A fair fight agreement is a short set of rules you and your partner write together while you are calm, so you already have a plan when the next argument starts. It covers how to raise issues, a signal to pause, how long breaks last, how to take turns, what is off-limits, and how to reconnect afterward. This worksheet takes about 45 minutes and ends with a printable agreement you both sign.

These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you are afraid of your partner, if arguments involve threats, intimidation, or being stopped from leaving, a fair fight agreement is not the right tool. Please visit Help Now instead.

Fighting is normal. What matters is how you fight. Gottman's research describes four patterns that predict trouble, which he called the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling [1]. A good agreement is mostly a plan for catching those patterns early. You can read more in our explainer on the Four Horsemen.

Time needed

About 45 minutes to write the agreement the first time, and 10 minutes every few months to review it.

What you need

  • The printable agreement below, or a shared note
  • A calm hour when neither of you is upset
  • Optional: our free conflict pause timer for breaks and speaking turns

Steps

  1. Choose a calm time. Write the agreement when neither of you is upset. Right after a fight is the worst time, because you will write rules aimed at each other.
  2. Agree on a pause signal. Pick a word, phrase, or gesture that either partner can use to stop the conversation. Agree that using it is never an accusation. It simply means "I need a break before this gets worse."
  3. Set your break rules. The Gottman Institute advises that a break should last at least 20 minutes, because it takes about that long for your body to calm down [2]. Agree that breaks will also have an end, ideally no more than 24 hours later [3]. During the break, do something soothing, such as a walk or music, rather than replaying the argument.
  4. Decide how you will take turns. One person speaks while the other listens, then summarizes what they heard before replying. This "speaker and listener" style comes from couples communication programs such as PREP, which has been studied in long-term follow-ups [4].
  5. List off-limits moves. Name the specific things you both agree not to do: name-calling, eye-rolling, swearing at each other, threats to leave, bringing up old fights, or arguing in front of the kids.
  6. Plan how you will reconnect. Decide what repair looks like for each of you. Some people want a hug, some want a short talk, and some want a cup of tea and quiet. See our repair phrases card for ideas.
  7. Sign and review. Both sign the agreement. Keep it somewhere you can find it, and review it every few months or after a fight that went badly.

Debrief questions

  • Which rule do you think will be hardest for you, not your partner, to keep?
  • What does it feel like in your body when you start to get overwhelmed in an argument?
  • What helps you calm down fastest during a break?
  • What does a good repair look like to you?
  • When should we look at this agreement again?

Printable worksheet

Fill this in together. Both partners sign at the end.

Our fair fight agreement

  1. Our pause signal is: Answer: ________________________________________
  2. When either of us uses it, the other agrees to: Answer: ________________________________________
  3. Our breaks last at least ____ minutes (we suggest 20) and we come back within ____ hours (we suggest no more than 24).
  4. During a break, I will calm down by: Partner A: ________________________________________ Partner B: ________________________________________
  5. How we will take turns speaking: Answer: ________________________________________

Things we agree not to do

Things we agree to do

How we reconnect after a hard talk

  1. What helps Partner A feel close again: Answer: ________________________________________
  2. What helps Partner B feel close again: Answer: ________________________________________

Signatures

Partner A: ____________________ Date: __________

Partner B: ____________________ Date: __________

Next review date: __________

For more on why breaks matter, read about emotional flooding and our full rules for fighting fair.

When to get professional help

An agreement can make fights calmer, but it is not therapy. If you keep having the same fight, if one of you regularly shuts down, or if contempt has become a habit, a licensed couples therapist can help. Our guide to getting help explains how to find one. If you feel afraid of your partner at any point, go to Help Now, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.