The short answer
- Pick a regular time. Choose a slot when you are both fed and free of screens, and keep it short. See how often couples should check in.
- Start with appreciation. Each of you names a few specific things you valued this week. The appreciation worksheet can help.
- Look back at the week. Share what went well and what was hard, using the questions below.
- Choose one thing to work on. Raise it gently, and stop at one. Soft startup examples show how.
- Say what you need. Ask for something concrete, then listen without fixing.
- Plan the week ahead. Settle logistics and put one good time on the calendar. A marriage meeting agenda covers this part well.
- End warmly and book the next one. Thank each other and confirm the time.
Want the full format in print? Download the free printable weekly check-in worksheet with PDF, or follow the step-by-step weekly check-in worksheet.
Weekly check-in questions
Choose one or two from each group. You do not need all of them. Take turns answering, and let your partner finish before you respond.
Appreciation
- What is one thing I did this week that you noticed and valued?
- When did you feel most cared for by me in the past few days?
- What is something small I do that makes your life easier?
- What did you see me handle this week that you admire?
- What is one thing you want to thank me for that you have not said out loud yet?
How this week went
- What was the best moment of your week, and was I part of it?
- What drained you most this week?
- Was there a moment you felt close to me? What was happening?
- Was there a moment you felt alone or overlooked, even a small one?
- What did you learn about yourself this week?
One thing to work on
- Is there something from this week you would like to talk through, and how can I help it feel safe to bring up?
- What is one pattern between us that you would like to change gently?
- Is anything unsaid sitting between us right now?
- What is one small change that would make next week smoother for us?
- Where did I miss the mark this week, and what would have helped?
Needs and support
- What do you need more of from me next week?
- How is your stress level, and what would help most right now?
- When you are overwhelmed, what is the most useful thing I can do?
- How are you doing physically and emotionally, beyond the schedule?
- Is there something you want from me that you have found hard to ask for?
Looking ahead
- What are you looking forward to in the coming week?
- What is one thing we could do together that would feel like a treat?
- Which day looks hardest, and how can we support each other through it?
- What is one small goal we can aim for together by next check-in?
Need more? Browse 50 relationship check-in questions or the 70 weekly check-in prompts.
How often and how long should we check in?
Weekly is a good default for a structured check-in, and 20 to 30 minutes is plenty. The weekly check-in guide uses a 20-minute format, and our printable worksheet is built for about 30. The Gottman Institute describes its State of the Union meeting as a weekly sit-down of roughly an hour [1], so use more time if you have it and stop before you are both tired.
No study has found a single ideal frequency, so pick a rhythm you can keep for months. Even rare structured checkups help. In a randomized trial, couples who had two relationship checkups a year apart reported more intimacy and felt more accepted than a waitlist group [2]. If weekly feels like too much, start every two weeks. Our guide on how often couples should check in covers daily, weekly and monthly rhythms.
What is a simple agenda for a weekly check-in?
A simple agenda has four parts: appreciation, logistics, one problem, and a warm close. Five minutes on appreciation, a few on the calendar, about ten on one issue, and a short close fits in half an hour. Our marriage meeting agenda sets out that format with timings and a template.
Opening with appreciation matters. In a University of Washington study of 124 newlywed couples, how a conflict conversation started was key in predicting which couples later divorced [3]. Starting with thanks builds a gentle start into the routine.
Keep logistics short, since a check-in is not only a chore meeting. Then pick one issue, describe how you feel and what you need, and agree on one small next step. For a worked example, see our first check-in script, and for a quick pre-check, try the relationship check-in quiz.
What if our check-in turns into a fight?
Pause, and come back later. Julie Gottman suggests a break of 20 to 30 minutes, never more than 24 hours, and saying when you will return [4]. Try: "I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we pause and pick this up at eight?" A pause is not failure. It is the habit working.
Use the break to calm down, not to rehearse your argument. The conflict cool-down worksheet and the conflict pause timer can help, and the repair conversation worksheet gives you a way back in. When you return, take turns, reflect back what you heard, and take responsibility for your part.
If fights keep starting in check-ins, shrink the meeting. Do appreciation and the calendar only for a few weeks. Learn more about emotional flooding and repair attempts.
What if my partner does not want to do check-ins?
Make the ask smaller, warmer and easier to say yes to. Many partners resist the format, the timing or past talks that felt like lists of complaints, rather than the idea of connection itself. Offer ten minutes, start with appreciation only, and ask what would make it feel better for them.
Watch for the push-and-pull pattern. In one study of 31 couples, both partners were more likely to demand when they wanted a change and more likely to withdraw when their partner wanted one [5]. Pushing harder tends to deepen the withdrawal. Appreciation can also help, since across several studies people who felt appreciated tended to appreciate their partner back [6].
Our full guide to what to do when your partner won't do check-ins has scripts and compromise options. You can also invite them to try the relationship check-in quiz privately first.
What are monthly and State of the Union check-ins?
They are deeper versions of the same idea. A monthly check-in zooms out to goals, money, intimacy and the bigger picture, while the weekly one handles the week. Our monthly relationship check-in template has questions for each topic.
The State of the Union meeting is the Gottman Institute's version: a longer weekly meeting where each partner is heard and understood before any problem-solving starts [1]. It suits couples who want more depth than a short check-in. Read the State of the Union meeting explained or the glossary entry on the State of the Union.
A marriage meeting is the same idea under a different name, and it works for unmarried couples too. If you want a lighter daily touchpoint between meetings, see daily rituals of connection.
Free worksheets and tools
- Weekly check-in worksheet, printable with PDF: print it for a weekly check-in you can fill in together.
- Weekly check-in worksheet, step by step: use it for a guided, on-screen walkthrough of the same format.
- Relationship check-in quiz: take it alone to see which areas feel steady and which need care.
- Appreciation worksheet: use it to prepare specific thanks before you sit down.
- Conflict cool-down worksheet: use it when a check-in gets heated and you need a pause plan.
- Repair conversation worksheet: use it to talk again after a rough check-in or fight.
- Weekly check-in prompts: 70 more questions, from easy openers to honest needs.
- Conflict pause timer: keeps a 20-minute break on track.
Go deeper
- Relationship check-ins: the complete guide: what check-ins are and how to run daily, weekly and monthly versions.
- How to do a weekly relationship check-in: a 20-minute format with a first-time script.
- 50 relationship check-in questions: weekly, monthly and hard-season questions by topic.
- Free relationship check-in template: a printable template with prompts for each part.
- How often should couples check in?: choosing a rhythm that lasts.
- Marriage meeting agenda: a simple 30-minute template.
- Monthly relationship check-in: deeper questions on goals, money and intimacy.
- The State of the Union meeting: how to run one step by step.
- What to do when your partner won't do check-ins: gentle ways to invite a reluctant partner.
- The stress-reducing conversation: a daily talk about stress from outside the relationship.
- Soft startup examples: ways to raise an issue gently.
- Turning toward vs. turning away: why small daily moments matter.
- Weekly check-ins in the Stronger Couple app: a guided check-in on your phone.
When to get professional help
If check-ins keep ending in the same painful fight, or one of you dreads them, a licensed couples therapist can help you see what is underneath. Our guide to getting help for your relationship explains your options, and you can learn how to find a good couples therapist. This page is not a substitute for therapy.
Check-ins and communication techniques are not the answer where there is abuse, coercive control or fear of your partner. If you feel unsafe, or you are not sure, visit Help Now or read is this abuse? Healthy, unhealthy and abusive.