Your relationship may be in trouble if contempt, constant criticism, defensiveness or shutting down have become your normal way of interacting, if you rarely turn toward each other in small daily moments, or if one of you has quietly stopped trying. A rough patch usually has a clear cause and still leaves room for warmth. If you feel afraid of your partner, that is not ordinary trouble. It is a safety issue.
These tips assume both partners feel safe. If you're afraid of your partner, these techniques aren't the right tool — go to Help Now.
This checklist is part of our guide to struggling relationships. It is not a diagnosis. It is a way to look honestly at what is happening and find a sensible next step for each sign you recognize.
Is this a normal rough patch or real trouble?
Every long relationship has hard seasons. The question is not "Do we have problems?" but "What kind of problems, and are we still able to reach each other?"
| Question | Rough patch | Real trouble |
|---|---|---|
| Can you name a cause? | Yes: new baby, job stress, illness, a move | Not really, or it has lasted years |
| Do you still have good moments? | Fewer, but yes | Rare, and they feel forced |
| How do fights end? | Heated, then some repair | Contempt, silence, or days of coldness |
| Do you still feel on the same team? | Mostly, when things calm down | Rarely; it feels like opponents |
| Does either of you want out? | Not seriously | One or both of you is checking out |
Transitions can make a good relationship feel shaky. In a study that followed 218 couples over eight years, relationship quality dropped suddenly after the first child was born, for both parents [1]. That kind of dip is common and does not mean you chose the wrong person. It does mean the relationship needs more care than usual.
10 warning signs worth taking seriously
Each sign below includes what it can look like and a first step. Recognizing two or three of these does not mean your relationship is over. It means it needs attention.
1. Contempt has crept in
Contempt is talking to or about your partner as if they are beneath you: eye-rolling, mocking, sneering, sarcasm about their character, name-calling. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce in its research [2].
What it sounds like: "Oh, sure, because you're such a genius with money."
First step: Notice your own contempt first. Each time you feel the urge to mock, ask what you actually need and say that instead. Then deliberately name one thing you respect about your partner each day. Read more about contempt in a relationship.
2. Complaints have turned into character attacks
A complaint is about a behavior: "I was worried when you didn't call." Criticism is about who someone is: "You're so selfish; you never think about anyone else." Criticism is one of the four patterns the Gottman Institute calls the Four Horsemen [2].
First step: Swap "you always" and "you never" for a soft startup: a feeling, a specific situation and a request.
3. Every concern is met with defensiveness
When one partner raises anything, the other immediately counters with excuses or blame: "Well, if you hadn't…" Over time, the person raising concerns stops bothering, and the person defending feels constantly attacked. In a study of 73 couples, those with more negative than positive interactions also showed more defensiveness, more stubbornness and withdrawal, and a greater risk of separating [3].
First step: Practice taking responsibility for one small part: "You're right that I forgot. I'm sorry."
4. One of you shuts down during conflict
Stonewalling is going silent, leaving, or tuning out in the middle of a conversation. It often happens when someone is overwhelmed, not because they do not care. The Gottman Institute links stonewalling to physiological flooding and recommends a break of at least 20 minutes for the body to calm down [4].
First step: Replace silent withdrawal with a named break: "I'm getting overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes, then I'll come back." Our article on stonewalling in relationships explains how.
5. You've stopped turning toward each other
This sign is quieter but important. You stop responding to small bids for connection: the comment about the news, the "look at this," the hand on your back. The Gottman Institute reports that in one study, newlyweds who stayed married six years turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time in the lab, versus 33% for those who later divorced [5].
First step: For one week, try to catch and respond to three bids a day. See feeling disconnected from your partner.
6. The bad moments outweigh the good
Every couple has negative moments, including during arguments. The Gottman Institute says stable, happy couples tend to have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict, and describes a ratio of one to one or lower as a warning sign [6]. That ratio comes from lab conflict conversations, so do not try to count every interaction at home. Ask the broader question: does warmth still outweigh hostility?
First step: Add small positives on purpose: a thank-you, a laugh, a touch, a question about their day.
