids, start with bids for connection.
The three responses
A bid is any attempt to connect: a comment, a question, a joke, a sigh, a touch. When one comes in, your response falls into one of three types. Our glossary entry on turning toward has a short definition.
Turning toward
You notice the bid and respond with some attention, interest or warmth.
- Your partner says, "Listen to this headline." You look up: "What is it?"
- Your partner sighs after a phone call. You ask, "That sounded rough. Who was it?"
- Your partner leans against you on the couch. You put your arm around them.
Turning away
You miss or ignore the bid. There's no hostility, just no response.
- You keep scrolling while your partner talks.
- You say "uh-huh" without looking up.
- You answer a different question than the one they asked.
Turning against
You respond to the bid with irritation, sarcasm or criticism.
- "Can you not talk to me right now?"
- "Why do you always interrupt me?"
- An eye-roll when they share something they're excited about.
Side-by-side examples
| Bid | Turning toward | Turning away | Turning against |
|---|---|---|---|
| "I think I'm getting a cold." | "Oh no. Want some tea?" | "Mm." (keeps typing) | "You always think you're sick." |
| "Look, the neighbor painted their door." | "Bold choice! I kind of like it." | No reply | "Who cares?" |
| "I finally finished that report." | "Yes! How does it feel?" | "Cool." | "About time." |
| Sends a funny video | "Ha! Sent it to my sister." | Leaves it on read | "Stop sending me these at work." |
| Reaches for your hand on a walk | Holds it | Pulls away to check phone | "It's too hot for that." |
Why small moments add up
It's tempting to think none of this matters. A missed comment about a door? But relationships are built from these moments, because they happen constantly. A couple might exchange dozens of bids a day. Over weeks and years, the pattern of responses becomes the emotional climate of the relationship.
What the research found
The Gottman Institute reports that newlywed couples who were still married six years later had turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time while in the lab, while couples who later divorced had turned toward each other only 33% of the time [1]. The page doesn't give the study's sample size or methods, so treat the exact numbers carefully. And because this is an observed link, it doesn't prove that turning toward prevents divorce.
A peer-reviewed study of 49 newlywed couples looked at everyday dinnertime moments and a separate conflict discussion. Couples who showed more playfulness and enthusiasm in daily moments tended to show more humor and affection when they disagreed [2]. The authors noted the study was observational, so cause and effect can't be confirmed. But it supports a sensible idea: goodwill built in small moments seems to carry into harder ones.
Why turning away hurts
Each missed bid is small. But a steady pattern sends a message: "You're not that important right now." Over time, people often stop making bids at all. That's when couples start describing themselves as roommates or as "living separate lives." If that sounds familiar, see feeling disconnected from your partner.
Why turning against hurts more
Turning against doesn't just miss the bid. It punishes the person for making it. Occasional grumpiness is human. But constant sarcasm, mockery or eye-rolling edges into what the Gottman Institute calls contempt, which it describes as treating a partner with disrespect and moral superiority [3]. Our glossary has more on contempt.
These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Go to Help Now.
Practising turning toward
Turning toward is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with practice. These steps help.
1. Notice first
You can't respond to bids you don't see. For one evening, simply notice how often your partner reaches out. Don't change anything yet. Many people are surprised.
2. Make your response visible
Turning toward often fails because the response is invisible. You heard, but your partner didn't know you heard. Make it obvious:
- Look up and make eye contact.
- Put the phone face down.
- Say a full sentence, not just "mm."
3. Use the "one more question" rule
When your partner shares something, ask one follow-up question before changing the subject. "What did she say then?" or "How did that feel?" is often all it takes.
4. Match the energy
If your partner is excited, be excited with them. If they're down, slow down and soften. Responding with the same emotion shows you're really with them. This is especially important with good news; see responding to your partner's good news.
5. Look for bids inside complaints
"You never want to go out anymore" may be a criticism, and it may also be a bid: "I miss fun time with you." You can respond to the need even if you don't love the delivery: "You're right, it's been a while. Want to try that new place Friday?"
6. Build rituals that create built-in chances
Rituals make turning toward automatic. The Gottman Institute suggests ideas like a six-second kiss when reuniting and putting phones down for the first 10 minutes after you get home [4]. Our article on daily rituals of connection has more.
A two-week practice plan
- Days 1 to 2: Notice bids only.
- Days 3 to 5: Respond to every verbal bid with eye contact and at least one full sentence.
- Days 6 to 8: Add the "one more question" rule.
- Days 9 to 11: Try phone-free first 10 minutes when you reunite.
- Days 12 to 13: Make three clear bids of your own each day.
- Day 14: Talk together about what changed.
Common myths about turning toward
"Turning toward means always agreeing." No. You can turn toward a bid and still disagree with what's said. "Huh, I see it differently, but tell me why you think that" is turning toward.
"If I have to try, it isn't real." Effort isn't fake. Choosing to look up from your phone because you care about your partner is exactly the point.
"Only big conversations count." Most bids are tiny, and so are most good responses. A laugh at your partner's joke is turning toward.
"My partner should just know what I need." Even close partners miss signals. Making clear bids and saying what helps is part of the skill, not a failure of romance.
When you can't respond right now
Nobody can turn toward every bid. You'll be on a call, driving, focused on work or simply exhausted. That's normal. The key is to turn toward the person, even if you can't engage with the bid right now.
Use a rain check
A rain check says, "I want this, just not this second." Examples:
- "I really want to hear this. Can you give me five minutes to finish this?"
- "Hold that thought until we're in the car?"
- "I'm fried right now. Can we talk about it after dinner?"
Follow through
A rain check only works if you keep it. When you're free, go back: "Okay, I'm all yours. What happened with your sister?" If you forget, your partner learns that rain checks mean "never."
Tell your partner what helps you
If you often need time to switch gears, say so: "When I first get home, I need ten minutes to decompress. After that, I'm all ears." Clear agreements prevent hurt feelings.
When you're the one whose bids get missed
Try making your bids clearer. Instead of sighing, say, "I had a hard day. Can I tell you about it?" Clear bids are easier to answer. If your bids are consistently ignored even after you've talked about it, consider raising it in a weekly check-in or with a counselor.
When to get professional help
Turning toward more often can rebuild a lot of closeness. But consider talking to a couples therapist if you notice:
- Ongoing contempt or withdrawal, even when you try.
- An affair or serious breach of trust.
- Addiction affecting the relationship.
- Depression or anxiety affecting daily life for either of you.
- Any fear of your partner.
- Thoughts of self-harm. Call or text 988 any time, or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Our getting help guide explains your options, and how to find a good couples therapist covers what to look for. If you feel unsafe, go to Help Now.
This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.