Emotional flooding is a state of feeling so physically and emotionally overwhelmed during conflict that you can no longer think clearly, listen or problem-solve. Your heart races, your breathing gets shallow and your body prepares to fight or flee. Researchers sometimes call it diffuse physiological arousal. When either partner is flooded, the conversation rarely improves until both bodies have had time to calm down.

These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Visit Help Now for confidential support.

Where the idea comes from

John Gottman's lab measured couples' heart rates and other body signals while they discussed disagreements. The Gottman Institute describes flooding as the body's alarm system: heart rate increases, breathing quickens, digestion slows and blood pressure rises, all to help you get to safety [1]. It also reports that people who are stonewalling are often flooded, with heart rates well over 100 beats per minute [2].

In one study described by the Gottman Institute, researchers interrupted couples mid-conflict and asked them to read magazines for half an hour. When the couples resumed, their heart rates were significantly lower and their conversation was more positive and productive [3].

What flooding looks like

Physical signs you might notice in yourself [2]:

  • Heart pounding or rising quickly
  • Holding your breath or breathing shallowly
  • Tight jaw, shoulders or chest
  • Not taking in what your partner is saying
  • Feeling confused or unable to find words

How it plays out between partners:

  • One person goes silent or leaves the room (stonewalling).
  • One person gets louder and more insistent.
  • Old grievances come pouring out.
  • Even kind words from your partner sound like attacks.

What to do about it

  1. Learn your early signs. Many people can feel flooding building before it peaks.
  2. Call a break out loud. "I'm getting flooded. I need twenty minutes, then I want to finish this."
  3. Take the right amount of time. The Gottman Institute suggests at least 20 minutes, but no more than 24 hours [1].
  4. Self-soothe, don't stew. Slow breathing, a walk or music helps more than replaying the fight [4].
  5. Return as promised. Coming back is what makes a break feel safe for the other partner.

When to get professional help

If you or your partner flood in most disagreements, or panic and anxiety affect daily life, a therapist can teach regulation skills. Our guide to getting help covers options. If you feel flooded because you're afraid of your partner, that is a safety issue. Visit Help Now.