Prompts for hard conversations are gentle openers and questions that help you raise a painful or touchy topic without blame. Start by asking if it's a good time, then name how you feel, the specific situation and what you need. Listen to your partner's side before looking for solutions. Below are 76 prompts and sentence starters for money, chores, intimacy, family, trust and long-running disagreements.

How to use these prompts

These prompts assume you both feel safe with each other. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool. Go to Help Now instead. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage people in abusive relationships to seek counseling with their partner, because abuse is not a relationship problem that better communication can fix [1].

  • Pick one topic. One issue per conversation. Don't bring in old grievances.
  • Take turns. One person speaks while the other listens, then switch. The speaking timer in our conflict pause timer can help.
  • Know the listener's job. Summarize what you heard ("So you're saying...") before you respond. You can understand without agreeing.
  • Use the skip rule. Either of you can say "not now" and offer a time to return.
  • Stop if you're flooded. If your heart is pounding or you can't think, take a break of at least 20 minutes. The Gottman Institute says breaks should last at least that long because your body needs time to calm down [2]. Read about emotional flooding.
  • Set a time box. Thirty minutes is enough. You can continue another day.

Start gently. The Gottman Institute reports that the way a conversation starts predicts how it ends with 96% accuracy, and that conversations that stay on track in the first three minutes are likely to end well [3]. A soft startup describes your feelings and a specific situation, then asks for what you need.

Opening the conversation

  • Is now a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind, or would later tonight work better?
  • I'd like to talk about something that's a little hard for me. Can we take 20 minutes for it?
  • I want to bring something up, and I'm not trying to blame you. I just want us to figure it out together.
  • I've been nervous to raise this, so I'm going to go slowly.
  • Can we agree that either of us can call a break if this gets heated?
  • I want to understand your side, and I'd like to share mine. Who wants to go first?
  • I'm bringing this up because I care about us, not to win.
  • Before we start, is there anything you need to feel comfortable talking about this?

Gentle sentence starters

Fill in the blanks with a specific situation and a positive request.

  • I feel ___ when ___. What I need is ___.
  • I've noticed ___, and I'm feeling ___ about it. Could we ___?
  • Something that would really help me is ___.
  • I'd love it if we could try ___ this week.
  • I'm worried about ___. Can we talk about what each of us is thinking?
  • It's hard for me to say this, but I've been feeling ___.
  • I miss ___. Could we find a way to bring it back?
  • I know you've been busy. I'm still feeling ___ about ___, and I'd like us to plan for it.

Understanding each other

  • What is the most important part of this issue for you?
  • What do you wish I understood about how this feels for you?
  • Is there a story or a past experience behind why this matters so much to you?
  • What are you most worried will happen if we don't sort this out?
  • What would a good-enough outcome look like for you?
  • What part of my view makes sense to you, even if you don't agree?
  • Is there something you need from me right now to keep talking?
  • What did you hear me say? I want to make sure I said it clearly.

Money

  • What did money feel like in your home growing up?
  • What spending decisions feel like they should be joint, and which should be individual?
  • I feel anxious when we don't talk about bills. Could we pick a regular time to look at them together?
  • What does financial security mean to you?
  • Where do you feel we're on the same page about money, and where do we differ?
  • What is one money habit of mine that worries you? I'll try to listen without defending.
  • How would you like us to handle a large unexpected expense?
  • What money goal would feel exciting to work toward together?

For more, see how to stop fighting about money.

Chores and the mental load

  • I feel overwhelmed keeping track of ___. Could we look at who plans, not just who does?
  • Which household tasks do you dislike most, and which do you not mind?
  • What does "fair" look like to you when it comes to housework?
  • What is something I do around the house that you appreciate but haven't mentioned?
  • What tasks do you think are invisible to me?
  • Could we try owning tasks fully, from noticing to finishing, instead of helping out?
  • How would you like us to handle it when one of us has a heavy week?
  • What is one change to our routine that would make evenings feel calmer?

Intimacy and affection

  • I miss feeling close to you physically. Can we talk about what's been getting in the way?
  • What helps you feel desired?
  • What kind of affection do you like that isn't about sex?
  • Is there anything about our physical relationship that you've wanted to say but haven't?
  • What gets in the way of you feeling in the mood: stress, time, tiredness, something else?
  • How can we talk about different levels of desire without either of us feeling rejected?
  • What would make it easier for you to say yes, no or not tonight?
  • What is one small way we could add more touch to ordinary days?

Family, friends and in-laws

  • I felt caught in the middle when ___. Could we decide together how to handle it next time?
  • What boundaries with family feel important to you?
  • How do you want us to split holidays and visits this year?
  • When your family ___, I feel ___. How do you see it?
  • What do you need from me when we're with my family?
  • Is there a friendship of mine that worries you? I'd like to hear why.
  • How can we present a united front on decisions that affect both of us?

Trust and hurt

  • Something you did hurt me, and I'd like to talk about it when we're both calm.
  • I'm still thinking about ___. I'm not trying to reopen it to punish you; I need to understand it.
  • What would help you trust me more right now?
  • What do you need to hear from me to feel that I'm taking this seriously?
  • How can I make this right, in a way that would actually matter to you?
  • What do you need from me while you're still hurting?
  • Is there anything I've apologized for that still doesn't feel resolved for you?

Serious breaches of trust, like an affair, usually need more than prompts. A trained couples therapist can help, as long as there is no abuse.

Long-running disagreements

The Gottman Institute says 69% of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems rooted in lasting differences, so the goal is often a kinder dialogue rather than a final solution [4]. Asking about the hopes underneath a position, sometimes called "dreams within conflict," can loosen gridlock [5]. Learn about perpetual problems.

  • What does your position on this mean to you, deep down?
  • Is there a dream or a value underneath how you feel about this?
  • Is there a story from your past connected to this issue?
  • What would you need to feel okay, even if we never fully agree?
  • What part of this can you be flexible on, and what feels non-negotiable?
  • Could we try a temporary compromise for a month, then check in?
  • How can we talk about this so that neither of us feels dismissed?
  • What would it look like to accept this difference with some humor?

Repair and closing

  • I'm sorry I raised my voice. Can we start that part again?
  • I can see my part in this. Here's what I'm owning: ___.
  • What is one thing we agree on after this talk?
  • Thank you for listening, even though this was hard.
  • Can we take a break and come back to this tomorrow at ___?
  • Is there anything you need from me before we move on tonight?

Want to practise? Use the soft startup builder, write a fair fight agreement together, or read 25 soft startup examples. The conversation prompt generator can also filter for harder topics.

When to get professional help

If you can't talk about certain topics without escalating, if contempt or stonewalling shows up often, or if an affair, addiction or depression is involved, a licensed couples therapist can help. Our guide to getting help explains how to find one. If you feel afraid, controlled or threatened, don't use couples prompts. Go to Help Now for confidential support.