7. You remember the past mostly in negative terms
How couples tell the story of their relationship matters. In University of Washington research using a one-hour "oral history" interview, the way partners described their shared past (warmly or with disappointment and negativity) predicted which newlywed couples stayed together with 87% accuracy over four to six years. The researchers noted their sample was self-selected and the findings were preliminary [7].
First step: Look through old photos together, or ask each other: "What's a memory of us that still makes you smile?"
8. You feel lonely even when you're together
You share a home, a calendar and maybe children, but not your inner lives. Conversations are logistics only. This is sometimes called roommate syndrome, and when one partner's emotional needs go unmet for a long time, it can feel like emotional neglect.
First step: Schedule 15 minutes a few times a week for non-logistical talk. A conversation prompt can help you get started.
9. You've stopped trying to repair after fights
Healthy couples fight. What sets them apart is repair: apologizing, softening, making a joke, reaching for a hand. When fights end and nobody reaches back, resentment builds. Read more about resentment in a relationship.
First step: Learn a few repair attempts, like "Can I try that again?" or "I can see my part in this," and practice accepting your partner's attempts too.
10. One of you has checked out
This sign is the most serious non-abuse warning sign. One partner stops raising concerns, stops fighting, and stops hoping. It can look calm from the outside. Inside, they may be planning a life without the other person.
First step: Ask directly and gently: "I've noticed you seem far away. Are you thinking about whether you want to stay?" Then listen. If one of you is leaning out and the other wants to try, read how to save your marriage when it feels too late.
Signs that point to abuse
The signs above describe relationships that are struggling but where both people are safe. The signs below are different. They point to abuse, and abuse is not a communication problem.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) describes intimate partner violence as abuse or aggression in a romantic relationship. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression, which means using words or actions to harm a partner mentally or emotionally or to control them [8].
Signs that point to abuse include:
- You feel afraid of your partner or of how they will react.
- Your partner hits, pushes, grabs, chokes or physically hurts you, or threatens to.
- You are pressured or forced into sexual activity.
- Your partner monitors your phone, location, messages or spending.
- You are cut off from friends, family or money.
- Your partner threatens to hurt you, themselves, your children or your pets if you leave.
- You are constantly humiliated, called names, or told no one else would want you.
- You change your behavior to avoid setting your partner off.
If these sound familiar, couples counseling is generally not recommended. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abuse is not a relationship problem and that what is said in joint therapy can be used against the person being abused [9]. Instead:
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.
- If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
- If you are thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988.
Our page on healthy, unhealthy and abusive behaviors can help you sort out what you are experiencing.
What to do next
If you recognized warning signs but you feel safe, here is a practical order of operations:
- Pick the one or two signs that feel most true. Not all ten. Focus beats overwhelm.
- Talk about it gently. Try: "I've been feeling far from you, and I miss us. Can we find time this week to talk about how we're doing?"
- Start with warmth, not problem-solving. A week of turning toward bids and specific thank-yous makes the hard talk easier.
- Take a snapshot. The free relationship check-in quiz or the Four Horsemen self-check can give you a shared starting point.
- Follow a plan. Our 12-step plan for fixing a struggling relationship walks through what to try first.
- Set a check-in date. In four to six weeks, ask each other honestly whether things feel better, the same or worse.
Tracking how you are doing over time can make patterns easier to see than relying on memory after a bad week.
If you are not sure you want to work on it at all, that is a real and common feeling. Our guide to should I stay or leave offers careful questions to think through.
When to get professional help
You do not have to wait for things to get worse. A major research review found that couple therapy helps about 70% of couples who receive it [10]. Get professional support if you notice:
- Ongoing contempt, or one of you withdrawing for weeks at a time.
- An affair or another serious breach of trust.
- Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or anything else.
- Depression or anxiety that is affecting daily life for either of you.
- Any fear of your partner. Contact a domestic violence advocate first, not a couples therapist.
- Thoughts of self-harm. Call or text 988.
Our getting help guide explains the options, and how to find a good couples therapist covers credentials and questions to ask. If you're unsafe, visit Help Now.
This article is for education and is not a substitute for professional help.